After 10+ years of emotional yo-yoing and blackmail I have severed contact with mine. I sincerely hope that your family places more value on their relationship with you than mine have.
How did your family react to your decision over time?
by mavie 30 Replies latest jw friends
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Ingenuous
I left in '05. When I first started sharing my doubts and disagreements, my father made it clear that he was eager to find a reason to report me to the elders and that he and my mother would drop me like I never existed should I be declared "apostate". Shortly afterward, we had what I thought would be an honest, open conversation and turned into them pretty much emotionally disembowling me. (Strange that the memory has gotten more painful over time.) They seemed satisfied after that incident (it's not totally their fault - I let it happen), and they started leaving the religion issue alone.
After a couple momentous events in our family life, they currently appear to be in full-blown denial, but I don't trust them anymore. I've limited my contact with them to once every couple of weeks and I stay away from the topic of religion. I'm trying to get it down to once a month.
A part of me wishes they'd make up their minds if I'm worth anything to them or not and, if not, get out of my life for good. Even occassional contact is stressful and I'm starting to believe I deserve better.
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penny2
My parents were very distressed at first. They accept it now and we have a good relationship. I'm not shunned by anyone because I don't bring up anything controversial. That may change in the future.
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JWdaughter
My mom and I mostly don't discuss it,and that works out usually. She did do a period of shunning me years ago. She now claims she wasn't shunning me, she just didn't like me at the time. Hell, I have 'not liked' my kids at certain times, but I never shut them out and SAID it was because of religion. My uncle and his various wives semi shun me, except in the presence of other JWs, when they basically ignore me. Our family reunion a few years ago was funny. He set up an area just away from the main family gathering, filled with LOTS of ex JWs and his kids (from all 3 wives) hung around him and then went to visit other family members. He was like a little king, if you wanted to visit with him, you had to go to his area. . .ugh. Most everyone else is out/inactive. Most people don't give their kids a bad time, just the OTHER peoples kids- (the few in the way extended family that are still (ostensibly) in.
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zanex
well...its been ummmm 15 plus years now...and my Jw mom, pop and sis are still shunnin strong...but hey thats the breaks...
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sass_my_frass
We're in limbo at the moment, they don't talk to me but it feels like the clouds are gathering for some kind of final showdown. When I was dfd I told them I'd be reinstated and I'll talk to them then, but six months later I'd changed my mind about getting reinstated. I knew I was only doing it for them, and it was literally too difficult to keep going. It also seemed pointless to be doing this fake thing to get their fake love back. It was a big deal for me to know that I wouldn't see them again and I put off telling my folks that I wasn't getting reinstated and they eventually worked it out for themselves. That went very badly, I don't really know where we're at now but apparently it's okay for me to email them, they just don't reply. I'll keep doing that for a while, I've got a lot of smalltalk to give, and hopefully they'll cool off. It costs them though, they had the book study cancelled from their house, and that's just about their entire social life.
One of my sisters is apparently very angry about my 'lying' about getting reinstated, as she sees it. I'm thinking of writing to her with the whole story at the moment, I know it will get the storm brewing but it doesn't feel right to leave things like this. I want to make it their responsibility, to know that we're not in touch because it's their choice not to talk to me. My opinion is that it has to hurt them in order to get through to them, and they have to know it's their choice. Truth is though, I don't want their fake love anyway, I don't want people pretending to be family if they're only in it as long as I make them feel good about their faith. I don't want any more relationships in which I can't talk about the things that concern me, I'm sick of this walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around their precious fragile belief system that is so weak they can't tolerate a single question. They can't even tolerate an awkward silence, for crying out loud. They want everybody around them to be smiling happy servants, and anything less is apostacy.
I keep the olive branch out purely out of a sense of duty now, it's weird, I love them and want them to love me, but from now on I reject the way they treat me and am protecting myself and Mr Frass. If they ever express a need for help on the same journey I just took I'll be there for them, but right now being JWs is what they think they want, and I don't believe it's my role or responsibility or even my right to shake their world.
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Honesty
They are still reacting.
It's not pretty.
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BabaYaga
They all still express their unconditional love for me... and every day, I am cognizant of the risk they are taking and immeasurably grateful for that. I will never take that for granted.
I am blessed.
Baba.
edited to add: At the beginning, a few distant relatives (in-laws) shunned me. Believe it or not, for various reasons, over the years, each and EVERY single one has "come back to me". Did I mention I was blessed?
Don't give up hope... but don't place all your bets on it, either. Love has a way of healing things, and time takes care of a LOT. Have faith in yourself and your loved ones and in the occasional miracle.
Love and forbearance to all. -
FreedomFrog
Truth is though, I don't want their fake love anyway, I don't want people pretending to be family if they're only in it as long as I make them feel good about their faith. I don't want any more relationships in which I can't talk about the things that concern me, I'm sick of this walking on eggshells and tiptoeing around their precious fragile belief system that is so weak they can't tolerate a single question.
I love the way you put this. This is exactly how I feel.
My parents are currently shunning me. This all just started happening on Christmas Eve. There hasn't been enough time to see how the will be years later. I'm not sure what will happen because they are very strong Dubs. My sister has been out for almost 2 years and they still don't talk with her OR the grandkids. My Aunt, Uncle and all my sisters and my 4 cousins started shunning me the moment I started questioning. I am not DF'd or DA'd because I feel it's their rule and not mine to do the "dirty" deed. I still show my parents and family lots of love and make sure they see my kids whenever they want to see them but they haven't been making an effort to see the grandbabies. Another thing that has been a problem is my parents are depressed because they see not only did I leave the "only true" religion but I'm also taking their grandkids away from the trueff. Maybe someday they can see I still care for them and always have an open home. We'll see. Right now they see me as the "bad" one.
~Froggy~
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Forscher
Let's see,
My stepson and his wife already declared that I am not family and treat me as if I am disfellowshipped. My inlaws never approved of their daughter's remarraige, despite her first husband's cronic abuse of her and his being the one to seek divorce and freedom to remmarry. My only sibling in the organization treats me pretty much as the Scientologists are ordered by their organization to treat apostates (steal from, lie to, defraud, etc.). And all of that was started while I was still a member in good standing with the bOrg!
So nothing's really changed. Why should it?
Forscher