Daughter wants JW grandpa (shunning us) to help her get a car . . .

by Madame Quixote 12 Replies latest social family

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  Madame Quixote

  Some time back, my daughter, (a senior in high school), and I were car window-shopping for her. She suggested that she ought to ask grandpa - (a JW who is shunning us) - to help her buy a car. I had actually suggested it a long, long time ago when I was still sometimes in contact with the JW family, but my feelings in the matter (of contact with JW family) changed last year, and I've decided it is better for my mental and emotional well-being to discontinue my efforts at "keeping the lines of communication open" with the JW family because of their shunning policies and evangelism.

  After an angry lecture to my daughter about how unhealthy our involvement has been with our JW family, about how little they've done with us over the years, and how little involvement they've had in our lives, and how judgmental (esp. of my daughter's teen-age goth style), and how everything has strings attached with regard to my JW parents, . . .I told her to go ahead and ask, but that I want absolutely no involvement in any business transactions with them (nor any further contact). She said she'd think about it . . .Understand that I had explained at some point that I had finally decided on no contact with the JW family for mental health reasons and thought she had a clear understanding of how hurt I have been by them over the years and that I've had enough. . .

  Daughter brought it up again (for about the 3rd or 4th time since our first discussion about it). She has apparently failed to contact my parents, so I'm guessing that she wants me to arrange it or something. I really want to get her a car, but it's impossible right now, so the only way to do it is to borrow money from someone. I've thought about setting something up with one of my clients, but feel uncomfortable with it. I have a car that I can fix up and let her use/have, but she does not seem interested in it. Daughter is a full-time high school student and has a part time job, but I doubt it's enough for insurance or a down-payment (even for a used car).

  Anyway, just wondering if anyone has suggestions. BTW, I was disfellowshipped at 15 and my daughter has never been a JW; she has been brought up atheist/unitarian and we never go to church anymore. We have not heard from my parents in about a year or more and they live less than 30 miles away, (and I have finally reached a point in my life where I don't care if I ever hear from them again - at least not in their current incarnation as Jehovah's Witnesses), so maybe you can understand my dilemma/frustration . . . maybe not
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  tetrapod.sapien

  hi madame!

  it appears to me that you have already handled your life, and this situation, very well. good work!

  about your daughter. i would say that she simply must understand where you are coming from, and that your own health and stress level is not worth any money from people whom you want nothing to do with.

  it will be hard for your daughter to understand, but then again she is just a teenager. she probably will one day.

  i know it sounds harsh, but i think you have already done a good job of settling this issue. i would say not to let her pressure you this way. i am not sure if you guys live in the country or not, which of course makes not having a car a real drag. but i would also guess that there are lots of kids that cannot get a car in high school, and have to wait until after high school when they can work full time. i know i did.

  i wish you the best. keep up the good work! :)

  tetra
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  MsMcDucket

  Your daughter can go to the bank that she has an account with and ask them for the loan. If they ask for a co-signer, you can see if they will let you do it. I don't have the greatest credit in the world, but we were still able to co-sign for our daughters' car. Try that first. Then take the next step, which is to see how badly the car dealer wants to sale a car. They have ways of pushing it through.
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  MeneMene

  You said, "I have a car that I can fix up and let her use/have, but she does not seem interested in it."
  
  Don't you feel guilty for not buying her a newer or better car. Don't let her push you into contacting your parents if you don't want to. If she wants wheels, she should be happy with the one you have. She can use it while she saves up enough money to pay cash for a better one.
  
  I was a single mom and $$ was tight. Their first cars were old & cheap. My daughter now drives a Lexus that she bought new and paid for herself.
  
  They appreciate things much more when they have to work for them.
  
  
  Edited to add: Please be careful if you choose to co-sign a loan. Only co-sign if you are willing and able to pay for the loan yourself. You would need to make sure every payment was made on time or it can ruin your credit score. As a co-signer, the creditor is not required to and will not usually contact you if payments are not made on time. You could end up with late payments and even a repossession on your credit report. I personally would never co-sign a loan even with my kids.
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  Scully

  I'd like to buy a car for my adult, full-time student child. It's not in my budget, nor Mr Scully's to do so. The insurance alone would be astronomical.

  So the junior Mr Scully borrows my car from time to time. He actually uses it as much (if not more than) I do. He's saving his money, paying his way through school, and hopefully will not have to avail himself of student loans like I did (which I am still paying for every month).

  I made a deal with him that if he pays for his gas and a portion (25%) of the car payment each month, I would set it aside over the term of the financing. At the end of the loan period, the car will be his and he can use it as a trade in if he wants, or drive it until he's ready to buy another car. The money that I set aside from him will be a downpayment for my next vehicle. By that time, he'll be at an age where his insurance rates won't be so high too.

  In the meantime, when I'm using my car, he uses public transit and he's content to do so.

  I would NOT allow him to enter any kind of arrangement with JW grandparents. There is too much potential for them to abuse that arrangement and keep him "beholden" to them and put guilt trips on him to go back to the KH etc. NO frikkin' way!!
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  kitten whiskers

  My personal opinion: She has an opportunity to have wheels. You have graciously provided that yourself. I didn't have a car in high school. I wished I did, but I couldn't afford one and wasn't working at the time. When I graduated my grandma gave me her old super compact car. I was able to keep it in gas and insurance and very happy to have it. The heater didn't work, and in Michigan winters that is a problem! I used to drive with a blanket on my lap. There was only AM stereo and I took a battery powered cassette player with me and buckled it into the seat next to me. I was so happy to have the freedom that the other problems could be dealt with. Now, I wouldn't want my daughter to go through the same thing at all. I hope I can get her a dependable and reliable vehicle when the time comes (late high school/college), but if she really wants something, she will be grateful for anything that is an improvement over shoes or a bicycle!

