Need Advice - Anyone in a divided (faith) household?

by lovelylil 20 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Mary

  We do all kinds of activities together, like watch movies, ( even R rated), bowling, dinners out, family vacations, etc. The only thing I really object to is gambling and heavy drinking. The reason is I come from a long line of addicts, including alchohol and gambling. I absolutely HATE gambling and have since I was young. I think it promotes greed and that is my firm opinion. He knew this when we got married. I have never even bought a scratch ticket. His gambling is putting our family in financial trouble. Because he spends all his "allowance" that is in our budget, and then takes more money out of our account to buy scratch tickets. And he is gambling because he thinks if he wins big, he will have lots of money and feel better about life. This feeling of not being happy I believe is a direct result of the WT mind control. And I think gambling is his way of releasing stress. So I suggest other things like prayer, meditation, deep breathing, going for a walk, etc. But he says he is fine and can do what he wants.

  OK, I gotcha.......Sorry, I don't think I was reading your initial post correctly. I'm no shrink, but yes, it sounds as though your husband might be suffering from depression over the whole Borg thing, and gambling is his outlet. Unfortunately, as you said, he's taking things to the extreme. Even if he won big, I guarantee that he would just continue to gamble as it can be very addictive for those suffering from depression. Gambling, like drugs, drinking or food, temporarily increases the seratonin in the brain, which is probably why your husband does it so often. To him, it "feels good" and he doesn't want to give it up. If that's the case, I think you're going to need more than prayer for him. He needs to feel better naturally, without the gambling addiction. I have recommended 5-HTP to several people on this board and I know from experience that it works well. Here is a link that I think would interest you as it specifically mentions low seretonin and gambling:

  http://www.smartnutrition.info/JamesSouth-5htp.htm

  This is another issue, he gets jealous of me partaking. The week before this day, my husband is absolutely mean spirited. Last year he asked me Why God would choose me to be anointed and not him? How can you answer a question like that. I told him ALL Christians should be spirit anointed or born again, that is how you know you are a Christian. But he believes the number has to be small. Hmmm, where did he get that idea?

  Sounds like he's still struggling with some of the WT's teachings...........Have you considered a trained Psychologist who deals specifically with helping those who have come out of a cult? It might be just what he needs.
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  lovelylil

  Mary,

  Thanks so much for your help. I wrote the initial post late last night and my eyes and mind were tired. So, I did not explain the situation very well which probably led to the misunderstanding. Thank you so much for the link. I was thinking to that I will talk to my church and see if they can help but also seek out a counselor who has experience dealing with people who were in cults. The counseling can help my husband and my kids. I know my daughter who had depression at 12 in the WT, still suffers from some anxiety. Maybe if I go see a therapist with the kids, my hubby will eventually come along. Lilly
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  Carmel

  Lil, Sounds to me like a tad bit of fanaticism laced with a sprinkling of denial. Sounds harsh, but you seem to equate going to church with being "spiritual" and you've somehow got your husband to buy into the same idea and he's feeling guilty. Hmmmm, wonder if a new paradigm isn't in order. I think Mary pretty much expressed my feelings. You may not be "preaching" but the fact you feel you have to pray for him reveals your reality. You really need him to believe and behave as you do so it will somehow validate you. He is an independent agent, responsible for his own spiritual growth and development. I'd bet he's a heck of a lot more spiritual than most the folks that darken the door way of church. Being religious is no guarantee of being spiritual.. carmel
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  lovelylil

  carmel,

  I think you have not read all the posts. I do not equate going to church with being spiritual. I am not affiliated with a church denomination in any way. I am really anti established religion. The reason I am going to this church, which is a house church is my husband felt he needed to be in a church to help him with spiritual things.

  I do not preach to him at all. He keeps telling me since we left the WT he feels guilty for not following God, Jesus or the Bible. He still has old ways stuck in HIS head and he thinks spirituality is based upon outward works. For instance he says he should be teaching about Jesus, or should be studying the bible, etc. And I tell him not to worry about it just see what happens. I also tell him he should just take time away from church, God and the Bible and think about how he really feels about things. That is what I did for a year after the WT.

