Those raised as JWs-Do you recall the path of doubts that led you to leave?

by ithinkisee 49 Replies latest jw friends

  • Hortensia
    Hortensia

    I didn't have any doubts - I didn't think about it much while I was active. I was into people pleasing and being as perfect as possible (must have been an appalling person to be around). I became seriously depressed, recalling it now I find it hard to believe just how depressed I was. Began taking antidepressant meds and seeing a psychologist who helped me see things in a more normal light.

    Then, and this is the truth, I saw a bumper sticker that said "since I gave up hope I feel better." That spoke to me like nothing else, and I realized it was true. Since I gave up the JW hope, always putting my life on hold for the future, I DID feel better. I only took the meds and saw the psychologist for a year, but by the end of that year I was on my way out and I did feel better, much better, much happier. I still think of that bumper sticker as the turning point, although I suppose the depression is the real turning point.

    Then I began to look at the WTBTS and other religions and I could see that I didn't believe any of them. They're pretty much all alike, using ancient belief systems based on a primitive knowledge of the world to control modern people. I took a tentative look at evolution and could see the evidence is pretty telling. I started reading what astronomers have to tell us about the history of the universe and it became very clear to me that whatever is going on in the universe, it isn't centered around a bunch of fleas on a rock in a small solar system.

    I remember visiting a lot of churches - and sitting in them, feeling really rebellious and daring. I remember I went to the metropolitan community church in San Diego (I think that's the name - it has been a while) thinking that an oppressed group like gay men might have something worthwhile to say. Imagine my surprise when I saw the service led by a catholic, baptist, and jew, following traditional religious services in outline, and spouting the exact same garbage as all the other churches.

    The way to a spiritual future is to acknowledge what science has taught us about the realities of the world, and try to live a noble life, and leave the afterlife to take care of itself. I am not a christian, think it all sucks, but Jesus himself did say some good things, as did other spiritual guides in the past, in the sermon on the mount. You just have to stay away from all the doctrine, and hierarchy, and ludicrous belief systems, and try to live a noble life, doing some good, not harming others, or at least doing as little harm as possible, forgiving yourself and trying again on a daily basis to be whatever it is you consider "good."

    got a little preachy there - that is a hangover from my JW days when I felt free to lay down the law to everyone, and felt a little superior while at the same time secretly expecting to die at the big A. I'm ashamed of what I was then, but it's hard to get over some of the habits.

  • jeanV
    jeanV

    I was not raised as JW but got in touch with them in my teens. No doubts at the beginning, everything seemed so logical. I did find a few thing pharisaic, but did not bother too much. not affected by the generation change (never really thought it made sense that interpretation; only now I start to realise all the implications though).

    once a long time elder, showed me an article in the late 60's for young ones about the certainty of not getting old in this system (and therefore not waste time in school...). aren't we saying exactly the same (maybe in a more subtle way)? I wondered. (I have a feeling that he also has a lot of doubts but have not dared talking to him yet about other matters, but I am getting ready for it). Then a discussion with a former JW that just mentioned something about the cross. I checked the scriptures and the twisted explanation of John 20:25.

    Out of curiosity I looked for Ray Franz books and I came accross Gentile Times Reconsidered on Amazon.com. 607 was the eye opener.

    In the meantime I started to question also the blood policy, when a doctor asked me, would you let your daughter die (at the time less than 2 years old) rather than give her a blood transfusion in case of an emergency? I looked at this gorgeous blue eyed girl (every dad thinks his daughter is gorgeous ) and said to myself "is this what a God of love would really want?"

  • Borgia
    Borgia

    IthnkIsee,

    Example of the first doubt as a kid (6 years): I liked the girlfriend from nextdoor very much. We were in the same school in the same class living in the same street. We played together everyday. I remember giving her a kiss on the cheek and I still sense the softness of her skin.....BUT .....my dad went bezerk over it and called it an immoral act. I still remeber the beating.......

    Example of the second doubt as a kid: (8 years) If as christians we are supposed to give blessing ( Romans) why is it that 1) we are not allowed to say congrats at birthdays and happy new year at jan 1st? (so I said congrats, kiss kiss, Happy NEW YEAR, kiss kiss because I found the explanation given completely crap)

    Example of the third Doubt as a kid: My dad forbade us to read any more comics. I liked Lucky Luke, Donald Duck, Sammy, etc. All of a suddden it was forbidden. One day I had taken an album with me from the library. I was reading it while lying on the bed and it was becoming meeting time. My dad openened the door to my room, saw the album and went bezerk. He insisted on expelling me from the home and let me stay with my teacher whom he thought I'd rather obeyed than him. Yes, you read it correctly: This was not shunning: this was full blown disfellowshipping in the security of ones own home.......But then again: he was the chief ranking elder in the city.....So, I concluded that I loved my mother more than my dad, whom I started to dislike. There was not a ....synthesised doubt or something,.... more a feeling of something being totally out of place......

