Hang in there sparkplug... the wife and I know exactly what you are going through. We had her mother for five years and the description sounds the same. She would spend the whole night yelling out my wife's name loud enough for the next door neighbors to hear her. Hope you have better days ahead. Really consider the home, my wife promised her father that she would not put her in a home which really is not fair..(((((((hugs to you)))))).
Loosing Moms We Never Had
by Sparkplug 50 Replies latest social relationships
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J-ex-W
Sparkplug---------- I will ignore the parts about your attitude that anger me for now, and just address the things I can do without...losing my own cool.
Just wanna let you know that your mom has needed serious psychiatric care and loving family support for a long while.
I suspect the same is true for you, too (having been in need of loving family support for a long time).
While I AM sympathetic to some of the crap you've had to deal with, I have to be honest in acknowledging that our own attitude and approach can do a world of good or do a world of further HARM to our situations and the people around us.
That 'digging' thing you're describing--digging into the skin--it may be an identifiable psychiatric condition but, unfortunately, I can't remember the name of it right now. I'll write you back later after I hear from a friend of mine who might be able to tell me. A doctor told it to her when one of her loved ones was diagnosed with it.
Anyway...if you're not already getting therapy on a regular basis, I would strongly urge you to do so, because something tells me you ARE a considerate, loving person under normal circumstances...but just haven't been dealing with normal circumstances for a long time, for that to have a chance to express itself properly. Sometimes we need recallibration when the natural ratios in our life get out of balance.
I know some of my words sound hard...but I also know you are looking at your own situation and recognizing at least some of the truth in it yourself...and want to HEAL. Acknowledging all the elements of what went on--the good, the bad, the ugly, the indifferent, our part in it, the other's part in it and just pure dumb uncontrollable circumstances--acknowldedging ALL of that is what can lay the best groundwork for rebuilding...healing...on a more solid foundation.
This is what I would wish for you. You deserve to be able to draw from the positives of your situation and move forward in a way that benefits you and your loved ones around you. I really wish you the best in dealing with this emotionally confusing and devastating time.
Anyone would be confused and overrun with conflicting emotions in your shoes, right now. I hope you know that. Please seek help to sort it out...this is not the kind of stuff that 'time' alone can heal. Conscious effort and, very likely, a professional guiding hand is what is needed to help bring the healing you deserve.
Good luck to you on this!!
J-ex-W
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Sparkplug
((((((Decki)))))
I can't tell you what an emotional roller coaster ride your story gave me, but I can tell you with tears streaming down my face that I have more than the deepest respect for you and the love you have shown your Mother over the years. You probably didn't see it as love but more as a damn duty......but I see a little girl still wanting to somehow please her Mom and get some kind of acknowledgement for doing it, maybe even a sincere thank you from her would be enough to make it worthwhile for you.
Bikerchic~ It is odd what I got from all of this. it is thru my kids actually. People don't understand me often and I have these strange things about lets say eating or even speaking up, or what I concider rude or just habits ...just stuff that nobody ever gets. Well having my mom around made my two older kids come to me and tell me that they now understand me. I started to be hurt like it was a bad thing, but they said no, that now they just understand what makes me tick and it is nice to really know their mom now. My daughter was more into the conversation than my son, but I know he got it too. So if anything it was good to see that they understand the JW thing a LOT more and just how it was for me growing up and what it was like growing up with MY household. See I can't ever explain it to anyone and even I don't get all the ticky dot things about it to explain. But nothing teaches like experiencing first hand.
I don't have to tell you that your Mother is mentally ill, you already know that all I can say is Decki how can you get blood out of a turnip? I totally feel for the caring person you are just wanting a normal Mom to do normal things with and not having to be put in the position of care taking your parent for such a long time (since you were 4) I can relate to that in more ways and I will try to tell you, bare with me. I'm not sure I would have it in me to do all that you have done and not be resentful for what you don't have in a Mother. Gawd this is bring up so much in me and I'm about to bore you with my experience.....I hope it helps you.
First all resentment can eat you up, it can make you very physically, emotionally and spiritually ill and it can take years to get over it if you are lucky and it hasn't worked itself into a disease of some kind.
I was resentful for the first few years she was here, maybe even up to four...but then I just closed up to it and it is not until this last few months that I actually have felt pity, caring and even crying. I feel like I have been hit by a freaking MACK truck and I have no clue what to do with it. It would make me physically ill to be around my mom for an hour or two before (for most of my life) and now here I am crying over her. The woman I adopted as a mom and cried and grieved and loved died a few years ago and I did not expect to feel anything now. I even told off my JW sister for her crappy ass attitude and not helping any the other week. That suprised me.
I have been sitting for hours actually in awe that you took the time to respond in such detail and am stumped on words to express how I feel about it all. I guess the best I have is "Thank you". I know this may seem lame but I mean it most sincerely and from the bottom of my heart. I will think on what you have written a long time and already have re-read it many times. It is a lot to take in and I have not formulated what it is I am feeling yet...but it is good I can assure you. Thank youso much.
