Loosing Moms We Never Had

by Sparkplug 50 Replies latest social relationships

Sparkplug

Sparkplug:
Wow, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain--it sounds so confusing for you right now! It is really difficult when children have to become the parents. I hope that you can get some rest and relief from knowing that your mom will be looked after.
TS
ts~Thank you. It is confusing and I have about successfully managed to scare off everyone that gave two shits about me. lol The real rotton ones are still about tho. lol Strange how I am behaving like I am not myself. I see myself as I do it and yet cannot get my head clear.
Sparkplug

He did what he thought was right and guys have a different emotional makeup. I am sure when he saw it was not working it had to be frustrating. He also does not understand a "mom" tired. He has mom and himself. Her dog and a bird and a fish or two. He makes more money, has less stress and his job is way understanding andhe has power there.
I hope that all men, who in this lifetime cannot broaden their mind enough to encompass another's feelings and needs, are born as women in their next lives.
BTW she does not pick at her sores now so they are all scars. She just has a huge rash you get from being heavy in the rolls. It is really gross cuz I did not know it was there and I have not had one. So I felt so bad when I discovered it and iven worse when I had to clean it. I know it had to hurt her by the time I found it. It was really bad. It has cleared, and now a nurse will bath her twice a week in addition to if I have to, but I hope she gets placed soon.
Decki, I've cared for people who get that rash or redness and inflammation even under their breasts. The best thing to do when they're clean in that area is to make sure the area is dry, powder it with something like cornstarch AND put a small rolled up washrag between the folds. This will enable the area to stay dry and the problem will clear up with the skin getting to "breathe" and not being smothered and made sweaty by another layer of flesh.
I'm glad this is coming to a resolution for you, Decki.
Yeah he is trying to get it all. He has come so far being the repressed person he is I am suprised at the amount of caring he has shown. More than me that is for sure. He did make me laugh the other day when I asked for a razor and was going to shave my mom. She is old old school when facial hair came off with a razor and thus just made more grow. well seeing it all thick I thought poor thing...I should shave her. I told my brother I needed to shave her and he thought I was going to shave her bush. WTF? Talk about a goofy boy. The look on his face as he doubled over in laughter was priceless. It was like someone just said boobies to him for the first time. If I had a camera right then I would have had the picture of a lifetime. A big overgrown boy.
anyhow..as far as the rash, although I had no clue what to do, funny thing, that is exactly what I did, but with some medicated powder. It seemed to work right as rain. hmmmm spooky.
Sparkplug

oh, Sparky, I had no idea what you've been going through {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}
~Merry
Ah Merry, I think a lot less than you for you loved your mom so. Kisses
Dex!
Lady Lee

(((((Sparky)))))
No matter what the professionals say both you and your brother MUST say you can't do it anymore. If you waffle at all they will leave her there until she dies.
When you are dealing with a person with some form of dementia and disability there is no way you can know what is true and what isn't.
Now you know. Regrets won't change what is. You have done what you can. At some point you just have to give in and let professionals take over.
Some of us just had bad mothers. That doesn't mean there was something wrong with us. It means something was wrong with them.
The fact that others have seen and witnessed your ability to care for and nuture others is proof that you aren't as damaged as you may think.
Getting abusers out of your life is a huge step.
Perhaps now you can take a bit of the time you used to care for her and use it to pamper yourself for a bit. The bottle won't do hon. Try a bubble bath or a walk in a park or near water. Something soothing to your soul. A book, good music, a visit with a good friend who doesn't have to be cared for. Just learn you deserve something good
Nosferatu

Wow, you've gone through a lot. You're strong as hell for putting up with it all. You've also got a softer heart than me. Me, my brother, and my wife are plotting which nasty home to put my mother into when she's ready.... if she makes it that far.
Feel free to chat with me anytime. You know my myspace address (use the Canned Peaches one)
bernadette

(((((((((sparky)))))))
I'm really sorry about the distress you are experiencing.
My mum is very ill and dependent too at the moment. My brother has given up his job to look after her and is living on his savings. He does everything for her. I visit twice a week for emotional support for him. Like your brother he won't consider letting her go into a care home but unlike your brother insists on doing everything himself - he actively excludes all of us from hands on care. But he is becoming ill himself. I wish I could get through to him but have to accept what he wants - for now anyway.
Please don't allow yourself to go under - there is a point where one can lose track of what's really important in the long run and then everybody loses.
love
bernadette
bikerchic

