Your opinion on my really important question, please.

by jambon1 48 Replies latest jw friends

  • trevor
    trevor

    Life at School

    As a schoolboy I lived a double life. In the evening I would go from door to door with my father or attend a meeting. Sometimes I would address an audience of one hundred or more adults from the platform. I would rub shoulders with men and women many times my age. They were kind and complimentary towards me, praising my comments or telling me what a fine “talk” I had given, being a lecture from the platform.

    This was my world! These were the people I was soon to live with in a paradise earth, when my school and teachers had been destroyed. In the morning I would return to school. My classmates knew nothing of my other life. My teachers would sometimes cane me for failing to do my homework. I accepted this as a necessary persecution I must bear in order to pre-study for and attend the meetings. It was a matter of priority.

    My day at school would begin with sitting alone in a classroom while the rest of the school attended assembly. I was forbidden to worship with them, so I would sit and pray or recall the events of the night before. I was not allowed to join the school orchestra or take part in the annual school play. I never belonged to a school sports team or took part in any team event that might mean spending a moment more than was absolutely necessary at my “worldly school.” Weekends away canoeing and camping were also taboo. To be a “boy scout” was totally banned.

    Children of the Witnesses are forbidden access to many of the self-esteem enhancing activities that are open to other children. They are brought up to believe that they are different and separate from the world. They do not fully integrate with their schoolmates or teachers, due to their resistance to being fully involved with the education process, and their training to avoid forming friendships with worldly people.

    More so than other children, their main security comes from winning the approval of their parents. They find that to win this approval they must do whatever the Society and their parents tell them will win Jehovah God’s approval. I was told, by my own parents that if I ever left the religion they would never talk to me again. If I were to ever marry outside the religion the same penalty would apply. Although these threats are not always carried out, the Witness child grows up believing that the continuation of their whole world depends upon gaining their parents approval.

    In addition to this pressure to conform, is the threat that God himself will kill the child, if he or she should go against their parent’s wishes. The child is also puzzled by the parent’s willingness to lose them in this way and often concludes that the parents do not love him or her. How can they threaten a child they love in this way, or say that the God they love may kill their child? As a child I concluded that I meant very little to my parents. Not all Witness parents act in this way. Those that do, say that they are practising a form of principled love for the child. Unfortunately children do not interpret threats of his kind as love. Nor as far as I know do most adults.

    Taken from the book -Opening the Door to Jehovah’s Witnesses - by Trevor Willis

  • bernadette
    bernadette

    Also children are taught to feel implicated in/responsible for their parents salvation. If a child is disobendient or 'bad' then the parents will be accountable to Jehovah and very likely to be destroyed at armageddon. A lot of pressure on children!

  • Lumptard
    Lumptard

    IMO: The most important thing is to give your children options....Make sure you get it into their heads that they are able to make decisions for themselves. Teach them how to think and that just because someone tells you that there is only one way to be, that doesn't neccesarily make it true.

    I don't beleive that a child who is raised a JW is damaged, so much as they (as a whole with a few exceptions) are acclimated to a different environment. It's like being raised in texas and moving to chicago. It'll be 35 degrees and people in chicago will be taking the trash out in a T-shirt,....the person who was raised in texas will be out there in a snowsuit...Same type of thing; if a kid who was raised a dub stays a dub, he will be normal in the environment that he is in...if he decides to exit the JWs, he will have to get acclimated and will appear "damaged" by people who weren't raised in the same environment.

    To avoid this culture shock, try to expose your children to as many different things as is possible. Also I deffinitely agree to not allow them to get baptized 'till 18...If they're not old enough to decide to die for their country, they shouldn't be allowed to decide to die for their god.

  • juni
    juni

    Hi Jambon,

    Sounds like you are a loving Dad who is very concerned w/your children and their emotional well being. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

    I raised 4 kids in the religion. They are all adults now w/their own families except for one who is in a committed relationship. My oldest son has been divorced twice, youngest son divorced, daughter still married, and other son just starting at age 35 to figure out things as far as relationships.

    We've had many conversations about their upbringing. It did affect all of them. They remember the good times we had as a family apart from the religion. And they appreciate the good that came out of living a "Brady Bunch" existence. I was home for them when they came home from school for example. BUT they also know that the dating rules and contact w/the opposite sex was so detrimental. Also, not being a part in school activities was not good; always felt singled out.

    I wouldn't suggest starting WW3 w/your JW wife, but you should show them balance by teaching them what is reasonable. I don't know what the age limit is in your state for allowing kids to make up their own minds as to religion, but I would look into that as when that day comes I feel they should be able to make their own choice.