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Sparkplug
Dear Sparky,
The universe is huge, and expresses endlessly. What we call "our lives" is also the universe unfolding. Things are as they are. Carry no guilt or remorse fore what you have done or did not do. Or what others have done, or have not done. It is as it is. The universe unfolding.
Be silently present in the moment, and do not abide too much or too long in the drama, judgments and chatter of the mind. Be kind to yourself and feel what it is to be alive, breathing, and just silently be-ing.
If it becomes too painful, then that is natures way of saying it's time to change. Your mother may have to be placed in a home. Again, you have done the best you can, and the universe unfolds. Not so much because of our efforts, as for harmony in a hugeness we are mostly unaware of. It is as it is. Be at peace with yourself. Be kind to yourself. You are always doing the best that you can. If you could have done something different you would have. Same goes for your dear old mother.
j
James Thomas~ Your words hold a special place in my heart as always. Somehow you have a way of reaching into my emotions like poetry and setting me at ease. This part especially"If you could have done something different you would have. Same goes for your dear old mother."
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Sparkplug
J-Ex-W~Hmmm, Where to start? When I post on a board I never expect it all to be good. That would not be a truthful discussion would it? I am sure my attitude may have pissed you off as it has angered myself for years. There are many deep wounds between my mom and I that cannot be healed now by words between she and I. Now mainly it has to be settled between myself and my own mind and what conclusions I can reach with no answers.
Just wanna let you know that your mom has needed serious psychiatric care and loving family support for a long while.
This is nothing that I do not know and have not helped and watched her go through for most of my life. My mom is manic, bipolar, something to the sound of dymentia (sp) parasitosis and takes an arsinol of meds and yes needs a lot of love and attention. Unfortunate for her her kids are the hardest ones to give it to her. See as kids she was untreated and we were left to the mercies of what a person who does not have a sound mind lets into your life. My brothers and sisters and I were exposed to 13 molesters and rapist in our lifetimes and each of us used by at least one.) Don't get me wrong, I am settled with all of this now and I have lost all the anger and hatred that I had for years. I just really am shocked that now I am feeling compassion. I feel badly for her for she herself did not get love from my grandma. She was put in a very hard situation and being a very loving person she was left to the "wolves". I being the youngest got the least from her. I saw her the least and I left the youngest. When I did try to go home she gave me the name of a good shelter.
I suspect the same is true for you, too (having been in need of loving family support for a long time).
I have more love in my life than I know what to do with and have for a long time. I learned to make a family a long time ago when I finally let go of the dub beliefs and realized that I was a good person and I did deserve and could accept love. Having my own kids has taught me love and I see a lot of what she must have been up against.
While I AM sympathetic to some of the crap you've had to deal with, I have to be honest in acknowledging that our own attitude and approach can do a world of good or do a world of further HARM to our situations and the people around us.
I respect that. I am sure you have had things to deal with that have influenced your feelings in these regards I would think. So I can respect that. Mind you I am not looking for sympathy, just maybe some understanding so that I can sort my head out, a person who has been there, or even just a hearing ear. But never sympathy. A judge and jury is never a great thing either, but extreme is always good to hear because in hearing the extremes it is easier to find a balance pooint.
That 'digging' thing you're describing--digging into the skin--it may be an identifiable psychiatric condition but, unfortunately, I can't remember the name of it right now. I'll write you back later after I hear from a friend of mine who might be able to tell me. A doctor told it to her when one of her loved ones was diagnosed with it.
It does not seem to matter much at this point. She has stopped digging. It is the least of her problems now. Even if she starts to she cant seem to remember much of anything for more than a few seconds. Maybe a minute.
Anyway...if you're not already getting therapy on a regular basis, I would strongly urge you to do so, because something tells me you ARE a considerate, loving person under normal circumstances...but just haven't been dealing with normal circumstances for a long time, for that to have a chance to express itself properly. Sometimes we need recallibration when the natural ratios in our life get out of balance.
Nothing has changed. I am still the same person I always have been...just feeling a bit more. Odd to read that you think I might not be the above things. Maybe it is because I tend to laugh when I want to cry, stay quiet when I want to scream, cry when I am angry, run when I want to stay...
I am thinking that people tend to handle things differently and perhaps it may seem ugly the way I handle this. I don't mean to be. It is just how I get through it.
I know some of my words sound hard...but I also know you are looking at your own situation and recognizing at least some of the truth in it yourself...and want to HEAL. Acknowledging all the elements of what went on--the good, the bad, the ugly, the indifferent, our part in it, the other's part in it and just pure dumb uncontrollable circumstances--acknowldedging ALL of that is what can lay the best groundwork for rebuilding...healing...on a more solid foundation.
