Ive been designing my oldests graduation invitation for the last couple of days. Noticing not for the first time, how handsome he has become. Everybody loves him. He gives me shit but that's his job I guess. I was sitting here watching a rented movie and making copies of the movie I took last night of his teams volleyball victory over one of the best teams in the county, to give to the coach, at his request....and at the credits of this fucking movie they started to play the song "You'll Never Walk Alone". One minute I was thinking isnt that ironic with me sitting here designing this thing for graduation and the next minute I fell out in hysterical tears at the realization that my son is graduating and leaving and....I just fucking freaked out. I lost it. I feel like I have let him down in so many ways. That I want a do over. That I want to spend more time with him...give him a better childhood...I don't know. I just feel so much like I failed him. I feel so desperate about that. That this family and my having been a witness which divided this family...failed him. That we havent taught him what a family and marriage should be. But he's is an amazing person in spite of all of my misgivings it seems. Or should I say despite what I perceive as failures. I don't want him to go. I don't WANT him to be big. I miss my little boy. But I love the man he has become. I'm just so sad that he will be going away. Maybe this is normal as a mom to be sad when her kids leave the nest I just didn't expect this depth of emotion about it you know? I'm blind sided. He introduced me to his new coach as being his biggest fan and supporter and I was so touched that he would acknowledge that and if he did it just to make me feel good he succeeded. And these days are fleeting so rapidly. All I can see is this movie in my head of watching him play ball for as long as he was able to stand and me watching him. I sat in the gym last night and closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the place, the feel of it, the smells of it. The fluorescent lights, the screaming, cheering crowd...the resonating sound of the ball being hit, slammed, and high fives and stuff by the kids after each point. I tried to "live in that moment" like the man who did my neices wedding ceremony told her to do...the best advice I ever heard given at a wedding. He sat and watched the video of the game last night..."Mom! Did you see me? Mom watch this replay of my ace! Mom are you coming to my game tomorrow? Mom...." How am I going to bear the silence when he isn't here? I know I have two more kids...it shouldn't affect me like this...so why is my heart breaking??? He doesn't hug me much any more. Its not cool I guess. But all I want to do is hold him and tell him I'm sorry if I let him down before he goes. I guess its my own expectations that I didn't fulfill. Did you feel this sad when your children graduated?
feeling very sad
by LovesDubs 18 Replies latest jw friends
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megsmomma
Om my goodness...You poor thing! I cannot imagine when the kids leave. Just know you did do the best you could, and he sounds like a great kid, so you really did a great job. Plus, it is not good bye for good. This next chapter in life is exciting for both of you.
Lots of hugs to you!
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Crumpet
He graduated - you must have done something right! And he's just not that age for hugs. However you should just go right on hugging him randomly, acknowledge that it embarrasses him if it does - in a humourous way and just remind him that you can't keep your hands off him because you love him. He'll be huggy once he realises its not unmanly and is actually one of THE best ways to get girls to adore him.
Hugs to you in the absence of his for now!
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AK - Jeff
Watershed moments, make us shed water, don't they?
My daughter is long out of the house. I am raising my grandson - I told Wifey just last nite that I did not know how I came to fall so madly in love with a 2 year old boy. If I live long enough, I may have to face that same feeling of him not wishing to hug grandpa anymore - but for right now it is the best feeling I can imagine. This big guy is about to cry as I type and think of it.
Just smile and love him, Mom.
Jeff
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avidbiblereader
Hello Loves Dubs,
It sounds as if you are having a little bit of withdraw before it happens, it is not easy watching the first leave and it may be that way when the last leaves. Having a memories is a great thing, being a parent who looks back on the past and where you could make changes, we all would do that if have a half a brain. The sad thing about raising kids is that it doesn't come with a maual at the hospital, we all make good and bad decisions that affect our kids. The very fact that he is still with you, a success and moving on as an ADULT, is a testimony of your success as a parent.
Funny thing happens when our kids begin to start flying on their own, they no longer are our kids in the sense they were even though in our mind they are. They grow a part from us for a little while as they want to experience their own life, they don't want us around, later as they start "growing up" thet begin to return and become your friends, many times my tow oldest who have moved out come over all the time just to hang out with us now. It is all a part of growing up as painful as it is. The roller coaster of emotions is nothing new and is completely normal. It is being a parent and no longer having the "protection" rule over your kids. You feel like you are losing control, you feel like you are losing your kid, it is just a natural part of life, the bigger worry would be if he didn't want to move on and become a man that his mother was proud of, that would be a bigger disappointment later.
As far as let him down, we all can look back and say this is where I would have made the changes, the fact that he has capabilites, has a desire to excel, you haven't let him down. Later in life he will thank you for all your support and qualities that you have given, you will reap what you have sown, which to me from where I am sitting sounds pretty good. Take a look at so many young ones who are doing nothing with their lives, even if the parent has done everything right, I am sure there are many parents out there who would love to trade your place with the goals of your child compared to theirs.
If you are looking for "perfection" from yourself no need to look any further and remember this point. Jehovah is and was a perfect Parent, he still lost 1/3 of his sons and they became the worst in the entire universe. He didn't fail but there are no garuatees, no need to beat yourself up over the natural process of growing into adulthood. You show me a person who has NO regrets and I will show you a liar. What your son has endured in life will only make him a survivor and stronger, can you imagine sending your child into the world, that is a dog eat dog world with a fairy tale life where everything went perfect for him???? If you did, he would be back on your doorstep and you would never get rid of him. Proverbs 29:21
NLT 21 A servant pampered from childhood
will become a rebelNIV If a man pampers his servant from youth,
he will bring grief in the end.NIRV If you spoil your servant while he is young,
he will bring you sorrow later on.KJV He that delicately bringeth up his servant from a child shall have him become his son at the length.
