How do I respond and not lose my cool?

by Rayvin 14 Replies latest social family

• 

  Madame Quixote

  Okay, since when do most 8-year-olds need to know how to insert a tampon? Isn't that something for 11-to-12-year-olds? Personally, I'd wonder whether or not the father had some kind of bizarre interests in providing a book like that to a child so young.

  When you address the discussion about the book, he deflects, attacks and denies that it's important or significant.

  Then, counter-attack: 'the rest of the email's not worth responding to' from you. But it IS worth responding to, or you wouldn't have shared it here, right?

  If you're going to communicate with each other in that fashion, I don't know what to say. Some things you BOTH might need to be a little less argumentative about.

  Personally, I think the haircut issue and the reading level issue are far less a concern than the first point I brought out, which everyone else politely ignored. Knowing about one's period is one thing; being instructed how to insert things into one's vagina at age 8 is quite another.
• 

  Scully

  I like how you referred to the "team effort" involved in co-parenting your daughter.

  It's important that everyone involved with your child's care be on the same page. Lots of communication and collaboration is needed. Otherwise, you run the risk of having incidents like the one you described in the original post, and having your child playing both ends against the middle.

  If you don't mind my asking (if you do, then don't feel compelled to answer), what is your custody arrangement with him? Are you sharing custody? Do you have primary custody with him having visitation on alternate weekends?

  I get the feeling from what you describe that he is leaving you out of the loop in an attempt to undermine your parenting. The fact that his wife has taken it upon herself to teach your daughter the facts of life without first communicating her intentions to you is also somewhat disturbing. Do you ever get the feeling that they are attempting to alienate you from your daughter? They make decisions about getting your daughter's hair cut - again without communicating their intentions to you, claiming that there is a certain "look" that your 8-year-old is trying to achieve. I don't know too many 8-year-olds who care that much about their "look". I can see it when they are teens, but not at 8.

  Have there ever been any subtle or not-so-subtle remarks about challenging the current custody arrangement so that they spend more and more time with your daughter? There is a certain undertone in his remarks that suggests that he thinks he's doing a much better job as a parent, and that he and his wife are grooming your daughter to distrust you and withhold information from you, and that they are ready to take your place at any given moment. I don't say this to cause alarm, but it wouldn't hurt to start documenting these situations in case you have to defend yourself in court in the event that they sue for permanent custody.

  In the meantime, I think you need to keep things very matter-of-fact in your communication. Stress that you all have the same goal: positively parenting your daughter. That requires wide open communication between you, her dad and her step-mom. You need to keep in mind that it is in your daughter's best interests to not get caught in a power struggle with her father and step-mom, and your daughter needs to learn that there is solidarity between you and her dad, that your rules are consistent, and that communication flows in both directions. That way she won't be able to play one parent against the other.

  Good luck!
• 

  JWdaughter

  I don't think what happened with the book was so awful, or even awful. The lack of communication for her sake needs to be improved. That age can get kind of gamey(discussed on other threads) and it may have reached a bit of a crisis point that weekend that it came up.(It has happened in my house-the "I don't care if you only took a bath every other day. . .you now NEED to take one every day darn it-where's the air freshner??? conversation)

  Both of you are her parents. And I think it is great that he is participating in the parenting process. The two of you together both love your daughter, but there is a lot of uglies going between the two of you, apparently-undermining and sowing distrust isn't going to help V. Jabbing even when he deserves it won't help. She is going into an age that is going to be hard on BOTH of you. Hard like HELL. Now, more than ever, you need to get it together as her parents and truly put her interests first. Maybe even counseling for the 3 of you(adults) so that boundaries can be set, as well as goals, rules etc.. I don't understand the haircut thing, but it looks like a battle that does not need to be fought. She needs to know that you are not on opposite sides with each other(as parents) you are both on HER side. That is the only thing that matters to her. That and having an Ipod. Another issue, different day:) One of the first rules of parenting (after NEVER wake a sleeping baby-which is the first) is "Choose Your Battles". Need to do that with the other parent too.
• 

  Rayvin

  Thank you for your suggestions and comments. The situation is alot more complicated then I have stated in the post. Scully has came the closest to understanding the severity of the situation. It has seemed from the get-go that there is an underlying motivation for what the bio-dad says and does. Most e-mails that have the tone that i posted no matter the topic have the underlying tone of -we are better parents then you. I have and will continue to document every convo- phone or e-mail for any unfortunate court appearance. We found him when V was just turning 6 yrs old and she is now 8. He offered to sign his rights away then and there. Hind sight is a pain in the arse. I try to communicate but if one person is working at being the nice parent and the other isn't there isn't much I can do...but defend and stand my ground. He has even griped at me for talking to my daughters teacher without him being present!!!! He is trying to take control of everything and I can't allow him to. I may have made a slight jab in the message but I feel it was neccassary and not even close to how rude and condecending he was being. In the movies when someone is being verbally attacked and then defends themselves everyone hoots and hollers.
• 

  Rayvin

  oh.. I forgot scully. I have custody and he has visitation every other weekend.