What to do when your parents are toxic?

Paralipomenon

From reading people's stories and life experiences I thought I'd poll the members here for some advice.

My inlaws are extremely toxic. I know, every person says that about their inlaws, but the way they treat their family is absolutely horrible.

I love my wife very much, how she ever came out of such an environment just boggles me. Day in and day out she strives for her parents love and approval, but it just isn't there. And it will never be there.

About 6 years ago her mother sent her a letter that essentially said her my wife was a lazy, stupid slob and she regretted ever bringing her into the world.

I went ballistic. She is highly intelligent and a hard worker that looks after the house and our children, but suffers low self esteem because of comments like this from her mother.

When my wife went to work one Saturday I called up my mother-in-law and tore strips off her up one side and down the other. When my wife got home I told her about it and she hugged me and thanked me and said that nobody ever stood up for her.

We didn't talk to her parents for more then a year. Then out of the blue they call up and invite her to come over like nothing ever happened. She was desperate to go, and told me that she was going whether I liked it or not. That was kind of odd for me, because I'm not one to dictate what she can and can't do. The kids are a different issue. I didn't like the idea of them using their affection as a weapon and would protect my children from such an influence.

I told her that if she wanted to take the kids, the old matter needed to be resolved first. I called up her father and said that I wasn't prepared to let this become a pattern of behavior. Children don't understand why their grandparents aren't talking to them. He assured me that it was water under the bridge and he would personally ensure that it would never get to that point again.

So my wife "enjoyed" a very superficial relationship with her parents. She'd send them emails, keeping them updated with what the children are doing and took them down to visit once a year.

When we visit I notice a huge change in my wife. She loses her intelligent composed demeanor and runs around frantically waiting on her parents hand and foot.

She scrubbed their house down from top to bottom, did the grocery shopping, tended to their gardens, etc.

All this time our kids were bored out of their minds. They did go to the beach, but mostly my father-in-law put them to work in the backyard so he could kill two birds with one stone. Take some vacation time and get work done around the house.

I've told her that when she visits, I lose my wife and she becomes a little girl again. It may sound harsh, but it's true. She is so desperate for her parent's love that she keeps trying harder and harder to prove that she's a decent human being, but they just don't have the love to offer.

We are coming up on the summer time when she is supposed to go down to visit so I asked her about it and she told me that her parents weren't talking to her right now. Stunned I asked why and she shrugged and said she didn't know and frankly I believe her.

Talking with my mother last week she told me that she saw them at a meeting the last time she visited the area and started talking about their grandchildren. My mother-in-law looked at my mother coldly and said "we're not talking to the children right now". My mother told me this was in October of last year.

It just makes me want to scream. Now my wife didn't tell me about this because I think she's worried that I'll tell them off again and frankly I have a good mind to.

My family is far from perfect, but we are family. If my brothers and I get in an argument, we exchange heated words, say what's on our minds then take a few hours to cool off. Then we have a calm discussion about what bothering each other and that's it. When we forgive, it truly is forgotten.

My mother-in-law is still bringing up grudges she's been holding against my wife from when they were children.

I'm completely at a loss. I asked my mother if she was just talking to the mother-in-law and she said no, it was both of them. This is the man that I called up and expressly said that I would not tolerate this toxic behavior and he gave me his word he would never let it happen again. In fact the M.I.L went on to tell my mother why they weren't talking to their daughter but I won't mention it here. I'm hoping that if there's some good advice I can point my wife to this thread. I promised my mother that I wouldn't tell my wife their reasons, but it was so petty that my mother just said "That is no excuse to cut off your family" and stormed away.

I would love to just reach out and protect her, but now she's even hiding it from me and our relationship has no other secrets. How can I help her get the confidence to stand up for herself and tell her parents that this behavior isn't acceptable? How do you help someone that doesn't want to see the problem?

Lady Lee

Ever heard of the book Toxic Parents? I think she needs a copy and you both go through it together

A while back I did a couple of threads and compared Toxic Parents to Toxic Religion. Take a look and pull out what you need for the Toxic Parents and see how it meets some of the insanity you are going through. Then go out and get the book

Toxic Parents Toxic Religion 1 http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/59414/1.ashx

The first post is a quote from the book. The second post is a questionaire from the book and the third is how I see the same dynamics as it applies to the WTS

Toxic Parents Toxic Religion 2

http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/59448/1.ashx

The first post is another quote from the book which you both should find helpful

bikerchic

It seems you and your wife have tried everything aside from some therapy so your wife can understand it's okay to let go in fact it's very important for her mental health to let go of such hurtful people even if they are called parents.

It reminds me of the analogy of the patient telling the Doctor; "Doc when I do this _____ it hurts". Doc takes a look makes sure nothing is wrong and tell patient; "Stop doing that!"

If it hurts stop doing it!

Cut off all contact, change your phone number refuse mail from them and block them from your email addresses take whatever step you need to do to keep them away. Even an animal in the wild protects their family from intruders and harm. Aren't we a step above the animals? Yet we get sucked into the emotional aspects of wanting to please them when we know instinctively there is no pleasing them. There is nothing wrong with your wife, nothing wrong with you, your children, you are not the problem, they are.

The phrase TOXIC means poison, think of them as poison and just don't interact with them, period. I know it's easier said then done but you have each other to lean on which is a good thing. Be creative in ways of thinking of them as toxic, like calling them the toxic parents. It also helps to put a picture of them up with a big red circle and a line drawn through it or at least to think of them mentally that way if the picture is a bit over the top for you. Use your imagination......but help each other through it and think of all the good reasons you are doing it. Make a Mission statement and a list of positive statements to remind you of your mission.

This didn't happen over night and it won't go away over night, it takes work and diligence and the amount of work put into it depends directly on just how important it is for you to have them gone from your life.

Hope this helps and good luck!

IP_SEC

bikerwoman is right ya know...

bikerchic

bikerwoman is right ya know...

LOL, yeah I know been there done that and I have the crumby T-shirt to prove it!

brunnhilde

In a word, therapy.

Madame Quixote

What to do when your parents are toxic?

What to do when anything else is toxic? Stay away from it and keep your kids away from it, especially if the toxins are cyclic and unpredictable . . . works for me . . . I don't know if it will work for you, especially if your wife is trying to convince herself that they are not toxic . . .

Lady Lee

You know it is so easy for people to say "Just stay away" It is a lot harder to do.

As children our lives depended on these adults to care for us. It isn't unusual for children to start caring for their parents in the hopes that everything will be OK.

The hope is "If I care for you then you will care for me"

The problem is that the toxic parent never cares for the child. So the adult-child keeps trying to make everything OK.

They can't. They can't make it OK for the parents and they can't get the parents to make it OK for them. The adult-child has to leave and stop trying to make it OK for others.

The reality is that they no longer need the parents to make things OK. During that childhood they learned all the skills to care for others. Now it is time to use those skills to care for themselves. And they need to give themselves permission to stop all the caretaking of others and start caring for themselves.

A lot easier to say than do. But the first step is to identify the problem and take it from there

loosie

I have a toxic mother. One day I got the book "toxic parents" and left it laying on the coffee table.

Oh mother about hit the roof.

We don't speak to my mother. The way I figure it is that my children deserve better than to be put thru what I was put thru.

garybuss

People who respect me and my family are welcome up close. People who disrespect me and my family are required to disrespect us from a distance . . . 100 miles has worked out very well.

What to do when your parents are toxic?

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