Need Advice - Anyone in a divided (faith) household?

by lovelylil 20 Replies latest jw experiences

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  lovelylil

  If anyone else out there is in a divided faith household, may I ask how it affects your relationship? I am sorting trying to figure things out within my marriage as far as faith issues. Here is the background.

  I was never a conventional JW. Pretty much I got baptised because my husband wanted us to do it together. I had belonged to several other church denominations prior to the WT but was not really loyal to any one. My belief was that it was faith in God and Christ that was most important and not your denomination. The first few years in the tower, I was very busy with my kids. They were young and both had severe health issues (asthma) so I was not regular at all at the meetings. When I did attend, I almost never studied for the meetings. The only thing I kept up with was the Bible reading. And that because I just have always read the bible. I honestly thought the WT magazines were to teach those in the congregation who were weaker in faith and knowlege. Anyway, needless to say, I really had no idea what I had gotten into until a few years after I was in. Then it took about five years to get my family out.

  My husband and I have always, even as JW's disagreed on doctrinal matters and other faith issues. He has never really been spiritual minded. I studied with the kids, although he mostly counted the study. I also made the plans for service for our family and reminded him about prayers with the kids. He was very much an organization man and underlined his Mags. faithfully. But, he never built up his own relationship with God independent of the WT.

  Now, the dilema. We are in a very different situation now. We do not only sort of disagree, we are totally like night and day on many matters.I thought he would at least try to learn about God or Jesus on his own after leaving the tower but now it is the exact opposite. He studies nothing, does not read the bible. Will not seek out answers on his own and will just ask me what I think. I am now a born again Christian. He considers himself a Christian but in name only. He has no desire to follow Christ at all. He tells me the reason is he is just a worldly man. He attends church meetings with me but only because I have a nuerological problem and cannot drive there myself. He says he does enjoy it, and I know he does because he talks about it. But then he puts his Bible on the shelf and it sits there until the next church meeting. He says he wishes he had more faith but will not pray for it. He does not really believe God will answer him.

  I try to be balanced and not push my views because being a Christian is not everyones calling. But since now my family is really not religious, they sometimes bring things into the home, I would not allow if I lived by myself. Also, I am not into watching certain entertainment and do not gamble. I know some Christians do, but I have never like gambling. My hubby gambles and keeps insisting that I go with him to a casino. Other problems is he thinks I read the bible too much, so now I read it when he is at work. People contact me a lot for spiritual help and he complains about the time I give them. However, he used to go out in service a lot by himself and I never complained. Usually if I went I had to take two small kids with me, even on Bible studies I had. BTW I sometimes had 5 bible students any given week. The good thing is my kids learned to be extremely quiet. People at church comment on how good they are all the time. love my husband and he really is such a nice guy. But I feel bad because I know he left the tower because of me and if I knew he would be lost spiritually, I would have recomended that he stay.

  I recomended he speak to some of the older Christian men in the bible group we go to, but he says he does not need them to teach him anything about God. It is pride I think and not wanting to admit he is lost without someone to lead him. I cannot say anything to him about God or he tells me a women is not supposed to be teaching a man. (WT view)

  Anyway, sorry this is long. I needed to get it out. I am starting to really feel like a foreigner in my own home. How do others here deal with these kinds of issues? Lilly
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  sspo

  You cannot force spirituality on anyone, if he does not have love for spiritual things you will not be able to move his heart to do so right now.

  If as you said you are trying to follow what the bible says then follow what Peter said and be a godly woman so that he may be won without a word.

  I realize it is an aggravating situation for you but you need to just cope with it.
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  Navigator

  I agree with sspo. You can't force spirituality on anyone. However, Spirit has nasty little ways to get ones attention. Leave that in God's hands. Your situation could be worse. My wife is a full time Pioneer and I am a regular attender and leader in the Unity Movement. She will not darken the door to my church and I won't go to hers except for special occassions (mostly funerals). Although my kids were raised as JWs, almost all are now out. My wife blames me for that and I'm sure I had some influence on them. You wouldn't be in your marriage relationship with him if he didn't have something to teach you.
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  Sad emo

  Lilly,

  What the others said - don't push hubby, just keep loving and praying for him

  By God's grace he's out of the WTS, by God's grace in your circumstances he's attending church and by God's grace he enjoys going. This is where he is at in his journey, he may need more time to recover from the WTS than you do but he'll get there.

