As an elder, I used to frequently confide in my wife about confidential matters that I was better served not mentioning. However, I just couldn't help it. I would come home - be stressed out because I felt inadequate about my ability to deal with people confessing things to me, telling me about their marital problems, their child rearing problems, and their emotional issues and I would just unload a lot of stuff on her that I was supposed to keep confidential. Of course, she was all ears and practically pried it out of me. But anyway... that's neither here nor there... - it was a HUGE factor in my stepping down as an elder. My wife talked to a former friend about an issue out of state, that person talked to another, and eventually after the story changed hands a few times it got back to publishers in my hall and I was left there as the smoking gun. Although I apologized, I still stepped down because the offended party smelled blood and I wanted out anyway. I had tons of different brothers tell me that I didn't have to step down and go through with it - that it was not serious and I should stay on, but I felt like they all could go pound sand and I stepped down anyway. In short, I have never felt better about any decision I have ever made and the freedom is absolutely wonderful.
Ron Frye's book on Elder Confidentiality
by Confession 33 Replies latest watchtower beliefs
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Gregor
Bilz. I appreciate your candid post. You are not the lone ranger in your breaking trust, don't beat yourself up over it. For me it was just something I never did and my wife never pressed me. I saw first hand some situations where elders wives used inside info as currency (gossip) to raise their stature among their female peers in the cong. It was a nasty business.
The worst case, which I have posted here before, was of an older brother who's wife had cancer. He went to an elder who was an old friend and 'confessed' to him that he had been masturbating and it was eating at his conscience. The elder told him to stop doing it (brilliant). Then the elder told his wife about poor old Clarence and she told a few pals and it became snickering gossip and it got back to Clarence that damn near the whole cong. knew he was jacking off. His wife of fifty years passed away, he quit going to meetings and isolated himself from all the people he had ever known. He died shortly thereafter. This was rotten behavior.
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Confession
Wow, Gregor, that was pathetic. I don't know what Ron was describing exactly, but his use of the word "confidentiality" seems to indicate he shared things with her that he shouldn't have. Perhaps not.
While an elder I definitely never shared anything of a sensitive or confidential nature with my wife, and I was outspoken to other elders--my father included--who would sometimes tell me things that I had no right to know.
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mouthy
Blitzfan I want to say I admire you very much. That was such integrity you showed. (((HUG))
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AK - Jeff
I know of nothing but bad things happening when elders shared things with their wives, buddies, or whoever, the confidential matters they were entrusted with. Dirty pool. It's all a part of what's wrong with the WTS. No justification for it.
Gregor - Who gave them the authority to meet secretly and decide 'everlasting matters' for those being tried. What is wrong is not the lack of confidentiality - but the idea that it should be confidential. The WTS claims to model these star chamber inquisitions on the Biblical Jewish elders who sat in public and aired the matters - it added transparency to men judging others. Three men met in a private room - I was not even there - and decided to expel me - take away my friends and even my wife [if she would have gone along with it] - THAT IS WRONG! Jeff -
LongHairGal
I have always known their "elder confidentiality" is a joke. I have heard things discussed over the years that were clearly confidential but obviously some elder couldn't keep his trap shut and told his wife. She, in turn, obviously got on the phone and told all her special pioneer friends who then told their friends and so on.... Then there is the problem of elders stepping down. So, what happens to all the secrets they were told? Are we to rely on their discretion to keep silent (this is assuming they ever HAD any discretion). There is no obligation or caring about the welfare of anybody in the congregations. They couldn't care less about you or whatever harm comes to you because of their careless wagging tongues. They are just so many spiteful children who have the audacity to think they are a "brotherhood"!
At least a priest in the catholic church, generally speaking, is a priest for life. Also, if a priest tells anything he is usually speaking to another priest. So, a parishioner's secrets may be known to several priests but not necessarily to other parishioners.
Now, contrast this to every other bro/sis in the JW congregations who knows things they should not and do not have the brains of a canary to shut up about it.
LHG
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AK - Jeff
I ordered his book, should be here this week.
I put Ron in the same class with Ray Franz in many ways. It takes a lot of guts to leave high-rank behind and try and sort it all out afterwards.
Jeff
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Doubting Bro
My wife is way more observant of things and better at reading people than I am. So there were times when I would bounce stuff off her regarding general congregational things (like why don't the pioneers get along, etc). But, I took someone asking for confidential help seriously and never told my wife or anyone else something told to me in confidence. The only time I can see violating someone's confidence (elder or not) would be if someone was going to get hurt if I didn't (like a child abuse case).
I have enormous trust issues anyway, so if someone ever violated my confidence, I would be crushed. So, applying the Golden Rule, I can't ever see doing something like that.
It does eat away at you, having many people confess crazy things and then not being able to talk about it with your best friend.
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blondie
Elder confidentiality is a joke. Even if individual elders keep confidences, eventually they tell the other elders. All it takes is one elder then who confides in his wife. Elders even tell elders from other congregations, thinking that by changing the names, that they are covered under the confidentiality clause.
Blondie
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Gregor
Gregor - Who gave them the authority to meet secretly and decide 'everlasting matters' for those being tried. AK Jeff, I agree with your post as far as the whole concept being wrong. But the people who went to the authority figures they accepted had a right to expect their personal matters be kept private.