I know everyone here thinks it's probably a waste of time for me to keep going to meetings cause I'm disfellowshipped. But I go for my own reasons, I explained these a while back when I first posted on here.
It was getting towards the end of the meeting and I just couldn't stop thinking about her. My ex.
My best friend, Dan, text me a while ago and made a joke that made me feel a little better. He's a JW, but we are like brothers so he contacts me sometimes and it makes me feel a little better.
But I got to thinking about him being my friend, and her, and everything. I just couldn't get over how I felt then. She just, she knew me so well, inside and out without even having to try it seems. I just think about Dan and how all these years, not him, any of my friends, my parents ever knew that I got molested by my brother. I mean, I know I can act, and play everything off. But still.
It never occurred to anyone why I set myself up for jokes? How I try to act so confident when I know I'm not? And I will let everyone joke about me just so they can feel better?
But she did, that first time we were together, both virgins and so scared. And when it was over she was holding me, and we were talking, and she saw right threw me, and just asked me point blank....I knew I loved her right then. She looked right in me and knew how hurt I was, and knew exactly who did it to me. I can't describe the expression on my face...like someone found out about your worst secret but at the same time relief that you didn't have to come out and describe such a horrible thing and at the same time joy that someone could know you so well.
I guess I was upset how no one understood why I was ever with this girl. I mean, she put me thru hell later on, and cheated on me after I asked her to marry me and she said yes. And I removed myself from being a JW cause I felt like such a hypocrite. I never thought it would be this lonely that night...when I was with her. But to have someone know that one thing about you. that you hid so well from everyone, and she accepted me at that time and never once judged me for it. Held me close, told me not to cry, that I was beautiful.
Man, she ripped me inside out at the end. She told everyone she could what happened to me, that I was a fag. Who could say that? I was 10 years old and got forced to do things I didn't want to. She told everyone that I was a freak...everyone she could.
I used to never cry when I was growing up, I never cried about what happened to me or anything. I only ever really cried when I was with her that first night. Now sometimes I cry, but I have gotten so good at the art of holding back tears, I know how to bite my teeth down so hard that the tears draw back in my eyes, and I swallow that slab of pain and let it slide over my throat.
But I was just thinking about how alone I am, and how no one I know personally understands this or me. And how I don't think I will ever be with someone again unless they can know this about me without me having to say it. Just that moment, that feeling...
Sigh. I guess it's not that bad. I mean I cried and I felt a little better and went about my day. I wouldn't say I'm neccesarily happy, or depressed. I have hobbies, I exercise, my life is in order except for my spirit. I feel numb to everything. I think actually, I'm kind of vile inside. That's probably why I don't pray, cause I allow myself to be vile and I don't want to have Jehovah listen to prayers from someone who does what he wants without regard.