  Are there any men's groups at your church which do social things? Maybe YOU could talk to them and ask them to invite hubby along (a man thing I think - if you suggest it to hubby, he might say no way, but if other men invite him he may warm to the idea!). We have a mens group at our church which has a prayer breakfast once a month and they have other social events too such as bowls, going to the pub etc.

  peace
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  lovelylil

  Thanks guys, good advice.

  I keep praying for him. The thing is he seems very lost sometimes. And he says he has some guilt because he knows Jesus is God's son but does not want to follow him. I asked Why? and he just says, I don't know, I guess I am a worldly man with worldly desires. Then I think well I know he will embrace the kingdom of God when it comes, because he has always looked for to it. And I am not concerned with him being destroyed or anything like that. I don't believe God will do a mass destruction of unbelievers or anyone is going to hellfire.

  Our church is a house church. The group are all born agains Christians. There are no activities really for him. And even if there were, he will not go. I already tried it with another church and as soon as they said something he didn't agree with, he said he would not go again. The thing is what they said was in the Bible, but he will not read the Bible at all. In this house church, a brother gives a sermon but then we all participate. We can join in any time and give our thoughts on the scriputures. Much different set up then at the KH. Anyway, I asked him if he wanted someone from the church to have a little "study" with him about Jesus, and he got very upset. I think most of us JW's hate the term "study". And he was like, I already know what the truth is, I just choose not to do anything about it. So I was like, o.k. fine but if thats your choice, why walk around feeling guilty about it? You should be sure of your decision. I think the WT really messed up his mind.

  He does support me most of the time, and I am thankful for that. I know he does not fully understand my faith in God, but he is not directly opposing it. Although sometimes If I talk about things like prayer he has this "yeah right" look on his face. And the kids pick up on it and start laughing. If I look at him, hes like "what, I didn't SAY anything". I think sometimes he thinks I am very foolish. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent about it.

  Anyone else have any advice? Lilly
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  Mary

  Hi Lovelylil;

  Well, if you really want some advice, here's mine but you may not like it: I think you need to back off and let your hubby alone somewhat when it comes to religion. I know what I'm talking about because when I read your experience above, it reminds me so much of what happened to my grandparents marriage when my grandma started studying with the Witnesses back in the 1930s. In a nutshell, the religion nearly destroyed their marriage.

  My grandparents had been happy up until that point, but when my grandma became a Dub, she was almost fanatical in her dedication to the Borg. My grandpa simply wasn't interested in religion although he had no objection to her attending meetings. However, she put the religion before her marriage. She would no longer go out to dance halls (her and grandpa were both excellent dancers and actually met at a dance), they rarely did anything together as she was either at the meetings or our in Service and grandpa was either at work or at the parlour drinking and gambling with his buddies.

  I keep praying for him. The thing is he seems very lost sometimes. And he says he has some guilt because he knows Jesus is God's son but does not want to follow him. I asked Why? and he just says, I don't know, I guess I am a worldly man with worldly desires. Then I think well I know he will embrace the kingdom of God when it comes, because he has always looked for to it. And I am not concerned with him being destroyed or anything like that. I don't believe God will do a mass destruction of unbelievers or anyone is going to hellfire.

  I would suggest that you not keep asking him to "follow Jesus". You must realize that Born Again Christians can come across as fanatical as Witnesses and it sounds as though your husband simply is not interested in joining another group that he might view as 'fanatical'. If he believes in God and if you do not believe that God will destroy him at the Big A, then you should just let him be.

  I would strongly recommend that you make sure your husband knows that he comes first and you are not risking your marriage. Make sure you do activities and things with your husband which have absolutely no religious significance whatsoever. Keep the lines of communication open. Assure him that you love him. It seems that when you and your husband left the Borg, you both took a different path: he's more leary of organized religion now, and you found a religious group that (apparently) fills the void left by the WTS.

  All the best to both of you.
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  jgnat

  Lessee, I go to a regular evangelical church, hubby is a JW. We joke about our differences, but underlying is a basic respect. We talk everything out.

  I think you are pushing a little too hard. He may always be one of those quiet Christians who makes no display of his faith. I think you need to get in his skin a bit, understand how he might view the world. Maybe ask agnostics what bugs them most about Christians? See if you can modify your approach so that his views are respected.
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  lovelylil

  Thanks Mary,

  I appreciate your advice but I do think you misunderstood some of what I wrote. I am not preaching at my husband. It is his business if he does not want to be a Christian. Believe me I am not a fanatical born again. Here is what happens, he goes to church with me and then feels guilty because he does not feel as spiritual as the other members there, including me. I keep telling him don't worry about it. Every person is different. What matters is what is in his heart, he should not compare himself to other people. And if he wants to build his faith, he can read the NT. But I don't tell him he has to do it or become a Christian. He doesn't read the bible, but still feels guilt. I think he is used to the WT way of looking at what is on the outside (works).

