by jambon1 48 Replies latest jw friends
nvr,
I live in PA now, but I grew up in Southwest Georgia. The rest of what you said applies completely, including the Scripture you got so frequently.
Is it possible that we are related ... probably only by our shared "spiritual heritage," eh?
Respectfully,
AuldSoul
auld,
Thanks for your kind reply. Now we share a "heritage" of a different kind,eh?
Love and respect,
Nvr
jambon,
If you and your wife live together, I think they should have a choice and not go to the meetings if they don't want to. Sometimes kids don't really want to go, but go because their parents get mad if they don't want to go. Do they ever just want to stay home with you when it's time to go to the meeting? You are their parent too so you should be able to have a say in how they're raised!
Welcome tori, good for you- showing balance in a difficult situation.
Post on- rock on.
I wanted to thank everyone for their thoughtful replies on this thread. This is an issue I am going to have to develop a strategy on, as well. I have 3 kids: a baby, a 5 year old, and an 8 year old. The 8-year-old is already commenting at meetings on her own (finds answers, develops own illustrations, helps sibling find answers).
On the other hand my wife is a fairly balanced JW (which means that she's a lousy JW). She let the kids participate in a Thanksgiving dinner at school because she couldn't find anything wrong with Thanksgiving. We rarely go in service on Saturday mornings. She lets the kids do the school play and so on.
So I have hope that even if she raises them JW, they'll be more balanced because of my influence and because my wife isn't a rabid hardcore dub.
We'll see.
Being raised by witnesses is a mixed blessing. On one side I learned quite a bit about world events, associated with older people that taught me values and life lessons. My childhood was very good and I had two parents that sometimes fought but mostly were good. No different from any normal family.
From reading some people's experiences with abuse or overbearing zealous parents I got off quite easy. The major issue was with guilt in my teen years that followed me deep into adulthood.
As a child I always did what I was told and would be good to make my parents happy. As a teenager I started becoming accountable for my actions and my view of the world started changing.
As soon as you are baptized you are treated like an adult without the time allowed to actually grow up. That put alot of stress on me and the guilt for not being able to live up to adult standards was painful.
You are never good enough, you can never do enough, you are weak, you are imperfect, you are undeserving of God's love, but he loves you anyways.
If you don't care, then these feelings just roll off your back. Many adult JW's are just putting on appearances, but to a young person actually striving to hit an impossible mark it was too much.
I do think every child and situation is different.
One of my most beloved human beings was a girl that was raised with mom in and dad out. Both of her brothers rebelled and stopped going as soon as they were old enough, teen years roughly, never to return to it. The daughter though stuck it out with mom, pioneering and the works, and left later as an adult. In, out or one foot in and one foot out she's always seemed pretty well-balanced to me. I admire her ability to treat people with love and respect no matter what system of beliefs they subscribe to.
Mental anguish considerations are a factor. I know someone that went through dissociative identity disorder (multiple personalities) due in part to experiences related to witness stuff. There were other key factors in this case however.
I think the greatest cost is the compounded ramifications of a life spent sitting on a chair at the kingdom hall getting smacked like pavlov's dog for every move you make or breathe you take instead of accumulating social skills and life experience relevant to the century we live in and the gifts and talents we possess. Unfortunately I'm speaking from experience on this one. But hey, what doesn't kill ya, makes ya stronger.
I think it would be totally valid to just do everything you can to shore up as much of a healthy "normal" life around them, so that they will have options. Don't leave it up to the JW religion to take care of any of that. They're only interest is self-perpetuation. Make it your job to provide other options (and accompanying reasoning ability).
Another MAJOR concern is that if you don't believe the religion, that social environment will work insidiously and without letup to drive a mental and emotional wedge between your daughters and You, the infamous "unbeliever" or "apostate". They will hear over and over again that whatever they may lose in this system (ie family members) they will gain ten of in the new system, like that makes it okay. In my opinion the message this sends is not a good one. In fact moreso than anything else I write in this post, I think this intrusion on parent-child or any other family relationship is the most heinous thing about the JWs. Let's also not forget that they are being trained at those meetings to consider ways to manipulate you into the org if at all possible. Don't leave it up to this (or any) religion or group (or even your wife) to do your work as a dad. ASSUME NOTHING. Don't assume they are teaching respect for you as a parent. With the JWs, there's always an insidious loophole.
