The Church Of Toast

by Madame Quixote 14 Replies latest social entertainment

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  Madame Quixote

  Okay, someone just gave me a fun idea. Who wants to role play?

  I want to be God for the Church Of Toast, but we can vote on it; however, all true believers know that they have free will to believe in me, or else "they're toast."

  I need about 6 million followers, secondary leaders and henchmen; we also need women, who are definitely secondary as breeders and housekeepers and proclaimers of the almighty will of The Almighty Toaster.

  There might be Toaster-inspired conventions to inspire door-to-door publicizing, and lots of book-writing and hand-wringing and whatever else amazing concepts we can dream up for our one true religion.

  Let's have fun! I'll start the story:

  The Almighty Toaster orbited the planet earth, (quite closely to its sibling, the Theoretical Teapot), and Toaster saw that Teapot had worshippers and followers; Toaster was a jealous Toaster, so . . .
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  J-ex-W

  Toaster in his jealous rage got heated up red hot.... Heat of the Toaster's jealous anger set off a tempest in the Theoretical Teapot....
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  Little Drummer Boy

  Knowing that its followers would need direction and many rules, the Almighty Toaster proclamed:

  "Only to you, the very special of my Toast Eaters have I this to say. You, The Most Holy ones who are assigned to clean out my crumb trap for all eternity and to be in my greatness may have the privelege of using real butter on the toast that I will give to you at the proper time.

  You, The Buttery Ones, will dispense toast made of stale or moldy bread as you see fit to those of my Other Eaters; for I sorta' love them also. But, my Other Eaters have not your special place. They may not use butter, for it is for you alone and I find its fat content most restful and sweet. They may however moisten their stale, moldy toast with margarine."
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  Madame Quixote

  To those who mourn and sigh,"Oh great Lord of Toast and Host of Hosts! When is the end of our toasting to come? For we are scorched and sore burnt," I say unto thee, that this toasty generation shall by no means pass from me until the good news of my sumptuous jam and jelly smorgasbord has been spread throughout the universe, and all who seek my great name shall be drawn up into the golden breadbox of the heavens, where 144,000 whole wheats shall be given the butter of contentment. The remainder shall be rewarded for their steadfastness with an earthly paradise, to dwell amongst the crumb-eaters of their choice. These, my faithful slaves shall dwell in peace within this earthly host forever and ever. So saith the Great Toaster."

  "So, brothers and sisters, it is clear that the Great Toaster has provided a very loving arrangement for us all. We can plainly see that we must be on guard against the influence of the false prophets who proclaim that the Theoretical Teapot is the only good news in the universe, as also, the wondrous Flying Spaghetti Monster has made known to us." - The Toast Master Publishing Company
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  exwitless

  2007 Church of Toast District Convention rules:

  You may only save toaster slots for those in your immediate bread loaf or for those riding with you in your bread basket.

  Please bring your own butter (Buttery Ones only) or margarine (Other Eaters) for lunch.

  If you are to be baptized in egg whites and fried in butter, please be seated in the front of the auditorium at the start of the program.

  There is reserved seating on the main floor for Low Carb toast and others who are crumbly and/or moldy.

  Those who qualify to apply to the School of Toastery should plan to meet with the Toastmasters during the Butter/Margarine break on Friday.
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  exwitless

  2007 The Church of Toast District Convention Program:

  Friday a.m.

  9:00 a.m. Song 85 The Toast God is Our Refuge; prayer

  9:10 a.m. "The Toast God's Loyal ToastSlices: Maintaining Endurance Under High Temperatures

  9:45 a.m. Experiences from the Texas Toast Congregation

  10:10 a.m. Song 204 "Here I Am, Toast Me, Toast Me!"

  10:25 a.m. Three part Symposium: Lovers of Toast, Remain Steadfast; Part 1: Who Really Are the PopTarts? Part 2: Should You Really Believe 'It's Not Butter'? Part 3: Jams and Jellies - Avoiding "Self-Abuse"

  11:00 a.m. Song 202 To Toast We Are Dedicated

  11:15 a.m. Butter/Margarine Break
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  some-xjw-guy

  What, no mention of Powdered Toast Man?
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  Little Drummer Boy

  But one of the Most Holy of the Almighty Toaster's creations saw the worship being given to the Almighty Toaster, and desired this worship for himself. And with great trickery, Toastanus drew away a multitude of the Most Holy Pieces of Toast and said unto them: "Is it so that the Almighty Toaster has proclaimed that you will use only butter?" And they responded: "Yea, this is true." Toastanus, who is also called The Burned One, said unto them: "The Almighty Toaster knows that in the day that you spread yourselves not only with butter, but with the Jelly of the Apple, that in that day you will become like him - able to brown toast to the perfect doneness so as to be crunchy yet not hard. In fact, he hides from you that you may yet discover the way to surpase him. He is afraid that one of you will surplant him and become the Almighty Toaster Oven. Able then to make toast, but other, larger meals as well." The Burned One spoke these words with slyness and with the slickness of butter so that the Holy Ones began to wonder.

  And so one by one they were deceived and began to spread themselves with the Jelly of the Apple. And the universe was opened before them. They began to see the wiring diagrams of the Almighty Toaster. They perceived His Heating Coils and Springs. This treachery was discovered by the Most Holy Buttered Ones and in his great rage, The Almight Toaster cast those that had abused the speading of themselves down to the Earth. Into the sea they were driven so that they might become soggy, never to be toasted again. Alienated from the Butter of Spreading which brings joy they crumble in despair.
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  SirNose586

  To those who mourn and sigh,"Oh great Lord of Toast and Host of Hosts! When is the end of our toasting to come? For we are scorched and sore burnt," I say unto thee, that this toasty generation shall by no means pass from me until the good news of my sumptuous jam and jelly smorgasbord has been spread throughout the universe, and all who seek my great name shall be drawn up into the golden breadbox of the heavens, where 144,000 whole wheats shall be given the butter of contentment.

  Gold!! I'm loving it.

  So how do I know if I'm part of the Buttery Ones?
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  tetrapod.sapien

  (k, i get to be the "Court Jester" in the court of madame toast)

  and toasterpod, the jester, came up with a witty touche for the servants of the court:

  lifting a glass of wine, the jester said, "i would like to make a toast!"

  an uneasy hush fell upon the heavenly court of the toast.

  the jester continued: "to madame de toast! the greatest toast of all toast!"

  the heavenly court looked on with expectation, expecting another madame toast to appear. when a duplicate did not, they all took a drink and smiled. their god had been triumphant. only she could make toast!!

  and so, this is why toasting at events with our fellow toasty bro's and sis's would be inapropriate for followers of true toast.

  :)

  toasterpod