Lost my father in law

by Crooked Lumpy Vessel 13 Replies latest jw friends

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  Crooked Lumpy Vessel

  He passed away on Sunday. He discovered and had removed melanoma from his back in December. All seemed well and it was diagnosed that they had removed it successfully. Then in March he was told that it was in his liver. He was getting ready for chemo and was on some medication in preparation for his treatment and then on Sunday he died. It all happended so fast.

  My husband was trembling and saying things like "I'm not ready". It just broke my heart. He was such a wonderful grandfather too.

  My 20 years of JW training tells me that he his just going to his grave. But I see my husband trying to grasp at a hope that his father will try to reach him in spirit. Since we are both ex-JWs I dont know what to believe anymore.

  I am a strong person and can manage my grief pretty well. But I dont know how to comfort my husband during this difficult time. Of course I am making things as easy as possible for him by taking care of all the family/domestic responsibilities, but I dont want to assist his into a slump or depression.

  Any suggestions on how to help him move through this difficult time onto a postive and healthy place without overwhelming my own mental health?

  Thanks for letting me post.
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  crazyblondeb

  I'm very sorry for your loss.

  Everyone handles grief differently. Just be there for your husband.

  Personally, I believe in the spirit world....In many years of nursing, and personally, I have seen way too much.

  Let him latch on to whatever makes him feel better.

  shell
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  Scully

  Spring is coming.... maybe suggest to your husband to plant a tree in your yard in his father's memory. In memory of each of my grandparents and in-laws, I planted a rose bush in my garden. It's a nice corner of my garden... this year I want to plant some wildflowers there too, to attract hummingbirds and butterflies, and maybe put in a nice little stone bench where I can sit quietly and read or write.
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  anewme

  Dear Crooked, very sorry for your family's loss. You said you were holding up well and taking care of the chores related to the house and funeral needs. That is so helpful. It was suggested you allow your husband to explore his own grief and find solace his own way without criticism. I think that would be very kind. Like all of us do, post borg, he is scrambling to find some kind of satisfying answer. He will find one that's right for him. Grief is a process and it's different for each person.
  
  Condolences to you entire family,
  
  
  Anewme
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  Bumble Bee

  Hugs to you and your husband.

  Each person has to experience grief in their own way. And it takes time - lots of time. He might seem better for a while, then something will trigger the grief again.

  In my experience (I lost my father about 4 years ago), you have to just let the feelings come. Let him know that he doesn't have to suffer his grief alone. Let him feel comfortable to share his grief with you and your family. He needs to deal with each emotion as it comes. Sometimes it'll be sad things, sometimes it'll be happy memories, stories, experiences that he will want to share. Encourage him to talk about his father - alot of times we think it will be painful, and at times it will be, but that's how we keep the person alive in our hearts, remembering, sharing their life with our loved ones. Your children will appreciate hearing stories about their grandfather, things they maybe didn't know before, so he will still feel apart of their lives as well.

  There will be times that he just wants to be alone, and that's not necessarily a bad thing, just keep an eye out for depression, make sure he's not seperating himself from the rest of the family too much. (I did this, so I know how easy it is to do.)

  My 20 years of JW training tells me that he his just going to his grave. But I see my husband trying to grasp at a hope that his father will try to reach him in spirit. Since we are both ex-JWs I dont know what to believe anymore.

  I don't believe anymore what I was taught as a JW about death. From what I've seen and experienced with my father, and from what other people have told me being with a loved one at their death - it's not just the grave a person goes to. And I don't think as humans we can really grasp the concept of what is next. But I am certain there is a "next" for lack of a better word/term. Just don't let your husband get too caught up in looking for "signs", because when you look for them they aren't there - it's when you're not looking that some things finally make sense.

  It's hard to know what to do for a person when they are going through something like this - but I've found just asking "what can I do for you, how can I help you through this?" really does work. Ask him what he needs from you to help him through this (and don't just accept the easy answer of "nothing" or "I'm ok", but really get him to tell you).

  BB
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  journey-on

  I'm so sorry for you and your hubby. I lost my mother, father, and brother within a 4-year span and the grief was overwhelming at times. I kept remembering something my mother used to say all the time when something got me down: "This, too, shall pass."

  She also used to say that "death is just a part of life" and you go on. You get up, you breathe, you cry, you pray, you work, you love, then you do it again the next day. I don't know you, but my heart goes out to you. You will get through it.
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  Brother Apostate

  My condolences.
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  evita

  So sorry to hear of your loss. My mother died 2 years ago, also rather quickly. The shock and grief was so intense. I cried every day for at least a year; my family was very patient and understanding. I talked about my mom constantly and accomplished very little.
  I think bumblebee and journey-on had words of wisdom. You just get through it one day at a time. It helps to eat healthy food, and go for walks. I was in such a fog that I didn't pay attention to my health and gained 20 pounds. Give yourself and your husband permission to grieve for as long as it takes. Try to remember that in time the grief will not be as raw. You will still feel it but it won't be so debilitating.
  My thoughts are with you and your family.
  Eva
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  xjwms

  So sorry for you

  my condolences
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  Es

  Many many condolences to you and your husband and family

  es