  We do all kinds of activities together, like watch movies, ( even R rated), bowling, dinners out, family vacations, etc. The only thing I really object to is gambling and heavy drinking. The reason is I come from a long line of addicts, including alchohol and gambling. I absolutely HATE gambling and have since I was young. I think it promotes greed and that is my firm opinion. He knew this when we got married. I have never even bought a scratch ticket. His gambling is putting our family in financial trouble. Because he spends all his "allowance" that is in our budget, and then takes more money out of our account to buy scratch tickets. And he is gambling because he thinks if he wins big, he will have lots of money and feel better about life. This feeling of not being happy I believe is a direct result of the WT mind control. And I think gambling is his way of releasing stress. So I suggest other things like prayer, meditation, deep breathing, going for a walk, etc. But he says he is fine and can do what he wants.

  The thing I do object to regarding my faith is any mention of God and Jesus at all and he makes faces. And believe me I don't talk much around him about it. My son had a problem and we talked about prayer. Because he needed something to help calm himself down. And I said, maybe you can pray OR try meditation to help calm your emotions. And then heres my hubby rolling his eyes. I get upset because he goes to church and sometimes participates, says he likes what he hears and believes it, but then shows otherwise when we are alone. The biggest problem is the memorial will be coming up in a few months. This is another issue, he gets jealous of me partaking. The week before this day, my husband is absolutely mean spirited. Last year he asked me Why God would choose me to be anointed and not him? How can you answer a question like that. I told him ALL Christians should be spirit anointed or born again, that is how you know you are a Christian. But he believes the number has to be small. Hmmm, where did he get that idea?

  Also, he is out of the WT but lost spiritually and emotionally. I am not telling him what he has to do. But he seems to be so confused. The things he says and does are total contradictions. I even got tapes and books on mind control to see if these help break down some of the WT stuff, but he will not read or watch them either. I really think he has inner confusion and turmoil after leaving the WT. I suggested we all go to counceling together because after all we were in a cult, - he refuses. I don't know what to do. Lilly
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  jgnat

  I see what you mean, lovelylil. The partaking bit, the jealousy. It seems he is uncertain of his own spirituality. Yet he's kind of mad that you've found yours. It really does seem he considers himself unworthy of God.

  Strange as this might seem, how about having him read some of Dawkin's books? Does he read at all?
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  lovelylil

  jgnat,

  No, he will not read anything anymore. I think he has burn out from all the years of reading WT's and he does not trust his judgement about what he read. I know he feels like he got totally duped, like the rest of us ex-jws do. But I think with him, he is afraid of reading something else and being duped again. He does not trust his judgement anymore .

  The brother who gave a sermon this past Sunday said we need to be sure of Christ's teachings by reading the NT. That way we can seperate true teaching from false teaching. While my hubby agrees with this, he will not read the NT.

  If he would read, I have books on religion, cults, mind control. I have both COC books, The gentile times reconsidered by Carl. O Johnson, 30 years a WT slave, bible dictionaries, Bible encyclopedias, concordances, bible commentaries, the complete works of Josephus. I also have several Bible translations, the Tankh - from the original Hebrew, and the Koran. In addition I have books to learn OT Hebrew and NT Greek. And if he wants to know more about spirituality, I have books written by the Dahli Lama, and books on other beliefs around during OT times. (old testament parrallels). Someone from my church recomended The God Delusion. I thought about buying it, but I Cannot STAND Hawkins. He has such a negative view of anyone who has religious faith at all. I was surprised to find other Christians have read his book and I heard he has a chapter on the JW's and thier creation book. My hubby said he would not read it because he does not believe in evolution at all. Its funny because I am an old earth creationist and do believe in the theory of evolution, so we clash here too.

  He just told me this morning of the churches he did go with me to after leaving the WT, (I am still anti established religion), he likes the home church we are attending now every other Sunday. But he is stuck in the what type of works he needs to do cycle of the WT. He told me he wants to ask the church how they fulfill the great commission. I told him that our making disciples is a personal thing between us and Christ and there is no right way to do it. You just speak about Jesus when you have the opportunity to do so and you feel moved by God's spirit to do this. He cannot understand what I am saying, he keeps saying; Well, you have to DO it in a certain way don't you think? I'm like no, I don't think that. See what I mean?

  Anyway, thanks for your help, Lilly