  Keep to your guns!

  Kitten Whiskers
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  MsMcDucket

  There was this old joke about a young man asking his dad to buy him a car. The dad said when I was your age I use to have to walk 5 miles to school. The son looks at his dad and says "Is that why you didn't graduate?".

  My mother was like the old lady in the shoe that had so many children she didn't know what to do. She kept us fed... Anyway, she couldn't co-sign for cars and stuff. I use to resent that. I was a raggitty mufffin. I quit school at an early age and had a child at an early age. I had to go back and get my GED on my own, teach myself to drive (I paid for the driver's lessons), made myself go to college. . .so on and so forth. I said to myself that my children would not have to do this. I've kept that promise. I don't know if it will make them any less independent or not. It was just something that I felt that I should do.

  Everyone has different parenting styles. You have to do what you think is fair. Skully did bring out some good points. Sometimes, we have to let our children make their own way.
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  Madame Quixote

  Thanks for all the feedback. Daughter brought it up again last night and said she's pretty sure she's going to ask grandpa to help her get a car. I am beginning to wonder if she's trying to guilt me into doing it myself for her. . . The other day when she had her period and did not want to go to work, she wanted me to call her boss (while I was at work) for her. I was a bit annoyed, as she is 19 (going on 12?) I told her she needed to be a grown up and call in sick for herself . . . she did call in and ended up calling me back for a ride to work after her boss told her things were very busy, thank goodness . . .)

  Regarding her statement about asking grandpa to help her get a car, I just said to do what she'd like, and then discussed the importance of being responsible about showing up for work regularly because she's going to need some money,etc. to demonstrate solvency and responsibility to whoever loans her the $$ for a car (grandpa or a bank).

  She's very stubborn about not using the public transit system; we do live in a city with mediocre public transit. Personally, I hate that transit system, but I'd use it if I did not have access to a car that my landlord lets me drive. (I am on his insurance for it). I have used our local transit system and don't love it, but it's there and I have had to use it (for years, in fact, when daughter was pretty young. Perhaps that's why she hates it so much . . .)

  Mrs. McDucket, this was hilarious:

  "There was this old joke about a young man asking his dad to buy him a car. The dad said when I was your age I use to have to walk 5 miles to school. The son looks at his dad and says "Is that why you didn't graduate?"

  It's also not far from the truth. Most kids (and adults) nowadays assume they'll drive and have a car (and a house and a boat and an ipod and guitar hero and playstations and whatever). I suspect a lot of kids nowadays don't realize how hard they're going to have to work for that stuff . . . I know I didn't have a clue about money and life until I was about 30!)

  Laziness doesn't usually get us those things, and if we don't teach our kids the importance of education and work, and if we just give them everything, they won't ever learn or understand how to get anything on their own; however,I don't want things to always be a struggle for either of us, but they often are and we do have to work.

  I'd rather not borrow money from anyone, especially my parents, but if daughter chooses to do it, it's her choice. I don't have to be involved or responsible for it at all. I will try to help her, of course, as much as I can, but I'm not going to be emotionally blackmailed into it.

  Meanwhile, I am working on a plan to restore my own vehicle to drivability. It needs a new muffler system, battery, water pump; I'm guessing about $800-$1000 of work? It might need a new transmission, but if I can keep the old one with the shaking, well, maybe I will - for a while!
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  MsMcDucket

  She's very stubborn about not using the public transit system; we do live in a city with mediocre public transit. Personally, I hate that transit system, but I'd use it if I did not have access to a car that my landlord lets me drive. (I am on his insurance for it). I have used our local transit system and don't love it, but it's there and I have had to use it (for years, in fact, when daughter was pretty young. Perhaps that's why she hates it so much . . .)

  That's the problem with our city. We have a metropolitan bus system, but it doesn't run to certain parts of the city and it's stops at 6:30 pm. I think the bus system starts running again at around 6 a.m. It just not as good as it could be. I use to tell my girls, in Kansas "You gotta have a horse (meaning car)". We don't have subways, street cars, gondolas, or things of that nature (except for the bus system that I mentioned). Around here, you're liable to be called a "scrub" if you don't have a car by a certain age.

  I remember when I went up North to visit my neice and finding out that many women didn't know how to drive and wasn't worried about learning how to. They used the public transit for GROCERY SHOPPING AND GOING TO THE LAUNDROMAT!! I thought that it was the oddest thing. They even had these little carts that they used to walk to the grocery store. Here, everything is so spread out. You're liable to be stranded if you don't have a car of your own.

  As they say, different strokes for different folks.
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  orbison11

  oh goodness, i must be a hard bitter old woman lol

  you have a car she can use but it is not good enough????is that right?

  ok, here ismy sob story,,when i moved to this little town with a suitcase(lost my children, my $250,000 home and the lifestyle that went with it after 25 years of hard work

  well i didnt even have money for a bus, i walked,,,looking for work in freezing rain, got pneumonia(sp), ended up in hospital, no friends, no family, no parents,no credit ,nada

  now, i own a store front business, own outright my car,,,,have another i am trying to sell, even have credit, big time, again

  now i am not saying all this to be a martyr, but i just dont get kids,,,btw, i am 52....it took all of 7 years

  wendy