The "Stupid Jokes" Thread (page 4)

quixote

This one is for Good Girl Bad Girl as she likes cow knock knock jokes :

Knock Knock

Who's there ?

Cowsgo.

Cowsgo who ?

NO, Cows go Moo !

tijkmo

whats green , got 4 legs , and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you.

a snooker table

Brother Apostate

There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US . But now a few women have entered the field.

A man goes to a female urologist for an exam. The female doctor says, "I am going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy obeys and says, "99!!!"

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."

Again, the guy says, "99."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your penis. Now take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy says, "One...two.. .three... "

Clam

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make is taking
a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a
sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the
sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, the man goes into the shop.

"I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that
they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised
in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd
like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on
for you."

The world expert on European wasps goes into the booth and
puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and
announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that
they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into
the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they
make steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his
head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on
European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't
recognise any of those!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Sir," says the young man, "perhaps if you'd like
to step into the booth again, you could have 5 more minutes."

Sighing, the world expert on European wasps and the sounds
that they make steps back into the booth. Five minutes later, he comes
out again, clearly agitated. "I am the world expert on European wasps and
the sounds that they make and yet I have recognised none of the wasps on
this LP."

"Oh I really am terribly sorry Sir," says the young assistant...

"I've just realised I was playing you the bee side."

Brother Apostate

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat.

He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me.

It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like

me and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him.

Good grief, woman.

You don't need him anymore.

You're a United States Senator from New York.

Act like one.

funkyderek

Brother Apostate:

"I think it means we're Pisscopailians.

I thought if you were baptised by a janitor, it meant you were a JW

Anyway, on with the bad jokes:

A sandwich walks into a bar, the barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food."

~*~

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

~*~

A girl goes into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gave her one.

~*~

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a Jehovah's Witness elder are travelling together. Their car breaks down, and they're forced to stop at a farmers house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu volunteers to sleep in the barn so he heads outside while the others take the beds. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow." So the rabbi agrees to switch places with him. A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn. So the elder is forced to give up his bed and sleep in the barn.

A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.

...

(wait for it)

...

It's the cow and the pig.

Good Girl or Bad Girl?

Thanks, Quixote!

Brother Apostate, your last joke was priceless.

Brother Apostate

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello."

"Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.

When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?", Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?", questioned Mrs Ward.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Brother Apostate

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies,

"It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

quixote

My sides are splitting ! !

Some more bad jokes : WARNING : ADULT ORIENTED

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," The little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal"

The "Stupid Jokes" Thread

Share this