    I wish I would've given my kids the choice and not have forced them to go to the Hall and into field service. They need to explore other faiths if they wish and make their own choice - do they have a need for having a formal religion or not. How do they want to fulfill their spiritual need.

    This is where you can help them. Just as you and your wife had the choice, they should also as individuals.

    I always have said that our kids would've been raised w/morals and love for others and their selves no matter if we were JWs. The JW religion always emphasizes that there is no other good way and apart from their org. people will become no goods in life. That is so untrue!!

    There is so much guilt HEAPED on everyone including kids. Kids are to act as little adults. Everyone is judging each others' spirituality by their works performed as dictated by the society. This is wrong and leads to deep emotional harm.

    I don't know if this is helpful for you. I wish you the very best. Please allow your kids to be kids w/a loving hand guiding them.

    Juni

  • tori
    tori

    Hey guys, my first post on this forum, so forgive any gaffes I may make.

    Here's my situation - divorced 2 years, kids ages 5, 7, &9. Their dad is now a Super JW, goes to all meetings, takes them out in service. At first I didn't know how to feel about it, and to be honest, I hadn't sorted out how I felt about the religion, the universe, etc. I let him take the lead (what a good JW girl, eh?). Then I realized that I have a moral imperative to teach my children what my morals and my views are. My dad was DF'd when I was 5, and had he tried to help me be undoctrinated, life may have been different for me. I'm the only chance my kids have to be normal human beings. I don't trash my ex, and I don't bash the Society - those tactics are the type that tend to backfire. When things come up, I usually sum up what I know they're being taught (they're always amazed that I know) then say I know that Dad teaches you that, but here's what I think. Then add that the cool thing about being human is the freedom to think whatever you want - this to the older one mainly, the middle one already has her mind made up, and the youngest is a little too young. I teach my kids to always ask why and to always question things (directly opposite of Society teachings) and I'm also trying to teach critical thinking skills. Thank goodness for a college education, I've just recently gained thinking skills I'm passing on to my kids.

    Example:

    We went to visit old friends that are now exJW too. Turned out to be the birthday for their son, and we went to the skating rink b-day party. Later, Bek (my oldest) said that maybe she shouldn't go to birthdays because Jehovah didn't like it. I said, "Well, I know what Dad tells you about birthdays. That Jehovah doesn't like them because there are two examples in the Bible of birthdays, and they were both bad, right?" Amazed, she says yes. "Okay Bek - when we were at Keaton's birthday - did anything bad happen?" "No." "Was there anything going on that could be called wrong?" "No." "Was it wrong to have fun skating and eat pizza and cupcakes?" "No." "Was it wrong to give Keaton gifts and make him feel special? You saw how happy he was." "No, that wasn't wrong." "Well, honey, you can see that there is nothing wrong with a birthday. All a birthday is is telling someone you care about that you're glad they're around for another year, and being happy that they were born and in your life, and celebrating one day out of the year to make them feel special. It's very simple - and very fun - and it feels good, doesn't it?" Since then the birthday thing hasn't bothered any of them at all. Same with Christmas and all the other holidays. I bring out the cult teaching, then show why those things aren't wrong. Why, in fact, they are good, warm, family traditions and part of the fun of being human.

  • nvrgnbk
    nvrgnbk

    Welcome Tori,

    Well done and welcome to JWD. I'm new here too. It sounds like you're doing a great job with the kids. They're lucky to have you looking out for them. Excellent point about the argumentative approach tending to backfire.

    Wishing you success in raising your family,

    Nvrgnbk

  • AuldSoul
    AuldSoul

    My parents were good and decent people with a strong stand on morality, which did no damage to me at all. Many religious families of all denominations and non-denominations have similar standards of morality, and it is without question that my parent's stand was not the stand of the ordinary JW family. They were even counseled by other JW parents on their overly strict nature.

    I have recovered from the intense burden of guilt that I carried for 32 of my 34 years of life, but that guilt was damaging.

    My father was very damaged by the doctrines of the organization. He raised me to accept that if I did well, it was what I should have done. I learned to equate self-satisfaction at a job well done to wrongful pride or hubris. This has damaged me immeasurably, but I am now in recovery from the damage.

    The doctrine of the religion was very damaging for me. I am now struggling to adopt a new approach to life that includes planning to care for my wife and myself in old age because I have believed for a very long time that I would probably never reach old age. I am trying to understand the various holidays and customary observances at a very late age (developmentally) and I appear stunted in these respects in the eyes of peers.

    Damage need not be beyond healing in order to be damage. I say, without any reservation, everyone exposed to JW-ism at a young age is damaged by the exposure.

