Ever notice?

Sparkplug

How fast a crisis brings everything into perfectly clear focus?

I often wonder where do the strong go when they need to cry? Well truly...today...I can see the separation of people in my life. Right down the middle.

From close lovers and dearest friends,

people at work who ask how your parent is, then criticize and wonder if you really go take care of her or have your toes painted,

to people here who step up and lift the spirit...people I have not really even seen before,,,to others that I have smiled at and offered friendship and today feel the freaking knife as I try to get it out of my shoulderblade. How is that song? "They smile in your face...all the time they want to take your place....backstabbers..." I tell you what the world is sooooo full of them.

It all seems so clear as a LONG streak of unfortunate events shows me who is there when I actually need this time.

It is like the whole perspective on this picture just shifted and all that was in the background has come into focus...and all the focused....is but a blur.

It is strange. I wonder did I become more in focus to anybody? Does it matter? Really tho, I think if anyone was looking I never have tried to distort the picture. Good or bad.

I am a bit of a mess tonight and I must say that I am suprised and delighted to find many people I thought would never be there for me have stepped up to the plate and I am saddened that those I had put faith in that I just knew would be there are not. I am touched and crying from all the love that has been shown and I thank you for a good portion of it. And I am touched and sad because with all change comes some discomfort.

Abandoned

"They smile in your face...all the time they want to take your place....backstabbers..." I tell you what the world is sooooo full of them.

Yeah, TLC. I love that album especially.

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time lately. I sure can understand that. ((((((((((sparkplug))))))))))

J-ex-W

((((((((((((((((((( sparkplug ))))))))))))))))))))

It is strange. I wonder did I become more in focus to anybody? Does it matter? Really tho, I think if anyone was looking I never have tried to distort the picture. Good or bad.

I believe that. You are very emotionally honest and astute. I know what you mean about being down/ needing help and being surprised--shocked--and dismayed at who came out of the woodwork to lend appropriate support and who just didn't know HOW to hold onto the ball (but instead dropped it with a flat, sickening thud).

Forgive those who don't know how...for sometimes we are that one to someone else, whether we may have been even vaguely aware of it or not. You're right--you do have MANY supportive voices here to supply your needs. Soak it up, Hon! Soak it up.

Sparkplug

Yeah, TLC. I love that album especially.

Is that who it is? I do love that music. Just smooth...

so here is a tidbit from my off kilter day....

My mom freaking tries to smuggle a soda pop in her boobs and a chocolate pudding. all the while kicking and puching her walker sideways with one arm. So my brother catches her today and gets her sat down and gives it to her right and then gets her back to her room and settled in. so he gets back to working and hears a noise. (Mind you this woman has fallen a gazillion times this last weekend and need not be tooling around let alone carrying snacks.......) He finds her back in her room, even as slow as she is going with two more puddings and a potato peeler. Now Mom!

So next week I am so in for it. I have no idea how if she falls I will get her up. Maybe I will just make a pallet on the floor with her?

That is what keeps me laughing in spite of it all being so distorted now. A vegetable peeler and pudding. She is so lost now.

Abandoned

That is what keeps me laughing in spite of it all being so distorted now. A vegetable peeler and pudding. She is so lost now.

Oh honey. Yeah, I know this stage. I worked with this stage for two and a half years in an Alzheimer's home. My advice as someone who has seen the whole gamut from when they are first diagnosed all the way through: Get help for yourself. You are not letting your mom or anyone else down by getting help. Memory loss is very frustrating to deal with but more so when it involves a family member. ((((((((((sparkplug))))))))))

Sparkplug

Forgive those who don't know how...for sometimes we are that one to someone else, whether we may have been even vaguely aware of it or not. You're right--you do have MANY supportive voices here to supply your needs. Soak it up, Hon! Soak it up.

I think one thing that got me was a girlfriend that I did not think would have it in her to go help my mom...went over and helped me pick her up the other day and as she got water for my mom I saw how lost my friend looked as she tried to answer the question, "How do I know this is the good water?" It was about that time I realized...hell she is really trying.