    Example of the fourth doubt as a kid: Why are the elders fighting amoung themselves? Are they not supposed to be loving and caring?

    Example of the fifth doubt as a kid: 1975......WTF?Oh no....As a kid I was not familiar with that expression. I just had that uneasy feeling that something was wrong: If Jesus said: You do not know the hour....what are they talking about? My mother went working. The cong was divided whether or not she was allowed to do that and whether or not well we were materialistic.(I still see myself sitting in that black leather chair that looked like the one James T Kirk was sitting in on the Enterprise......Far more exiting then the yellow: 1000 year kingdom book. )

    Example of the sixt doubt as a kid: 1975: we went on holidays for 4 weeks in a row to a country were the bro's did not know any cong existed. How were we supposed to survive the big A which was to come any moment now. On the contrary: we had to stay within the limits of the cong! Should or should we not be expelled?

    Example of the seventh doubt as an adolescent: Why does my dad has a need to punish us and threaten us if we would only contemplate in getting help from government youth emegency help? I thought that christians do not resort to violence........(at that time I started to recognize the pattern in my dad behavior: he resorted to violence and threats to keep us in line...hmmm)

    Example of the eigth doubt as an adolescent: Ressurection hope: To me my dead mother was dead....that was the end of it...period. Although I missed her terribly, the ressurection hopes expressed on all those cards we received at that time did not comfort me. Text A, B, C, D...They felt empty, like the book of Job. There's something going on but I won't tell you why: shut up, accept it and bugger off! It actually angered me. But what could I say.......It was all I knew....

    Example of the nineth doubt as an adult: Why did the elders not back me up on an assignment none of them were willing to take. I was assinged to care for a bookstudy group in another town about 10 miles from my house without having a car. You know the drill: conducting bookstudy, spepharding calls, fieldservice in that territory, taking care of the elderly needing some sort of support. This group consisted for a large part out of the most subverive elements combined jealosy and backstebbing our cong could produce. Coming to think of it still gives me a headache. That assignment broke me. If this was Gods spirit directed org than I did not understand spirit direction. compared to scripture, it was an emmpty meaningless statement. No care, no buffer, no backup, no help.

    Basically, all I was left with was a emptyness after 26 years of JW-life of which were spent 6 years in full-time service. I was just waiting for the....right answers......Those came in 2001 when Ihooked up in the net.

    Since then doubts have increased exponentionally. And I am quite coformtable with them ....

    Cheers

    Borgia

  • Frannie Banannie
    Frannie Banannie

    Ithinkisee, that's a very comprehensive list of doubts you made, chere. Good job! Wish I could align my doubts like that, too, but here goes:

    When I began studying in 1973, I did it because my older sister had told me she'd found it to be the truth. Since I was still gullible to her "superior" wisdom at the time, I took up studying with 'em in a vulnerable moment. Let's see what kind of list I can make for what transpired over the years afterward.

    1. During the time I was studying, the subject of the anointed came up and when the sister pointed out (in spite of the scriptures I was sittin' there showin' her in the NWT, which scriptures proved otherwise) that the anointed had already been chosen and the "door" was closed to that, I put my great big doubt about that WTS teaching in a mental cubbyhole for further examination when I was alone, because I KNEW for a fact that no human can decide who can and who can't be anointed for themselves or anyone else. I did this in favor of the "la-la-la-la-la...life's a holiday on Primrose Lane in the new system" analogy of the WTS, guppie that I was back then.

    2. Also, before I took up studying with 'em, I had been reading the bible and had begun a search for God's people here on earth, because I just KNEW they had to be somewhere and I hadn't found them in any church I'd attended. Also, from reading the bible on my own for a while, I kept wondering and asking God how I was supposed to follow in Jesus' footsteps and would have dreams that I was supposed to "hit the street" to "preach the good news." So...I thought I'd found 'em with all the love-bombing going on from people at the KH I began attending when I got over my reluctance enough to go. (But what was it with that music??? It sounded like the theme songs from Soap Operas! LOL! ) No one looked at my hemline, everyone was seemingly friendly and open and treated me like I was one of them. I didn't realize back then they were just wanting to "rubberneck" the new (is she REALLY?) stripper cum bible study at the KH. Then much to my surprise and dismay, before I was even baptised, I learned about how gossip thrives in the KH's across the land. I drove by to pick up another bible study on my way to the KH and when she asked me what I thought about the sister I was studying with, I confided exactly what I thought of "Sister Anal-Retentive" with the personality of a pit viper whose only redeeming feature was that her charm exceeded her intelligence by a country mile. The next thing I knew, Sister A-R called me over to her apartment and held her very own JC meeting with just the two of us in attendance! So much for confiding in people. I turned her over to the elders, who said they'd "handle" it and they did, but I sure wasn't happy with the thought that perhaps the ugly side of the WTS was just beginning to raise its triangular shaped head and flick it's forked tongue.