You might be amazed to know what sorts of ridiculi can go on in these circumstances. Reading a book called Wolves Among Sheep (by James Kostelniuk) might shed some insight. I'm not sure, I haven't been able to read it yet as the two children killed (along with their mother at the hands of their JW step-father after being kept away from their exJW father), were my close friends as a child.
Another factor for your consideration is that JWs are a society known for shielding child molesters and various other sordid folk WITHOUT LETTING ANYONE KNOW OF SUCH PEOPLES BEHAVIOR PATTERNS WHEN IT BECOMES APPARENT. They, armed with their Grade School Educations and 1st Century "Law" Books, take it upon themselves to forgive or negate present day claims of victimization, compounding the damage to INNOCENT CHILDREN. It can be traumatic even as an adult to face two or three elders threatening you with expulsion for speaking truth, never mind what this does to a child.
Hey shit happens no matter what path we take in life, but I still think it behooves us to do our best to shore up our kids against at least the pitfalls we can see.
More importantly than which social circles you choose to swing in or let your kids swing in (people will be people), I'd say your biggest threat is the family divisiveness of this "organization". Start there. Build a healthy FAMILY around your children and don't let anyone or anything infiltrate. It is the way with nature. Keep advertising corporations in their place, no matter how appealing the crutch they're advertising. Keep the lines of communication open as a family and you'll do alright. Shore yourself up too, as you are doing, with input from other parents.
You seem like a good dad. Asking questions and taking an ACTIVE ROLE. Keep doing that, you'll do alright. :)
SPAZ
ps - I hope I don't sound overly doomsdayish. Kids are pretty resilient, as you probably well know from your own life experiences, whatever they may be. I'm just living out some of my own "issues" from having leaned so heavily on that organization for the first 3 decades of my life (along with some around me). Dad's may be a little less so (resilient), I'm not one and wasn't really around one on a daily basis for most of my life, so I can't be sure.
It is damaging due to the very negative outlook on life in the here and now. They supposedly preach "good news" but those raised in this religion retain strong guilt of not being able to be good enough or doing enough for a never ending chain of command. There are parents, elders, the society, and God. If you do right by one you may be disappointing another. An attitude of; it's all ending tomorrow, and the only investment in the future should be service hours, prevails.
Preservation of self, and personal talents are squelched. You exist to please the above listed hierarchy.
These things are strongly ingrained in to the phyche of many a child.
Yes, kids are resilient, depending on their emotional and genetic makeup,....... some do not do as well as others. Please do not count on your children's ability to over come a very dominating, guilt ridden upbringing despite your input......You must know at this point you are counted as a negative, wordly, satanic influence.
Take advantage of the "head of the house" rule so that they respect, and live by thier father's rule.... put a stop to all JW influene as soon as possible..
Allow them to join sports, holiday plays, art projects, and other extra curricular activities. Also let them know if they no longer wish to attend meetings, bible studies, etc., they have your complete backing.
How I wish I had held firm to my inner beliefs, while my sons were growing up. After I was out, the JW influence dominated many of my decisions with my children to their detriment.
r.
I was raised in the borg. My childhood was not a fun one at all. It consisted of school, meetings and service. My sibs and I really had no friends since we couldn't associate with outsiders and close friendships in the hall were totally frowned upon. It was very lonely. Today, as adults, none of us have close friends. What few friends I do have are kept at arm's length. I don't enjoy the holidays and ignore my birthday. I've never been able to just cut loose and have fun. I've been out of it for nearly half my life and still can't shake it all off. It crushes the spirit. It is extremely difficult, for a child, to be separate from the world. Give them choices...give them options... but don't take away their childhood.
Life is damaging to a childs mind and general wellbeing. I do think being a jw is particularly damaging verses one being raised in an optimum enviroment. In America many Children are raised by their tv sets to be consumers and buy various products. I dont know what is worse, being raised by a television or the watchtower society.
If I could choose I would prefer to be raised by 2 educated loving parents, who were smarter than socieity and understood the psychological games Madison avenue and the US government play on the citizens.
Many children are not brought up in ideal situations. Many children are the product of a bottle of Jack Daniiels and an evening at the local meat market. So I guess it's all relative.
