Got home from the meeting the other day and couldn't stop crying (page 2)

Gill

(((((((( JamieL ))))))))

Take care and get help for yourself!

Counselling is good and will help you get through this!

J-ex-W

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( JamieL ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you've been through this, hon.

You're not the first person to tell this kind of story and, unfortunately, won't be the last. But you CAN KNOW that these things happening are in no way, shape, or form a reflection on YOU, on who you are inside (neither character nor 'orientation'). Your ex had some insight...and a whole lot of growing up yet to do. That is not your fault. You can take the good stuff she gave you and cherish that and let the rest be leaves to the wind (they don't have to stick to you).

I once looked at a friend and very gingerly--but point blank--asked her if she had been molested by her brother. I asked this, not because of any special power or connection I had into her soul, but to an experienced or trained eye, certain subtle but telltale signs will be there. She had unknowingly demonstrated enough of them that I was moved to ask, to see if I could in some way help her.

She responded to me in what I can only expect is much like the way you responded to your ex-'s gentle peek into the deep and tender pain. Her trust in me grew greatly and rapidly and she became very dependent on me (and a very few trusted others) through the process of seeking healing.

My point is, you CAN find this kind of knowing, unconditionally compassionate acceptance through someone NOT your ex. There are others out there who are able to discern and to understand and to care...and even if they are uninformed, so they cannot discern on their own, they may be ready to understand and to care once YOU are ready to open up trust and initiate the subject.

You WILL find it again, JamieL...and with somebody who WILL have the maturity and strength of character to never use it as a club against you in the future. [--The fact that she has done this is absolutely despicable!!]

You LET YOURSELF CRY. Tears are chemically cleansing, ridding the body of a buildup of stress-induced toxins. It's as natural and self-nurturing as blowing your nose on a regular basis. You deserve to care well for yourself and to be well cared for. You will find the person who understands and lovingly demonstrates that.

Crumpet

There is some really good advice here - one is you do need to talk about this and two not to feel ashamed or suppress your tears. It was cruel of her to betray your trust and confidence this way - perhaps she was hurting herself or as Satanus said just inexperienced. Thats not much consolation I guess but try to forgive her and you will feel better in yourself.

Learn the kind of forgiveness JWs sadly dont teach or practice - that which is freely given and set yourself free from blame, hurt and self castigation.

nicolaou

Oh Jamie! I cannot understand how people can be so cruel - your brother and your girl, I'm so sorry.

That's probably why I don't pray, cause I allow myself to be vile and I don't want to have Jehovah listen to prayers from someone who does what he wants without regard.

It's not the sort of thing I'd normally advise but perhaps you should pray. You are not vile and you have not behaved without regard, you just sound like a lovely guy who got terribly mistreated. If Jehovah is listening he'll understand. Please listen to the good advice from Renee and Crumpet and consider counselling.

You're among friends here Jamie.

free2think

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((JamieL)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Your story was heartrending.

I'm so sorry you've had horrible experiences at the hands of a so-called loving people. I hope that the board helps you in the healing progress and we on the board are here to support you in any way we can. You're not a vile person, we all deserve to be loved unconditionally.

free2think

Mary

(((((((Jamie)))))))

I don't think anyone here is going to judge you for going to the meetings......you gotta do what you think is best for you. I would, however, strongly urge you to seek a therapist, or a Psychologist to help you deal with all this trauma as it's clearly overwhelming you.

Keep posting here. That can be a good therapy in itself.

Mary

love2Bworldly

Jamie--I am very sorry that not only were you hurt as a child, but then hurt again by adults you trusted with your private business. Please don't feel that it's your fault or that you're a vile person as you say. And whether you are gay or not is irrelevant, it does not make you gay because you were molested nor does it make you a bad person. You really need professional help from a therapist to deal with this terrible thing that happened to you. I am divorcing my husband right now not because he was molested & raped repeatedly by his uncle growing up, but because he has kept it a secret for over 40 years and continues to sweep it under the carpet--it has ruined his life not because it happened to him but because he refuses to deal with it; he changes jobs every month, is a very negative & depressed person & is comfortable being a victim. You need to deal with this while you are young so that you can get on with the rest of your life, and make it a quality life that feels worth living.

I wish you the very best, and my heart goes out to you. But things will get better if you seek help!

truthsetsonefree

Hey brother, I know what you mean.

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

tsof

JamieL

Is your brother still around and is he a JW?
Outaservice

Yeah he is. He's married and having a kid now. He's about 2 years older than me. However, when we were kids I was 10 and about 4' nothing and like 100 pounds, he was about 6 foot when he was 12 and almost 200 pounds. So you can imagine....plus I trusted him all my life to do the right thing, so at first I didn't think he would hurt me or do something that would scar me so.

JamieL

Wow dude... what a tough burden you have been carrying around. Anyone in their right mind would completely be able to understand why you are emotional and having a tough time - you sound like you could be an expert at experiencing tough times. One day at a time, man... Are you attending meetings because you intend to return to the cult or are you going for the purpose of mending family ties so that you aren't viewed as someone on the outside?
Also, have you ever thought about seeking professional help from a counselor or psychiatrist? Especially is this important if you feel like you are a danger to yourself or someone else. Try to breathe, think rationally, and be patient. Read the posts on this board for comfort and closure. We feel for ya... some of us have been there too... - and we wan't to hear some good updates from you.

Well, I really do love some of the people at my old KH. I went there for 25 years, it's very hard to leave. Recently, like a few days ago, my spiritual grandma who I love very dearly died. She was such a nice person and she had a stroke a few years back and it sucked cause she was never the same. She was so full of life. What sucks more is since I'm DFd I couldn't ever visit her.

Also, I really love Jehovah a lot. I understand that this is a thing run by men, and like all things run by men there is fallacy and wrong things that happen. But I still believe in Jesus and the principles he set for his disciples in the first century. My father too. It is very hard on him. A few weeks back he came to see me and he was crying cause he really believes I might be in trouble (for everlasting life) if I don't go back. I don't want that to weigh on him if I can do something about it.

I understand a lot of the crap that is absolutely insane. For instance, in September I asked for reinstatement and one of the elders (who also happens to be my ex's uncle) looked me right in the eye and told me if I kept coming it would be "very soon" so I asked again in a few months and then nothin. "We are trying to help you, you need more time" You know, I confessed what I did cause I knew it was wrong, I made a promise to God (not an organization) to live by his principles and I broke them. But still, if you are asking for help, these men should help. Or as it says in the bible "pray over you and pour fine oil on your head" Really, is a lost sheep supposed to be wandering around and find it's way back? Or did Jesus say the sheperd (people responsible for the congregation) would leave the flock and look for the little lamb to help it.

No, I don't have feelings of anger. Are you kidding me? There are little mice in my apartment I don't have the heart to kill with a mousetrap, I just catch them and let them go outside. I would never hurt anyone.

Thinking about how I am, I really need to be around an environment of spiritual things or things that make me be spiritual. It's very difficult for me to read the bible or study like I should. It helps me to go for the information covered, and over time I have become an expert at filtering out BS that makes no sense. I don't know if I will ever go out in ministry work again. I think at the core the teachings are good for people (core teachings like the ressurection, no immortal soul, and the trinity not being true, Jesus sacrificing his life for us). Those type of things are good in a world that is quickly losing any sense of love. Other things are just insane and I would never encourage people to look into. Problem being I can't find a group of people that I would be comfortable with, I looked into the Bible students, but they have some insane reasoning too.

Got home from the meeting the other day and couldn't stop crying

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