I had to explain to her about the water switchers and all the underground dealers who bring in false water...off to the side of course. hehe

and yes you described it to a tee. The ball dropping is a sickening THUD. Just lands and has no air. Like an old flat 1950 gym ball. Overheavy and flat.

Sparkplug

Memory loss is very frustrating to deal with but more so when it involves a family member.

Truly that is not what has me stressed. It is things such as "if she falls, how do I get her up if my brother is gone. she is not small...?" and How many times will my very ridgid and unforgiving job let me address this before they decide to get rid of me. Yes I know FMLA and I have that. unpaid...(Even worse) but still...if they want you gone, there is always a way.

Or will she hurt herself in the few minutes it takes to drive the baby to school and back.

Those things worry me.

J-ex-W

I never had to see it or deal with it personally, but when I was about 14 or so, my grandma had developed Alhzheimer's and stories were cropping up all the time. For those of us hearing it--but not living it--it was both humorous and sad, and then guilt-inducing for even finding humor there at all. But then again, Mildred would have found humor in it, too, were she cognizant.

She was an at-home mom all her years, and toward the end, when she was no longer the cook and others were bringing food for her and grandpa, she would still hunt down any potatoes in the house to put on the stove to boil. The others were doing their utmost to prevent her--fire/ stove and all--so she would take to filling pots with water and peeled potatoes and hiding them in the cupboard to boil later, after company was gone. These pots would be found by the company, several of them on the same day. Over and over again.

It's okay to laugh, even crazy, half-teary maniacal laughter, at this insane situation you now find yourself in. It's okay to fantasize, too, about anything that could put an abrupt halt to the inanities you are enduring. My heart goes out to you.

J-ex-W

Truly that is not what has me stressed. It is things such as "if she falls, how do I get her up if my brother is gone. she is not small...?" and How many times will my very ridgid and unforgiving job let me address this before they decide to get rid of me. Yes I know FMLA and I have that. unpaid...(Even worse) but still...if they want you gone, there is always a way.
Or will she hurt herself in the few minutes it takes to drive the baby to school and back.
Those things worry me.

It's like caring for a toddler all over again--only one that's too big for you to pick up and contain in the ways necessary. How long will you be dealing with this before she is put into supervised care? I didn't get to read all the posts the other night.

Sparkplug

But then again, Mildred would have found humor in it, too, were she cognizant.

See...I know my mom would be laughing. Hell she is laughing now, but then she forgets why.

She was an at-home mom all her years, and toward the end, when she was no longer the cook and others were bringing food for her and grandpa, she would still hunt down any potatoes in the house to put on the stove to boil. The others were doing their utmost to prevent her--fire/ stove and all--so she would take to filling pots with water and peeled potatoes and hiding them in the cupboard to boil later, after company was gone. These pots would be found by the company, several of them on the same day. Over and over again.

That is exactly what I am talking about and "Sorry Mildred, I did have to laugh..." It hit close to home.

It's okay to laugh, even crazy, half-teary maniacal laughter, at this insane situation you now find yourself in. It's okay to fantasize, too, about anything that could put an abrupt halt to the inanities you are enduring. My heart goes out to you.

I just feel a bit pissy when people get all offended that I laughed. Personally...as you said, I KNOW my mom would be cracking up. Thanks. Makes me see other people felt the same things too. I am calling it Humor Guilt.

There are things I know she would never and did not laugh at but I still did after the appropriate time period...kind of like when you spill your guts 10 years after you buried her favorite china plate you broke in the back yard so she would not know...

Like the time I actually killed her dog. I thought it funny as hell. Now I know it is not funny...but if you knew my mom and her dogs and how much I hated them..and go figure I get it killed when she hits town within the first hour...OMG(I so did not mean to let it out and never would have hurt it). NOW THATS funny!!! But not so much if I am PC. I will have to tell you all about it sometime.

Ever notice?

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