    3. The night before my baptism, I had a dream. I dreamed that I went to pick up my new license plate and the one they handed me had "666" on it. Scarey! I told others about my dream, but they just pooh-poohed it as "just a dream." Yeah, right. When shortly after my baptism I actually went to pick up my new license plates and they DID indeed have "666" on 'em, I was freaked! (YES, they really, really did!) Everyone else in Oz told me that didn't matter. So I shrugged it off, again in favor of "la-la-la-la-la, you can live forever and life's a holiday on PRIMrose Lane." I have to admit here that the people in the KH I attended at first pre-1975 were mostly truly nice people that I sometimes think about, even if there was a lot of anal-retentiveness featured among them about dancing and such.

    4. I married the first elder that asked me thinking that "this is the truth...life's a holiday on Primrose Lane....it's all good here, idnit?" BIG mistake that one! Within 3 months, I made my temporary exodus and went back to the world to escape HELL! He would actually tell me to "pose" with him as though we were horsing around in a playful moment when someone would knock on our door!!!!

    5. After 5 years mostly happy in exile and one divorced elder later, I again reached a vulnerable time in my life and went back to the WTS in my own home town, which was different than the place where I first was introduced to WTS doctrines and practices. Thinking in the WTS had changed, but not for the good, I soon discovered. I heard people ridiculing the anointed (with the exception of the Gov. Haughty, of course) and make snide comments and snicker behind their backs all around me. There were all sorts of tales like the one where, early in the WTS history, a bunch of allegedly (to WTS members) anointed that weren't on the GB got together at one time and held their own meeting and they were all disfellowshipped for doing so. One young MS even made fun of me when he overheard me merely asking an elder a question about the anointed and the scriptures that referred to the anointing. pffftt!

    6. The gossip, the severe criticism of even their own alleged "brothers and sisters in the truth," the inter- and inner-congregational shunning of even people that were alleged to be weak or inactive or maybe even just POOR went on and on, from congregation to congregation and state to state, no matter where I moved. I've seen poor and decrepit old sisters left on the KH doorstep when FS meeting was over with no transportation for their outing in field service provided, as the various "cliques" scurried to their individual vehicles and squealed tires and threw gravel, hurring to leave before they were caught last and HAD no choice but to let 'em ride with them. Time and time again.

    7. Going toe-to-toe, head-to-head with the Gov. Haughty over their erroneous criteria of baptism qualifications. They grew increasingly haughty in their correspondence with me, soon disdaining all the pertinent and very valid scriptures cited by me in my letters to them, in favor of their own "take" on their WTS dogma and going on about their royal "bizness" of preaching the goo-ed mews, so that they really didn't have time to waste on something as puscilanimous as the truth they choose to ignore.

    8. The P.O. that delivered the "fatal" (in my eyes) disfellowshipping talk severely denigrating the young pioneer sister's behavior in front of everyone, while the young bro got a "slap on the hand." He's the same one that sent someone to "befriend" me and report back to him. Why did he do it? Because, my youngest son was wanting to get baptised and (head-up-my-butt that I still was), I was trying to help his cause. Also, the elders physically attempted to prevent me from contact with the circuit overseer when he visited, so I couldn't tell him what they'd been up to (the spying and all). (Yall should have seen the letter I wrote about THAT little picadillo!) They chased me around the KH trying to "cut me off at the pass" but I made the "touchdown" anyway. I wrote to the Gov. Haughty about THAT, too, and since they couldn't touch me because I'd gone over their heads, I recv'd from the podium during the next Circus Serpent's visit, a fierce little personal dig about engaging in nepotism for back up my son in his quest for baptism. (WTF!!!?!!! After all, God himself, according to their own teachings, backed up his own son's baptism, didn't he? Was that nepotism, too?)