The thought of the scripture is pampering our kids does not help them later, you are going through wave of emotions that are completely normal, you have the right to them and it is life, sad but true, our kids were made as WE WERE to move out and live as independant people who will raise their kids to do the same, "this is why a man will LEAVE his mother and father" is what Christ taught, it is the way we are made. You haven't failed him, you have raised him and now it is time to fly, but not without mom wanting to make sure he doesn't hit the ground, you sound as normal as they get, raise your head high, you have done your job and it sounds as if it is better than many can lay claim to. Thank goodness for communication, even though he is away, he is only seconds away, Can you imagine in the past and even today where kids leave and many times they never see their parents again because they cannot or they are raised in a culture where they move in with their new husband and the parents never see their offspring again. Take a deep breath, it will all be ok, wishing you the best.
abr
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compound complex
Dear LovesDubs,
I am going through the same pain now, though I am not a mom. Wishing to do it over, making things better - it's not possible. But you will get positive feedback and acknowledgement that you did your best. I regret mostly the rigid and fanatical upbringing of our children; it wasn't Biblical, it was WT mind-control. But your showing continual, unconditional love will win the day. It's all spread out over years of time. A student, like an adoptive nephew to me, was so pleased to see me at his theatrical performance recently, that he walked up to me and hugged me. Boys go through stages - I know - and have decided not to expect them to always be demonstrative. Love has many manifestations.
Years have passed since graduations were part of our life, yet I still worry and fret and despair. I am trying to be more in control. Judith Viorst's NECESSARY LOSSES got me through the major hurdles of the losses we must all face - and subsequently live through - yes, LIVE THROUGH!Love and peace,
CoCo -
bebu
(((((Lovesdubs)))))
I can guess how you feel. My oldest son drives me crazy--but I love him so much I can't stand it. I sometimes feel hopeless! And I recall sitting next to him in the backseat, driving home from the hospital, and sobbing because I DID NOT WANT this sweet baby to grow up!! (Of course, many sleepless nights later I thought he should grow up enough to at least sleep through the night...)
But we have an international student living with us from S. Korea right now, and he is the most delightful 27-yr old I've ever met. Incredibly polite, sensitive, goes out of the way to be kind to my kids, etc. I wondered just what his parents did to get such a fine young man, and felt a bit embarassed by how wild my oldest is. He has observed several arguments since he's been here, and I felt that he must wonder why American culture has so many problems. Two months ago, all he could say to me was, "I know your heart, I know his heart."
Recently his English has finally come to a point where he could tell me that as a teenager he was utterly self-absorbed and took his parents for granted, arguing with them and shouting constantly, rebelling whenever he could. He has a tattoo on his back--which is something VERY looked down upon by Korean society! And had quite a few piercings at one point. He was a devotee of very heavy metal and played the part too, it seems.
But when he went to work in Korea, he found himself working 12 hour days, 6 days a week. He was utterly exhausted and felt trapped. He said (in broken English) that it finally hit him just what his father had sacrificed for him--hours without thanks. He regretted deeply all the pain he caused his dad, and did a 180-spin in his attitude. This revelation about his past really surprised me, and it intrigued my son. The upshot is this student is becoming like a big brother to him.
Also... I recall feeling very distant from my own mom for many years, even though we were friendly. It wasn't until I began to struggle with exhaustion in parenting 2 small children that it hit me (like it hit our student) that my mom had the very same hopes I had, and experienced even worse frustration than I did because she had 5 kids. Epiphany time!
Your son will have an epiphany about your love for him, I am sure. Smile, and look ahead. Enjoy the moment you are in--it will also be part of your sweet memories one day.
bebu
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choosing life
Sounds like you have a great son. Be proud and thankful. When your children grow up and leave, it can be very emotionally upsetting. But think back when you left your parents home. It is a necessary part of growing up.
My sons went through a short time of reduced hugs, but have come full circle now and always hug me when they see me. There is so much more to come for you and him to share in together. But allow yourself a time to grieve, as it is also necessary. Just the fact that you are sad shows you are a loving mother. It is the ones that are eager to shed their children that I wonder about.
You say that you have more children at home, so the work continues. Wait until the baby leaves. Then the house is devastatingly empty. But even that passes and you are on to grandchildren. More family to love!
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LovesDubs
You guys are amazing... I mean truly amazing. I'm calmer now. I needed the e-hugs :) Your wisdom is just what I needed to hear. I needed this reassurance. My kids already think I overreact to everything and take things too personally. My oldest said it has seemed like time stood still while he waited for his graduation day and I replied that the same time period to me was a blur that I desperately wanted to slow down.
Id love to hear more of your expressions. I might just print this out and show him some day. :)
love, Loves
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avidbiblereader
My oldest said it has seemed like time stood still while he waited for his graduation day and I replied that the same time period to me was a blur that I desperately wanted to slow down.
I am glad that you got your help from your friends, who knows by the time the last leaves, you may pushing him out the door, it is all a part of the process, our last is leaving in 25 days, I can't wait!
Jimmy Buffet put it best
"Time grows shorter not longer"
abr