    Respectfully,
    AuldSoul

  • misocup
    misocup
    Does a JW upbringing simply confuse a child or is it really damaging?

    Most definatley damaging. It took me 10 years to really understand about their horrible beliefs and the anger about wasted childehood and adult life without a career. (I was sure I'd see Armageddon in '75). Now I'm 47 and have grandchildren. I am just thankful I did not raise my own children in that mess. I am only now learning how to relate to 'worldly' people. I've spent much of my life wondering what 'normal' behavior is since the society dictated every action, and associate, I never learned to socialize properly.

  • sammielee24
    sammielee24

    More so than other children, their main security comes from winning the approval of their parents. They find that to win this approval they must do whatever the Society and their parents tell them will win Jehovah God’s approval. I was told, by my own parents that if I ever left the religion they would never talk to me again. If I were to ever marry outside the religion the same penalty would apply. Although these threats are not always carried out, the Witness child grows up believing that the continuation of their whole world depends upon gaining their parents approval.

    In addition to this pressure to conform, is the threat that God himself will kill the child, if he or she should go against their parent’s wishes. The child is also puzzled by the parent’s willingness to lose them in this way and often concludes that the parents do not love him or her. How can they threaten a child they love in this way, or say that the God they love may kill their child? As a child I concluded that I meant very little to my parents. Not all Witness parents act in this way. Those that do, say that they are practising a form of principled love for the child. Unfortunately children do not interpret threats of his kind as love. Nor as far as I know do most adults.

    I have to agree with the above points entirely.

    I was raised in the 'truth', and without a doubt it damages a child. The religion stripped me of far, far more than it ever gave me and my biggest regret in life (besides being raised as a JW), is that I did not know any better when I had my own children. As a result, I raised them in just as zealous an environment as I was raised in - taking pride in my kids 'witnessing' to other little ones by the time they were 4 years old; revelling in the absence of any worldly association in their lives, including their own cousins or other relatives - loving the fact that they were loyal to the Watchtower. All the while, I honestly believed that I was doing what was right for them. How pathetic. How sad. How tragic that they never had family holidays, they never went to high school or college, they never dated, they never stayed in their pj's late on a Saturday morning to watch cartoons. How very sad that in our lives as JW's, we honestly believe we love our children and our children love us. We hear 'I love you' often - even when we are being shunned to the extreme - until finally you realize that they are only words with no truth to them. Love is reserved for the Society. In reality, as long as you are in that JW family, there is no real familial love - because as a good witness, as a faithful Watchtower servant, you will cast off your family if told to do so. That is self preservation - not love.

    I had major abandonment issues that followed me long into adulthood. A child absorbs everything around him and he is taught to believe early on. His mother would never lie to him, so all the lies the Watchtower teaches, all the fear that it resonates with, is absorbed into the child. Fear of demons at every turn. Fear of being around worldly people or reading worldly books. As a 7 year old sitting in the Kingdom Hall, I was often gripped with an intense fear of being disfellowshipped. I didn't even know what the word really meant - all I knew was that the constant threat of being a dead person to my mother was terrifying. The threat of being alone, of being turned out into the world for something I might do wrong, was so overwhelming, so horrific, that I was a perfect child. I refused to go to my grandfathers funeral because it would be 'wrong'.

    Just a small sampling of the damage that is done to a child. My advice - make sure your kids don't get baptized but over and above that, make sure that you engage in normal activities for your kids. Try to give them a balance. Every other weekend perhaps let them miss a meeting to do kid stuff. Take them to the park. Feed the ducks. Take them to a movie. Don't let every conversation move into a book study - talk about whats going on in the world. Encourage them to make friends with their schoolmates and have little parties for them. Make them feel like they matter and in that way, perhaps they will be better prepared to deal with life and sort out the complexities of religion in a healthier way. Best of all, once your wife sees the kids so happy and well adjusted, it just might wear off on her. sam.

  • nvrgnbk
    nvrgnbk

    Hello AuldSoul,

    My father was very damaged by the doctrines of the organization. He raised me to accept that if I did well, it was what I should have done. I learned to equate self-satisfaction at a job well done to wrongful pride or hubris. This has damaged me immeasurably, but I am now in recovery from the damage.

    We're both from uptight PA and about the same age (within months) and were raised in much the same way. I don't ever recall hearing a"we're proud of you son". But if you give me a buck for every time I heard "You've done what you ought to good for nothing slave" I could buy everyone on here two rounds of the really good stuff.

    Permanently screwed up,

    Nvr

Share this

Google+
Pinterest
Reddit