    9. Another anointed sis phoned me one day, out of the blue, so to speak. I didn't know her, but she had been told about me by another local anointed sister and she wanted to meet me and was going to bring some other anointed sisters with her to the visit at my home, since I didn't have transpo at the time. I invited them to "Come on down!" thinking to myself, 'why not? I'm up for a little WTS butt-kickin'." We met. There were 5 of them that filed into my living room that day, all strangers to me. We spoke of our anointing experiences cautiously, but of nothing very intimately, nor against the WTS teachings and practices until I offered to share with them the copy of the letter I'd written to the Gov. Haughty, approx. 3 yrs earlier. ( It was a letter I'd written to the GB in regard to the BOE that was attempting to DF me because I'd committed the godawful sin of actually sharing with a few others some of the dream/visions I'd been experiencing before I left Texas for California. The BOE was not allowed to run itnerference and DF me, but I was told in so many words to "shut my mouf," at the time. I kept a copy of the letter I wrote.) In offering to let the other sisters read my letter, I used the words, "meet you face-to-face" from the 3 Johns that come before Revelation. One sister gasped and exclaimed, "That's it! I know I can really trust you and talk to you now! Those were the words that I prayed to Jehovah that you would use so that I would know that we can speak freely!" Yeah. We all had our heads up our butts back then. I don't know about the others that were there at the time, but since my exodus from the WTS, I remove mine occasionally now for a breath of fresh air. Eventually, during our visits before I made my big exit, we all agreed that the WTS heirarchy are LOSERS in so many words. You can read all about this visit and subsequent visits with those anointed sisters and all the surrounding adventures along with the rest of my eventual exodus from the WTS, if you click on the following hyperlink:

    http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/32/77580/1256751/post.ashx#1256751

    But just remember two things before you read it.....1. Books contain knowledge and are made of paper engraved with words(images) and paper is a product of trees, ergo, books are also "fruit" of trees. 2. I now know for certain that just because one finds a lot of manure spread around under a tree, it doesn't mean that one has been given a pony (horse) to ride.

    EDITED TO ADD: oooops! I just realized that this thread was intended for those raised in the truth, not interlopers, like myself. mea culpa

    Frannie Banannie, Queen of Franistan

  • SacrificialLoon
    SacrificialLoon

    Going out in service as a kid, excuse me, I mean youth , I remember one door we went to the person gave us a pamphlet, and tried to explain to us why Witnesses were wrong. We left, and in the car I asked something to the effect of "Since we have the truth why didn't you just prove him wrong?" I was brushed off with something about apostate material. That never sat well with me.

    Later, shortly after I was baptized I remember a person who became one of the anointed class. I had asked how he became one and they had said it was through prayer and guidance from the holy spirit, or something like that. That didn't answer my question, and it just led to more questions like how do they know when they had 144,000? Shouldn't there have already been 144,000 early Christians long ago? These questions begat more questions, and so on until I became disillusioned with the faith, and stopped going out in service then the meetings. For the longest time though I still didn't do a lot of "worldly" things.

  • BFD
    BFD

    The short and sweet of it is that I just couldn't believe god was going to kill everyone that was not a JW. I saw self rightousness and judgemental "brothers and sisters" all around me and I knew that I did not want to live for eterntiy with these people so I just started smokoing and I didn't hide it. I was 16 when I was disfellowshipped in 1976. Raised JW from the age of 5. It sucks beacuse I still smoke. UGH!

    BFD

  • Pioneer Spit...oh, i mean Spirit
    Pioneer Spit...oh, i mean Spirit

    Wow, all great comments, super topic. Darned apostates and their LOGIC!

    i was raised in the religion by wolves, the youngest of 5.

    At age 12 I wondered why we couldn't study science or medical books and be saved, why it had to be these particular books that would save our lives.

    From then on I had a secret I never told anyone except my husband and only a few years ago: The concept of God's eternalness was too much for my head, I couldn't stand it, I couldn't really believe it. I had to force myself to not go insane from it from me youth on up. I believed though what I heard, that if I had doubts they were my prob to pray and forget about until another time, but it never went away.

    As children of JWs we are taught to hate injustice, but tolerate it from mature friends and elders. Never could swallow that.

  • mcsemike
    mcsemike

    Frannie: I copied your post into a Word doc so I can analyze it later. It looks like you put much thought into it. My best to you.

  • Frannie Banannie
    Frannie Banannie
    Frannie: I copied your post into a Word doc so I can analyze it later. It looks like you put much thought into it. My best to you.

    LOL @ Mike! You may find that your eyes have bitten off more than an analytical mind can handle, chere.

  • crazyblondeb
    crazyblondeb
    The two witness rule regarding child abuse. I realized how insane, and how evil, it is to demand a child produce 2 eywitnesses to their abuse. Add to that the fact that the Society is deliberately obtuse about its application, i.e. does the 2 witnesses include the victim, do they have actually stand and watch the child being raped, etc. told me that the rule is there for the simple reason of keeping the problem quiet. Damn the kids, to hell with the impact of pedophilia, get out there and sell those stupid magazines

    I agree with Big Tex!! I left cause I knew it wasn't right that we were suppose to be the perfect jw family on the outside, but at home was so miserable. My stepdad, a MS, was molesting me for years. I knew I won't stay and be part of that crap.

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