  Because I still have a belief system, I do not have the anxiety that my husband has. He is confused and equated the WT with God himself and now is lost as to what to do. It does not bother me if he wants to be a Christian, Agnostic, Athiest, whatever, as long as he knows that is what he wants. The thing is he does not know what he wants to do, and is upset with me because I do know what I want to do. I've been living my same life as a Christian because that is what I always was and I am not in distress daily like he is.

  So if you had a hubby like mine who was confused, anxious, nervous and gambling to calm his anxiety and you are trying to be supportive and not tell him what to do, but he is still confused, what would you do? As far as prayer, I have never told him I pray for him at all. This may lead to more anxiety. I am simply letting him be and say nothing. But I am not going to go with him on a gambling binge to an indian reservation hoping that will make him feel better. Hope you understand the situation a little better now.

  Lilly
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  Phil

  Keep in mind that "RELIGION" is man made. Being "SPIRITUAL" does not make you any better or worse than anyone else. There are natural processes that happen in the development of we humans that have been going on for millions of years. Man created belief systems (religions) as there was a need to guide certain types of individuals through life. In a million years or so, humans will shed the need to rely on beliefs as a means of survival. Just because you have that need does not mean your husband has this need. In short, I suggest you leave him alone with his spirit and continue having a good married life. If I were a praying man, I would say a prayer for you, but I fear this would not help you one bit. If the old man up there is listening, it would probably help me more than you, and we wouldnt want that would we.
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  Tigerman

  Spend less time reading the Bible and more time making love.
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  Highlander

  My grandparents had been happy up until that point, but when my grandma became a Dub, she was almost fanatical in her dedication to the Borg. My grandpa simply wasn't interested in religion although he had no objection to her attending meetings. However, she put the religion before her marriage. She would no longer go out to dance halls (her and grandpa were both excellent dancers and actually met at a dance), they rarely did anything together as she was either at the meetings or our in Service and grandpa was either at work or at the parlour drinking and gambling with his buddies.

  That's sounds exactly like my wife. She told me that she loves Jehovah more than me. All I could think was, 'gee thanks, I feel so special now.'
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  onlycurious

  Be patient. All is in God's timing if he is ever going to come around. Wouldn't it be nice to have a husband with a regenerated heart loving to be next to you on Sunday mornings compared to a husband who shows up for you and you alone?

  Continue to pray for your husband but I also encourage you to pray for your own attitude towards him: not to be frustrated and to fully lean on God to bring him.

  ENCOURAGEMENT: My neighbor is Korean. She is in her 60's and met her hubby overseas. She became a Christian about 6 years ago (she was buddhist). Out of the blue sky, her husband said he was going to start looking for a church. When he finds one she is going to change from her Korean speaking church to spend that time next to her man. Believe me, this is a miracle!
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  jgnat

  I was suggesting books that have nothing to do with religion. He might need the complete break before he can settle down to what he really believes. I'm thinking he has to kick-start his mind, start trusting himself. If he won't read, how about a Richard Dawkins video?

  http://www.reitstoen.com/dawkins.php
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  lovelylil

  jgnat,

  Thanks but my hubby hates Dawkins. I would be more apt to read his books or watch a video of his. Its because although he is still confused about some issues of faith and church, he does not believe in evolution and would be considered a young earth creationist. I am the opposite, old earth creationist and I accept evolution as scientifically sound.

  Last night he said he is anxious about things. Because in the WT he was told exactly what to do to be accepted by God. He still believes in God but now does not know what God expects him to do. I told him maybe God doesn't expect anything from you but for you to live your life and be happy right now. He told me he does enjoy church but is confused about some of the things they teach. This house church really just sticks to the basics that most Christians would agree with. But of course if the WT was your only Christian experience, which it was for my hubby, then you would never have learned what the basics are.

  I was fortunate because I had other church experiences prior to the WT, I was able to just walk out of them and continue being a Christian. But for my husband he is not sure what to do, where to go or what God expects of him. And the jealousy comes in of his against me because he gets angry that I am at peace with my decisions and he is not. He is also going thru a phase where he wants to experience things he did not get to experience in the WT. While I am not against this in theory, I had to let him know some things I will not participate in because of my more conservative views.

  For now he decided to just keep coming to church and just listen. Because he said he does like going even though he came in the beginning just for me. Actually my kids like it too becuase its like a small bible study group and no one view is pushed. I told my husband even if he decides that the Christian life is not for him, it would not change my view of him or love for him in any way.

  Thanks all for your help, Lilly