((((((Decki)))))
I can't tell you what an emotional roller coaster ride your story gave me, but I can tell you with tears streaming down my face that I have more than the deepest respect for you and the love you have shown your Mother over the years. You probably didn't see it as love but more as a damn duty......but I see a little girl still wanting to somehow please her Mom and get some kind of acknowledgement for doing it, maybe even a sincere thank you from her would be enough to make it worthwhile for you.
I don't have to tell you that your Mother is mentally ill, you already know that all I can say is Decki how can you get blood out of a turnip? I totally feel for the caring person you are just wanting a normal Mom to do normal things with and not having to be put in the position of care taking your parent for such a long time (since you were 4) I can relate to that in more ways and I will try to tell you, bare with me. I'm not sure I would have it in me to do all that you have done and not be resentful for what you don't have in a Mother. Gawd this is bring up so much in me and I'm about to bore you with my experience.....I hope it helps you.
First all resentment can eat you up, it can make you very physically, emotionally and spiritually ill and it can take years to get over it if you are lucky and it hasn't worked itself into a disease of some kind.
I have a wonderful Mom and I'm am so glad beyond words to be able to say that today it wasn't always the way I felt about her. My Mom lived a life of not only a staunch JW but also as a very codependent person all tied up in what my Dad was or wasn't doing to the neglect of us kids. Our family legacy is one of neglect. I grew up not feeling loved and at the age of 4 realized that I was pretty much on my own....I became a very independent little girl which galled my Mother to know end needless to say we didn't get along very well, my older sister was wiser at playing our Mom and learned to be a people pleaser. My younger sister became invisible and had her own "friends" she is schizophrenic and now cares for our Mom on a daily basis and our Mom cares for her as well.....not sure who's zooming who??? But it's working for them for the time being and I'm thankful for that.
Decki it took me years of therapy to get to the place where I could admit that I couldn't get blood from a turnip......or rather I couldn't get from my Mom all the things I needed (and I was an adult by this time) but she did have some things to offer me and for that I became grateful. ACOA has a saying which became my mantra "when nothing else works try gratitude."
I remember the very day, the very place, and exactly what I was doing when I finally got it and was able to accept my Mother for who she is rather than what I wanted her to be and I knew I simply knew it was enough and some thing I could work with. It was an epiphany for me and it came hard learned by an independent little girl now a woman who surly didn't want to believe I would never have the Mom I wanted. What I have is a loving Mother who is limited in what she has to offer me and what I learned is that I as a Mother am also limited in what I have to offer and what I did give my children which makes me sad but then again I have to realize where I failed my own children I also gave them determination to be and do for themselves which isn't a bad thing and the goal after all is that we bring up independent children who can function regardless of what was given them. It may be my own rationalization about my own failures but I do know I tried my best with what I had to offer and I also know I try to console myself with that because I failed them miserably and I tried so hard not to, not to be my Mother yet I was some thing else. We can't be all things to all people and we will never be able to meet every one's needs and I hate that about myself, my limitations! Grrrr!
Gratitude is a hard lesson to learn and it won't happen over night but you already have an insight on this;
I can think of a few fun things and actually even if it is a bit sick, it is pretty damn funny to me how she described trying to rip her dogs head off..
You've found humor even in it's sick way.....BTW I don't think it's sick it is what it is and can be pretty laughable unless you're the dog. Your Mom is teaching you things even if they aren't what you want right now I bet some where down the line you will draw on this experience and find you have a strength you didn't realize, it will happen. Plus I can't help but think of what YOU are teaching your children about responsibility to those whom we are related to even if we don't particularly care for them. Lesson's in life don't come when you are having a good time and every thing is wonderful those are times to just enjoy the moments, lessons life affirming lessons come when we are struggling mostly with ourselves to do the right thing when we want to run screaming from the room. We stay and do what needs to be done because it's human, it's necessary it's the right and dignified thing to do, not for our self but for someone else's benefit. You are an awesome person and you are doing a wonderful thing not for your Mother who doesn't remember, doesn't care, doesn't see but for your own children who are observing and learning from YOU!
Hang in there girl and find the humor, let go of the resentment and be grateful for the little things which IMHO are part of the bigger picture. Can you imagine in your old age needing the kind of care you are giving your Mother from your children? Life's lessons, suck eh?
You know I wish I lived closer to my Mom so I could have been there to help her as she was convalescing from her recent surgery, but no the "friends" from the KH helped her (somewhat) and my younger sister who drew from her own inner strength helped her even though it was probably hardest for her with her inabilities limited as they are helped her.
Oh one other thing I would like to share with you which this brought up for me:
I have not even hugged this woman since I was about 8 unless it was forced on me and here I am worrying if the elastic band on her panties is going to aggravate her rash ………
Before my epiphany I started doing this thing we did in our ACOA group. Every time I saw my Mom I would give her a hug, this was funny because most of the time it was at the KH and my Mom is a very stoic person who hardly hugs. Her reaction at first was awkward and I wasn't sure I was doing the right thing or even doing it right! LOL But I kept on and I also never left her without giving her a hug and telling her I love her, no matter where we were. I really think this helped me get over it......funny thing is that now she and my younger sister have a nightly ritual of hugging each other before they retire each to their own apartments (they live close by) and can't go without doing this. Hum....
Well this was a gut wrenching post for me and I hope it helps you but I mostly wanted to tell you that you are an incredible person doing an incredibly hard thing and I wish you all the strength you can draw up to continue on keep doing this:
Lately though I just go through the routine with ease and I find that singing Afroman’s song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=305vRNoofr8 while doing it keeps me laughing. She seems to like the tune and does not remember it in five minutes so it is all good.
I think that's great! Hang in there Decki!
sigh.............
JamesThomas