Your words don't sound hard, just only reactional to what I was able to put in just this post. I am sure you know that I could not possibly lay all the dynamics down on this post alone. Just getting a bit out.
Good luck to you on this!!
Thanks
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Sparkplug
Friendly one~ WTF?
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cruzanheart
Sparky, hon, I know where you are with this. You NEED to put your mother in a nursing home, for her own safety. It is the best thing for her. Make sure it's someplace with a locked ward so she can't wander out. Call the Dallas Alzheimer's Association or look it up online and get a list of nursing homes with locked units. They will also list the ones that take Medicare and Medicaid.
You know what? You have a RIGHT to be angry about your life, about what your mother did and didn't do for you. I don't care what her problems were -- when you bring a child into the world, you have an obligation to give that child the best protection and upbringing possible. No one is going to be perfect, but no one has the right to be toxic and damaging and say, "oh well, that's the best I could do." It's okay to be angry about what happened to you and it's okay to blame your mom for shutting her eyes to the obvious and not protecting you when, as an adult, she could have and SHOULD have. And you need to take pride in what you have given your children -- I figure mine will end up on the therapist's couch but it damn sure won't be for child abuse or enabling.
When Chris' mom was diagnosed with cancer, a few old biddies at the KH said that oh, well, now things are different, you HAVE to forgive her. WHY? She didn't change. She didn't act like a loving mother, even though she was dying, so why should he have to treat her differently?
You be yourself. You are being a great daughter, going above and beyond.
Please please please call me/email me and let me help you through this. I've been there and can tell you what to expect.
Hugs,
Nina
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cruzanheart
perhaps it may seem ugly the way I handle this.
No, it's beautiful. You don't try to sugar-coat your life -- you face it head on, paint it with angry, sad, happy colors, and live your life true to yourself. No one could do better.
Nina
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Sparkplug
Sparky, hon, I know where you are with this. You NEED to put your mother in a nursing home, for her own safety. It is the best thing for her. Make sure it's someplace with a locked ward so she can't wander out. Call the Dallas Alzheimer's Association or look it up online and get a list of nursing homes with locked units. They will also list the ones that take Medicare and Medicaid.
You know what? You have a RIGHT to be angry about your life, about what your mother did and didn't do for you. I don't care what her problems were -- when you bring a child into the world, you have an obligation to give that child the best protection and upbringing possible. No one is going to be perfect, but no one has the right to be toxic and damaging and say, "oh well, that's the best I could do." It's okay to be angry about what happened to you and it's okay to blame your mom for shutting her eyes to the obvious and not protecting you when, as an adult, she could have and SHOULD have. And you need to take pride in what you have given your children -- I figure mine will end up on the therapist's couch but it damn sure won't be for child abuse or enabling.
When Chris' mom was diagnosed with cancer, a few old biddies at the KH said that oh, well, now things are different, you HAVE to forgive her. WHY? She didn't change. She didn't act like a loving mother, even though she was dying, so why should he have to treat her differently?
You be yourself. You are being a great daughter, going above and beyond.
Please please please call me/email me and let me help you through this. I've been there and can tell you what to expect.
Hugs,
Nina
Nina, I just love you. You know, You always make it ok for me to be angry and yet not act a fool. I would have answered last night, but I got called over to help my mom again. she fell yet again (for like the 6th time this week.)
Tomorrow we are going to really push for a home for her. My brother will be traveling to Canada and Brazil next month and will be MIA for half the month. If she should fall just once...there is where she will lay. I can't lift her. I guess my son and I can, but what am I gonna do, go get him from school...pick grandma up, and get back to work before they fire me?
I guess if that is what is required, but really we HAVE to get her in somewhere NOW.
Anyhow, I went today and cleaned and did laundry and set my mom on the porch to watch her grandbaby gal run around and chase her poodle. I could tell she had way enough in about 5 minutes, and it was sad to think that if she gets in a home this is the last sunny day on her back porch she will enjoy.
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fifi40
Decki
Just to say my heart goes out to you and how impressive your honest comments are.
I know you dont have a problem with J-ex-W's comments but I have to say my bit on those comments which is, that whilst I can see that they were written with in part a considerate motivation I think it is wrong to say that parts of your attitude caused anger or that they would address the parts they could- without losing their cool. Nobody has a right to feel angered by the comments you made, nobody has lived in your shoes and experienced the things you have. Anyone who has similar experiences can relate to some of the things and feelings you wrote about without feeling angry toward your attitude. To me you show an enormously patient and caring attitude toward someone who has not given you any reason to act in such a way. Your way of describing some of the aspects of what you are dealing with may shock some, but your continued action is only desrving of deep respect.
J-ex-W, whilst I know that some of the advice you gave was well intentioned and more likely than not correct, I ask you to really consider your feelings of anger towards someones attitude, who has so obviously, shockingly suffered at the hands of the person they are now one of the main carer's for.
Keep going Denki, I hope things work out well for you.
Fifi