Does it ever seem to you like you're working against yourself?
Why is it so difficult to do what is in our best interest? Why don't we exercise more, eat
better, stay focused, worry less, remain positive, keep friends, save money, hold on to love, win a game or otherwise achieve more with our skills that we know are within us?
Why do I ask all this??
I was watching a junior tennis match today. I've been introduced to this brilliant young lady before game even started so had privilege to sit right behind her whenever she had a break. But as the match progressed she started losing game, after, game and slowly sets started stacking up against her. It was heartbreaking seeing how slowly her confidence diminished, you could tell on her face she was going down the hill. Strangely she played against opponent she had beaten comfortably only two weeks ago. So what was different this time? Weather? Audience? Court?
None of those. You could tell on her face what was different this time around. It was her state of mind.
I couldn't hold on any more silence so when she had next break I've asked her gently "so how are you feeling?" While holding towel on her head she almost sobbingly said "I can't beat her, I just can't, she is much better than me, I've got this anchor pulling me down all the time" I called her by name, she looked right into my eyes. I said "M..... what would happen if instead of saying that to yourself you said I can beat her, I've beaten curp out of her only two weeks ago, I can do it again" She looked at me almost in disbelief as if I was crazy. Then time was up. She returned to court and had service. She scored four straigt aces and got first set in awhile. Which was surprising. But then she stared doing acrobatics on court we used seeing only few days ago. As unbelievable as it sound, she turned the match around and actually won it! I was truly embarrassed that I ever told her anything, almost felt like running away; after all she is a star. But as match finished she came to me, leaned over and gave me a kiss in a cheek and said "thank you for being my angel on my shoulder when I needed one the most"
It was extraordianry experience for sure. But it was an experience that got me thinking.
Lately I'm starting to notice so many people around me who easily give up, not because they are not able to succeed but because they allow self-sabotage to set it.
Not long ago two of my very dear friends split not because they were not getting along or arguing all the time. They loved each other more than life itself, (and I bet they still do) they split because neither of them recognized moment in time of self-sabotaging behaviours that resulted in divorce, and three children now living without both parents by their side that should by all accounts still be together. Just sheer stupidity.
In a sentence self-sabotage is a behaviour where there is not a truly rational explanation why you can't do things that at other times seem so natural and easy. There is something inside of you which is stronger than your desire to succeed and it sabotages and destroys things that you want to do or have. Expert tell us that it is usually recognizable within ourselves as internal tug-of-war between having a desire to do something and feeling like you can't or shouldn't do it. It is that anchor, that shadow that is following us around and making us fail. We all sabotage ourselves from time to time. Unfortunately, sometimes we sabotage ourselves to the point of actually destroying ourselves by denying ourselves to live the successful, happy life we really want to live. Judging by many comments on this and other boards I'm coming to conclusion that leaving cult such as JW can make one really stranded on an isolated island of self-doubt adorned with nagging and reoccurring self-sabotaging frame of mind.
If there is anything you really want to have or do, but are unable to bring it into your life--and there is no logical, rational, or otherwise, "real" reason why you can't do or have it--you are experiencing self-sabotaging behavior! This is not my reasoning this is what experts tell us. They ask us these questions too.
- Is procrastination a regular part of your day? Do you have a difficult time getting motivated to do the things you really want to do?
- Did you tell yourself that this would be your year to succeed, but despite this promise to
yourself, are still not living the life you truly want to live? - Do your love relationships seem destined to fall apart? Do people often misunderstand your intentions? Do you feel as if people in your life are constantly criticizing you?
- Do you ever experience depression, anxiety or panic attacks, even when there is no logical reason for them?
- Do you ever feel resentment or anger over not having more control over the events in your life?
If you answered yes to even one of them then it is a fair chance you have that nagging self-sabotaging anchor attached to you.
Self-sabotage behavior damages your self-esteem and causes you to lose confidence in yourself.
It can create feelings of frustration, discouragement, resentment, anger and panic and can otherwise make you react in a ways that are out of character or not really part of your inner self. Most significantly self-sabotage prevents you from doing and having the things you really want for your life! Things you know you deserve and should have.
What would you like to have in your life that seem always out of reach? Happiness? Emotional peace? Loving, caring, committed relationship? Successful business? Career you really love and enjoy?
Emotional anchors that got tied to our inner self because of cult experience, difficult childhood, failed relationships, health scare, failed careers, failed anything, can create that ghostly shadow that somehow steams out of our head like Genie from the bottle every time we face any uncertainty or a new situation. This inner tyranny puts us on the defensive and leaves us feeling flawed, defective, and unworthy. Consequently, much of our energy is invested in trying to prove our value to others and to ourselves.
So how do you conquer something so ghostly??
Number one thing is becoming aware there is a problem, you might not even be aware how often you tell to yourself negative things that ultimately create whole atmosphere of accumulated negative energy so to speak.
But instead of me giving you advice, this is what experts say........
The following strategies can help you become more conscious of your internal dialogue and its content.
* Journal Writing: Whether you carry a journal around with you and jot down negative
comments when you think them, write a general summary of your thoughts at the end of the day, or just start writing about your feelings on a certain topic and later go back to analyze it for content, journaling can be an effective tool for examining your inner process.
* Thought-Stopping: As you notice yourself saying something negative in your mind, you can stop your thought mid-stream my saying to yourself “Stop”.
* Saying this aloud will be more powerful, and having to say it aloud will make you more aware of how many times you are stopping negative thoughts, and where.
* Rubber-Band Snap: Another therapeutic trick is to walk around with a rubber band around your wrist; as you notice negative self-talk, pull the band away from your skin and let it snap back. It’ll hurt a little, and serve as a slightly negative consequence that will both make you more aware of your thoughts, and help to stop them! (Or, if you don’t want to subject yourself to walking around with a rubber band on your wrist, you’ll be even more careful to limit the negative thoughts!)
* Replace Negative Statements: A good way to stop a bad habit is to replace it with something better. Once you’re aware of your internal dialogue, here are some ways to change it:
* Milder Wording: Have you ever been to a hospital and noticed how the nurses talk about ‘discomfort’ instead of ‘pain’? This is generally done because ‘pain’ is a much more powerful word, and discussing your ‘pain’ level can actually make your experience of it more intense than if you’re discussing your ‘discomfort’ level. You can try this strategy in your daily life. In your self-talk, turning more powerful negative words to more neutral ones can actually help neutralize your experience. Instead of using words like ‘hate’ and ‘angry’ (as in, “I hate traffic! It makes me so angry!”), you can use words like ‘don’t like’ and ‘annoyed’ (“I don’t like traffic; it makes me annoyed,” sounds much milder, doesn’t it?)
* Change Negative to Neutral or Positive: As you find yourself mentally complaining about something, rethink your assumptions. Are you assuming something is a negative event when it isn’t, necessarily? (For example, having your plans cancelled at the last minute can be seen as a negative, but what you do with your newly freed schedule can be what you make of it.) The next time you find yourself stressing about something or deciding you’re not up to a challenge, stop and rethink, and see if you can come up with a neutral or positive replacement.
* Change Self-Limiting Statements to Questions: Self-limiting statements like “I can’t
handle this!” or “This is impossible!” are particularly damaging because they increase your stress in a given situation and they stop you from searching for solutions. The next time you find yourself thinking something that limits the possibilities of a given situation, turn it into a question. Doesn’t “How can I handle this?” or “How is this possible?” sound more hopeful and open up your imagination to new possibilities?
Any thoughts, suggestions, personal experiences??