Dear Sparky,
The universe is huge, and expresses endlessly. What we call "our lives" is also the universe unfolding. Things are as they are. Carry no guilt or remorse fore what you have done or did not do. Or what others have done, or have not done. It is as it is. The universe unfolding.
Be silently present in the moment, and do not abide too much or too long in the drama, judgments and chatter of the mind. Be kind to yourself and feel what it is to be alive, breathing, and just silently be-ing.
If it becomes too painful, then that is natures way of saying it's time to change. Your mother may have to be placed in a home. Again, you have done the best you can, and the universe unfolds. Not so much because of our efforts, as for harmony in a hugeness we are mostly unaware of. It is as it is. Be at peace with yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are always doing the best that you can. If you could have done something different you would have. Same goes for your dear old mother.
j
Sparkplug

(((((Sparky)))))
No matter what the professionals say both you and your brother MUST say you can't do it anymore. If you waffle at all they will leave her there until she dies.
When you are dealing with a person with some form of dementia and disability there is no way you can know what is true and what isn't.
Now you know. Regrets won't change what is. You have done what you can. At some point you just have to give in and let professionals take over.
Some of us just had bad mothers. That doesn't mean there was something wrong with us. It means something was wrong with them.
The fact that others have seen and witnessed your ability to care for and nuture others is proof that you aren't as damaged as you may think.
Getting abusers out of your life is a huge step.
Perhaps now you can take a bit of the time you used to care for her and use it to pamper yourself for a bit. The bottle won't do hon. Try a bubble bath or a walk in a park or near water. Something soothing to your soul. A book, good music, a visit with a good friend who doesn't have to be cared for. Just learn you deserve something good
I think you are so right about the waffling. These years I thought we had help coming and just the other day when we met up to see where the lady who was bringing help was at with that help was at, she said that she thought my brother said to hold off on all of it. So we have been waiting this whole time on help that is not coming. Damn it.
And don't worry bout the bottle hon. I am too poor to keep enough to do any damage or keep it consistant enough to do any good/bad. It sucks. I cant even be an addict if I want...lol I did manage to give myself a good headache the first few times tho'
Wow, you've gone through a lot. You're strong as hell for putting up with it all. You've also got a softer heart than me. Me, my brother, and my wife are plotting which nasty home to put my mother into when she's ready.... if she makes it that far.
Nosferatu~I don't think I am really strong for any of this. I feel like a whiney baby and wish I could carry myself with some grace like I have seen others do. They are all loving and sweet and I get so detatched and sing pot songs. I cringe and not only do I turn off the emotion when it comes to her, I do it in my private life also. I think I have pretty well managed to mess up my personal world quite right the last few months and what is worse I cant even figure out what I am feeling I am so detached from myself. So I guess for now I am just letting those who want to leave... leave and those who don't...stay. And anyone who is here understand that I have no clue what I am doing and basically may not for quite a while. I don't know, but I don't think anyone should expect much out of me as far as picking them up right now. I can't even hold myself together which is not really the norm. So it does not really feel like I am stron at all...more like weak as hell and anyone expecting me to make a decision must be out of their mind.
Sparkplug

(((((((((sparky)))))))
I'm really sorry about the distress you are experiencing.
My mum is very ill and dependent too at the moment. My brother has given up his job to look after her and is living on his savings. He does everything for her. I visit twice a week for emotional support for him. Like your brother he won't consider letting her go into a care home but unlike your brother insists on doing everything himself - he actively excludes all of us from hands on care. But he is becoming ill himself. I wish I could get through to him but have to accept what he wants - for now anyway.
Please don't allow yourself to go under - there is a point where one can lose track of what's really important in the long run and then everybody loses.
love
bernadette
Bernadette,
I am so sorry that you have to go thru this yourself. It is a very big thing your brother is doing and that is what he is compelled to do. Nothing but the very most is what he feels will satisfy him and so he must do it. See? It is terrible that he is ill himself. At some point he will have to accept help and then it may be hard to put aside the hurt of being excluded for a bit and just step in and do what has to be done.
I am trying not to go under, it is just not being detatched that gets me and that is really hard to control but I will try to keep working on it.

Loosing Moms We Never Had

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