I NEED YOUR ADVICE...! How to tell JW mom I'm going to live with my sweetie

Kudra

I need to know how to do this.

My sweetie and I will be visiting my parents in a couple of weeks. They know all about how much in love we are and JW mom always asks about him, how he's doing, when we first started dating she asked all about what I liked about him, how he treats me, if he's easygoing and I can have a laugh with him etc...

So she is happy about us. She also knows that I go and visit him and stay at his house and he comes to visit me and stays at my house (these are ~week-long stays, as we live in different states). She never says anything disparaging about these situations.

The problem is this. At this visit, my sweetie will ask my dad for his blessing (permission don't sound right...) and approval for my sweetie asking me to marry him (!!!) Very sweet : )

Well, in August he will be moving to my town and we will living at my house together. (So fun, I am quite excited!)

We want to be truthful with my parents (he told his parents and they were ok with it, they are sort of fundy-megachurch Christians) but don't want to ruin the nice trip that we are ALL looking forward to in a few weeks.

They will of course ask about his plans for the next year (he needs to finish his degree, and is coming back to school in August...) and it would be weird to lie about that. We'd totally have to MAKE UP a story.

So, should we tell the truth and potentially make a weird and uncomfortable situation for my mom (I guess my dad would be affected by proxy...) or just have a lovely time visiting them and tell them later in the summer.

If I was going to tell them I'd do it in the next few days or so so my mom could sort of "digest" it all before we got there. We'd never tell them while we were there.

Also, I am a fader with friends in my hometown that we are visiting. I hope to go out with 2 of my close dub friends and my sweetie while I am there. For drinks and dancing, so maybe they'd be all mellowed out by some alcohol and not be weird about it... sigh.

PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR PERSPECTIVE ON THIS!!!!!!!

-Kudra

SixofNine

Hey Kudra, congrats!

Sounds to me like it's almost a non-issue; mom knows you stay together. If she can deal, she can deal. Let her deal. I think I'd avoid the specifics of the living arrangement until later, but it sounds to me that if it comes out, it won't be that big of an issue.

I'm glad that she can be happy for your relationship so far; that's cool.

Nosferatu

It's easy! Just say this: "Hi mom, I'm pregnant!"

In all seriousness, I don't see why anybody would need a parent's permission or "blessing" for marrying their offspring unless they're under age. Just do what you're gonna do (you're an adult now, correct?" Also, how would you ask permission to marry if your parents were dead?

It just doesn't make any sense to me.

Kudra

Thanks, 6of9!

We're doing pretty well! It's nice to be with someone as great as this guy...

And, yes, my mom is ok with our trips (well she is probably not ok but is positive about them, telling us to have a nice time and all) so maybe it would be the same with this new development...

Nosferatu,

Well, I am very close with my JW-mom and non-JW dad, whenever I go there, we all get along together, love going out for meals, drink, and other outings. We always have so much fun. The only thing that can make my mom feel uneasy is when I express something that shows my disagreement with the WT. I have such a great time with the fam, and the WTS never really comes up at all, that it is not even worth it to me to make a stink about things. Sometime my mom and I "get serious" and talk about the dubs, and she doesn't totally freak out, but I can tell it makes her feel pretty down.

This is why I don't want to spoil the long weekend we will be spending with them if knowing that we will be living together will cause her tons of unease. Her and our happiness is worth more than that...

And for the "asking permission"- well of course we don't need to do that- we are both in our thirties and have lives of our own. But we though it is a nice traditional and respectful thing to do. They have never met my sweetie and we don't want to just show up and say "HEY. We're engaged." I think asking the father first is a kind of romantic notion.

Also- about "what if my parents were dead"? Huh? Yeah, of course, if we don't "have to" ask anyone (as we don't "have to" now) it wouldn't really matter if they were not there to ask... -odd question.
You seem a little bit angry about my request, Nosferatu...

LeslieV

First congrats on your wedding. He sounds like a very nice person. As a mom with three daughters, I can assure you your mom will be more interested in his concern for you, then your living arrangements. You are no longer a child, so mom might be a tad disappointed, but come on she knows you are a woman. Let her know that you love him, he is good to you...and obviously has great respect for parents since he is asking for your hand in marriage. I find it quiet honorable of him. As a mom that is what we want for our daughters, someone that treats our girls with dignity and respect, and loves them like we do. Your mom will be fine, and you have a wonderful life.

Leslie

SixofNine

Also- about "what if my parents were dead"? Huh? Yeah, of course, if we don't "have to" ask anyone (as we don't "have to" now) it wouldn't really matter if they were not there to ask... -odd question. You seem a little bit angry about my request, Nosferatu...

Chill Kudra; I think he was only suggesting one avenue to solve your dilema, namely that you could kill your parents. That's teh trouble with this medium, you can't see facial expressions or hand signs going across the neck.

:runs:

hey, you comin' to Texas?

Kudra

...sheesh...

too bad you can't see my sheepish expression...

Sorry Nos.

Hmm.

I really want to go to TX! I am actually going on this little trip to my parents the weekend before...

What day is the big 'fest? Maybe I can fly out on a cheepo ticket for that one day. I am going to be super swamped with teaching a summerschool class that is starting May 14- the week before is MAJOR prep time but If I can find a ticket under $200 I'll go for the big day...!

I'd drive but it is like 1000 miles away.

bluebell

I think that as your mom is ok with your week long visits, then she will be ok with you living together and then getting married.

I knew (as you probably know) that my mom was going to be a bit upset when I moved in before i got married BUT i also knew what our relationship was like and that, more than anything, she wants me to be happy.

I think thats its a nice thought for your hubby to be to speak to your dad. sometimes being a bit old fashioned is a nice touch and means more to the parents than it does to us.

mind u, my dad didn't get asked, he didnt deserve it, wish i had a close relationship with ALL my family but unfortunately he ruined any chance of that when i was 11.

Nosferatu

You seem a little bit angry about my request, Nosferatu...

I'm not angry about it, I'm just confused as to why these traditions are carried on.

But I'm glad to hear that you get along well with your family despite the JW thing. I only wish I could say the same for myself. Perhaps it's just me being fed up with the control my parents try to put upon me.

Oh yeah, congrats!

Hmm. I am feeling a little less apprehensive about telling them...

Hey, you've got nothing to be worried about. Me and my dad quit talking for 1 1/2 years after I moved in with my first girlfriend. Him getting printouts of my bank account was only part of the problem there. Apparently I moved out "the wrong way". He also keeps dangling my non-existant inheritance above my head. Hell, if it were up to him, I would have never moved out.

LOL @ SixofNine! Killing my parents would have been easier for my situation :)

blondie

Appearance is important to JWs, what other JWs might see and know.

I get the impression that while your mother knows about your staying with your BF and his staying with you that you do not live in the same area as your mother. That no JWs in her area know about your arrangements and there is little chance they will. But if you move into her neighborhood, it is more likely that the JWs in her congregation may find out that you are living with your BF. Your mother might feel differently then and may be pressured by the local JWs.

Would the JWs in her area take it upon themselves to "investigate" your situation and try to DF you?

Like I said, appearances are more important to some JWs.

Blondie

I NEED YOUR ADVICE...! How to tell JW mom I'm going to live with my sweetie

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