by Paralipomenon 44 Replies latest social family
I told her that she can go if she likes, but the kids won't be going. They'll need to prove to me that they can handle a relationship with their daughter before I'll let them have any further influence on our children.
BINGO
The kids do not need to be witnesses to how the grandparents treat their mother.
. . . she can go if she likes, but the kids won't be going. They'll need to prove to me that they can handle a relationship with their daughter before I'll let them have any further influence on our children.
Good for you, para!
Loosie, this is a very important point, and it is one that I wish I had truly come to terms with much sooner than I did, in regard to my own child's contact with my toxic parents:
. . . . my children deserve better than to be put thru what I was put thru.
If nothing else will help one to come to terms with letting go of the need to please toxic parents, perhaps that thought will.
Do your children deserve better than what you had? If the grandparents are toxic, the kids will not be treated any better in the long run than you have been, although in the shortrun it may seem okay; it's not.
I think everyone's advice here is really good - esp. therapy. It can help you see your own behavior through other eyes, and you can see how sick it is to keep trying to please someone who can't be pleased. I used to be much more of a people pleaser, it is very hard to overcome. But it helps if I keep repeating to myself, "some of these people need to please ME." Toxic people can actually have a bad effect on your immune system - and it can damage your kids emotionally because it is hard to fool kids. They know when something stinks. If they see their mother dealing with it by caving in, it won't help them develop their own self-esteem. For the sake of your children's future, your wife should show them that she demands respect and won't associate with people who don't respect her, even if they are her parents.
I wish I knew what to do. I have read the book Toxic Parents and I have been trying to move out of my parents. I am 45 an got out as soon as I was 18 then I had a bad accident and had to move from out west back east and live with my parents for brain surgery. I am having a hell of a time getting out they abuse me even harder because they know I have epilepsy and part of my brain is missing. No other of their children come around or communicate. They are all healthy and won't even help me to get out. What do I do They are killing me. The doctors say I need to get out but how do people with no income and my disability manage to get out away from these toxic people. They think because they go to a catholic church every Sunday they are perfect. what a pile of crap. Help me. The book is good but it doe not tell people how to get out of their situations.
Paula,
I am so sorry you are going through all of this.
May I ask, what have you tried so far?
Have you told your parents what is acceptable and not acceptable behavior?
You are an adult, you have every right to demand to be treated with respect.
You have to be firm with them.
If they start verbally abusing you, put your hand up, and state with a strong voice,
''STOP. I will not allow you to speak to me unless you can be respectful.''
If they continue, and if you are physically able, can you remove yourself from their vicinity?
If they follow you, you must tell them that if they can have an adult conversation with you, then they can speak to you,
but if they are only going to abuse you , you are not going to tolerate even one more second of it!
Have you tried calling a friend or another family member to come there and stand up for you if you cannot stand up for yourself?
Paula, what eclipse said is right on, but I know it's easier said than done.
Since you have a disability, are you getting benefits, SSI or state assistance? With that, you should be eligible for a low-income housing subsidy and live on your own.
Try to focus on what you can do rather than what you can't. Talk to a social worker, a therapist and any other professional who might be able to get you the help you need. Send me a pm if you need to talk.
Regards,
SandraC
I hate my mother.
Bobbi
Gill - I know!! re the whole unquestioning obedience thing... my parents were of the mind that "jehovah says you have to obey your parents. or you'll die." "we know best"...etc.
Mummy who knows best succeeded in raising a grand total of 4 slightly/majorly messed up kids, one who has broken all contact (still jw, but really really creepy and kind of cult like), one who moved overseas (international servant blah blah, built kh's, is an elder, blah), one who 'went off the rails' and is slowly coming back to the 'truth', and one who's fed up with the crap and is leaving (me).
Although the reason is different, I had to "break up" with my own father...as did my sister have to. He married a woman in 1979 whom he had been having an affair with for 10 years prior to that and it destroyed our mother. And my father is so pussy whipped that he lets this pitbull he is married to totally berate and criticize and put down HIS kids while holding her own four in high esteem. Well...it got to the point where my sister and I on separate occasions both in the crosshairs of the pitbull...pulled the plug on our relationship with our father because SHE stands firmly between he and us, and he allows it.
My mother in law is shunned by my husband. His sister also shuns her and keeps her five kids from seeing their own grandmother because she is DAd. And I believe that now that I have moved out, my husband will now shun me as well, though he claims he wont. I see it coming.
You have to do what you need to do to survive and to keep what modicum of joy you have and not allow ANYONE to take it fromm you. Even relatives. Life is too short and its THEM that have the problem and THEM that have the burden. Thank you for coming to your wifes defense...my husband didnt defend me at all when his own father ripped me apart over a Christmas card this year...in fact in order to save favor with his a$$hole father, he AGREED with the man. It was then that I decided it was time for me to leave.
And I did.
hugs, LD
I would love to just reach out and protect her, but now she's even hiding it from me and our relationship has no other secrets.
I think this tells you that, for good or bad, she cannot, as hurtful as they are, ignore them completely. She knows how you feel, so doesn't want to discuss it with you further. Please don't push, because then she will feel even more in the middle. Some things just can't be resolved so easily.
I had a difficult relationship with my parents, but did what I could-yes, even though I felt like a groveling child sometimes when with them. They are both dead now.
Wish things were better, and it is wonderful that you want to stand up to them for your wife, but she is afraid of losing them completely. You are in a hard place, too. Just be a good listener......
