Paternity Question

by pratt1 20 Replies latest social relationships

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  pratt1

  One of my clients who also happens to be close friend went MIA for most of last week. I called him a few times with out a response from him, so I assumed he was sick and would get back to me when he felt better.

  I spoke with him this morning and he was very depressed, apparently his wife of 9 years admitted to him last week that their 6 year old son may not be his.

  Apparently she had an affair with a man about 7 years ago for 2 months. He was traveling to the west coast every other week for business at the time, but he never had a clue.

  He is upset and fuming mad. He is trying to decide if he wants to divorce, but whats worse he knows that he and his wife need to resolve the paternity question. He really loves his son and part of him doesn't want to know the answer.

  He asked for my advice and I said, at this point I would just focus on the marriage issue, is it worth saving, can you ever trust her again, do you really love her. When you are calm and have thought every thing through, you can deal with the paternity issue. It s ben 6 years already, whats another couple of weeks or a month?

  The real kicker here is that his wife is a Dub - a pioneer, and he is not. When he married her she was the baptized daughter of a pioneer and elder and the eloped after dating secretly for about 2 months. They are not kids, he's 42, she is 36 I think, but she lived with her parents at home until she married him.

  He suspects the father is a married elder in the hall.

  I have known him for 20 years, and I have always felt uneasy around his wife and her family.

  I feel pretty sad for him and the son.
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  misanthropic

  I would have some serious trust issues finding out after all that time went by even if it turns out to be his child.
  How ironic that she was the witness in the relationship and a pioneer at that and still had an affair and a child and years
  passed and he just now gets informed- yeah, I would have a really hard time trusting someone like that ever again. My heart goes out to him.
• 

  Nellie

  Wow! I agree with you about the first focus being on the marriage. Your friends needs to remember that the child is innocent in all of this and shouldn't be made to bear the brunt of pain due to the mother's indiscretion.

  My first question is this: Why did she bring into question the paternity issue?

  Is there a medical issue with the child that may need intervention from his father? If not, then why didn't she just confess the affair and leave the rest out?

  It's possible that this the beginning of her admission that she wants to bring an end to the marriage. Many, many, many people raise children that aren't theirs biologically. Is it really important to know? How does that benefit him in the long picture?

  Of course these questions can't be answered until they decide if the marriage is going to survive this. Trust is a hard thing to rebuild, not impossible, but hard!
• 

  lonelysheep

  I'm interested in a man's response on this. This is stuff that happens on Maury.

  I think you gave him good advice.
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  Nellie

  I didn't even notice that all the responses were from us gals! Funny how the men are being mum on this topic!
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  pratt1

  I am not sure what brought up the subject of paternity, but I know that the husband's parents made a few sharp comments about how the wife doesn't partake of any of the Holiday celebrations.

  I attended one of the parties and his Dad said to me that he has had about enough of his daughter in laws religion and he was disappointed that this year she would not allow their son to attend Christmas eve at his grandparents home.

  Knowing my friend he probably started an argument about this with his wife and she probably just blurted it out.

  Both are hot heads and stubborn.
• 

  YoursChelbie

  but whats worse he knows that he and his wife need to resolve the paternity question.

  The wife's disclosure at this time may very well get her DF for hiding the facts for so long. Only the wife knows why she kept it secret so long.

  The marriage will likely end in divorce, but it may be saved with an enourmous amount of effort on the part of both of them and some intensive counseling. As far as the paternity issue, most states have limitations to disprove paternity with DNA evidence. It is likely that he will remain the legal father.

  A divorce will not change his obligation to pay child support even if the 6 year old is not biologically his. (Except if they live in Georgia were a law allows a presumed father who can prove he is not the biological father with DNA evidence to give up legal rights and obligations if he choses to do so http://www.legis.state.ga.us/legis/2001_02/fulltext/hb369.htm)

  It's always good to provide an honest answer to the child, if he ever starts asking--which may happen as he gets older.

  His pediatrician should know about the real biological father in case there are any heriditary medical issues that need to be addressed.

  YC
• 

  Nathan Natas

  Let's assume for the sake of argument that the boy is not his.

  The boy had nothing to do with his mother's infidelity, and this boy has also been de facto rejected by his actual father. Could his circumstances be any worse? No.

  Since the day of his birth this boy has called our friend "father" and our friend has called him "son."

  It would be justice, I think, if our friend divorced his unfaithful wife and sued for full custody of the child he loves.

  I might also consider a game of baseball one-on-one with Brother Pants.
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  JWdaughter

  I think that this is so sad for that little boy. And your friend of course. I don't think the paternity test will serve any useful purpose-not even medical at this point unless and until there is an issue. He is the little boy's father in every way that matters to the child. The infidelity happened a long time ago. He might use the opportunity to bring up his issues with this religion that so far as he is concerned is entirely hypocritical. Perhaps go into some counseling with the wife to see how she could live with such a lie for so long. It might be a way to help her out of the borg and help keep his son from being trapped in it. The marriage may be able to survive this, but don't break up the child's life for things that can't be changed or undone.

  If she really ended it years ago, she was an idiot and cruel to both the males in her life to bring it up now. She must have wanted to hurt him terribly-which brings up more urgent and important issues than cheating 7 years ago. Perhaps some mental health issues-which surprises no one on this forum!
• 

  Scully

  I'm curious as to why the wife chose to keep this secret from her husband for 7 years, and all of a sudden just blurts out that this child might not be his.

  Is she making this up? Was there some kind of argument involved and she said it to lash out at him and hurt him where she knew it would hurt him the most? If the affair actually happened, is she trying to get the "sperm donor" in trouble with the congregation? Is the affair continuing now?

  There are all kinds of possibilities.

  Going through with a paternity test will determine whether the child is biologically his or not. I can see how "not knowing" would eat away at someone if the test was not done.

  If the DNA test shows that someone else is the biological father, then at the very least, he has evidence of her unfaithfulness. That will be enough to procure a Scriptural Divorce™, and basically will free her and her JW lover to remarry each other. Is that what your friend wants to give her, the opportunity to be rid of him - the non-JW - so she can marry someone else who shares the same belief system? Both people would likely have to be DFd by the congregation. Another marriage, besides your friend's, will be destroyed.

  Her JW belief system requires that she self-report her "sin" of adultery to the congregation Elders™. Even if the affair was a one-night stand, or took place over months or years, she will automatically no longer be allowed to Pioneer™ for at least a year if the decision is to put her on Private Reproof™ or Public Reproof™. If they decide to DF her, she will have no social support from her JW friends until she is Reinstated™.

  Perhaps your friend should insist that she go and confess to the Elders™ and suffer the consequences of her actions. They will want to know who the other party was to the affair, and if it is the person the husband suspects him to be, there will be a Judicial Committee™ for him as well. This is where a paternity determination would be most helpful, particularly if the other guy is an Elder™ and lies about having the affair with her in order to save his own butt, and tries to make her out to be a slanderer against him. "Well how did your DNA end up in her kid, then??"

  If your friend finds out that the child is his and that there was no affair, he still needs to figure out whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with a woman who would say such hurtful things to him and use their child as a weapon against him like that.