gay sister? Need input

divejunkie

I haven't posted here in ages. But I have this huge question mark in my head and this is the perfect place to get some feedback without compromising my sister. My sister is an active JW. She is the most loving, sweet, generous person I've ever met. She is single and in her late 30's. I love her to pieces and there is nothing she could say or do that would make me feel otherwise. I also think she is gay and very much in the closet. She has her best friend - whom we know and been friends with for at least 20 years. She is also in her 30's and single and also a JW. I believe that their friendship is really a lesbian relationship. The fact that they're both in their 30's and single is not the reason why I think what I think. But all along their friendship they have had a very unique dinamic between them - one that looks and feels like a couple as opposed to best friends. I won't go into the details of it, but you gotta trust me on this. The reason why I'm bringing this up is because I also feel that she is truly unhappy. The kind of unhappyness that comes when you are living a lie and not being true to yourself. I think many of us here-gay or straight- can relate to what I'm saying. She is the kind of person that will never purposefully do anything to upset anyone. Especially our parents. I think that between the pressure of the borg and the fear of upseting and being rejected by our JW parents and brother she has sentenced herself to living in the closet and not fulfilling her own dreams or desires. I think they both have. I would love for her to be comfortable enough with me to open her heart and tell me what is really going on with her life. That way she could know that I love her and accept her in any way she is and she (they)won't be judged or shunned by us if they are indeed gay. We have spoken about her emotional state and she "claims" to be in love with an impossible - because the "guy" is not a JW and that is why she has resigned herself not to have him - you know, the whole "marry only in the lord" thing. Coincidentally, her best friend also has the same situation, and guess with whom? The "guy's" brother. Now these two "guys" have no names and nobody knows who they are. Not even their worldy friends and coworkers. Needless to say, I don't buy one bit. Here is my question to you: How can I get her to tell me the truth without insulting her. I'm not trying to "out" her to the world. I just want her to know that, at least with us, she can be herself and I will accept her and love her and support her the same as always. I want her to confide in me, so I can help her deal with her sadness. Please give me some ideas.

divejunkie

Sorry about the double post. I was trying to put breaks in the paragraphs to make it easier to read.

Don't know what I'm doing wrong.

Here is the message again with breaks (hopefully)

I haven't posted here in ages. But I have this huge question mark in my head and this is the perfect place to get some feedback without compromising my sister.

My sister is an active JW. She is the most loving, sweet, generous person I've ever met. She is single and in her late 30's. I love her to pieces and there is nothing she could say or do that would make me feel otherwise.

I also think she is gay and very much in the closet. She has her best friend - whom we know and been friends with for at least 20 years. She is also in her 30's and single and also a JW. I believe that their friendship is really a lesbian relationship. The fact that they're both in their 30's and single is not the reason why I think what I think. But all along their friendship they have had a very unique dinamic between them - one that looks and feels like a couple as opposed to best friends. I won't go into the details of it, but you gotta trust me on this.

The reason why I'm bringing this up is because I also feel that she is truly unhappy. The kind of unhappyness that comes when you are living a lie and not being true to yourself. I think many of us here-gay or straight- can relate to what I'm saying. She is the kind of person that will never purposefully do anything to upset anyone. Especially our parents. I think that between the pressure of the borg and the fear of upseting and being rejected by our JW parents and brother she has sentenced herself to living in the closet and not fulfilling her own dreams or desires. I think they both have.

I would love for her to be comfortable enough with me to open her heart and tell me what is really going on with her life. That way she could know that I love her and accept her in any way she is and she (they)won't be judged or shunned by us if they are indeed gay.

We have spoken about her emotional state and she "claims" to be in love with an impossible - because the "guy" is not a JW and that is why she has resigned herself not to have him - you know, the whole "marry only in the lord" thing. Coincidentally, her best friend also has the same situation, and guess with whom? The "guy's" brother. Now these two "guys" have no names and nobody knows who they are. Not even their worldy friends and coworkers. Needless to say, I don't buy one bit.

Here is my question to you: How can I get her to tell me the truth without insulting her. I'm not trying to "out" her to the world. I just want her to know that, at least with us, she can be herself and I will accept her and love her and support her the same as always. I want her to confide in me, so I can help her deal with her sadness. Please give me some ideas.

IP_SEC

My first question is... and no offense intended but... are you a JW living the lie too?

divejunkie

No. I faded out and been out for about 8 years now.

IP_SEC

Then just ask her what you want to ask her. She is your sister. We all waste too much time with pretense and what not.

Hortensia

I would say mind your own business. If she wanted to tell you, she would, especially since you have faded and clearly wouldn't out her to the congregation. She doesn't owe you an explanation, and it's none of your business. Pressuring her to tell you something that you guess but aren't sure about could just drive a wedge into your relationship.

MegaDude

She'll tell you when she's ready. Really, what's in it for her? She has to consider her partner's situation too. Maybe neither are ready to handle being expelled from the JWs and all the loss of relationships that entails. Is she really ready to face all that? Is she strong enough? Is her partner strong enough?

Make a positive statement about gays in an offhand way. What I mean is, like mention a gay person you know and say positive things about them. Only do this once. Otherwise she'll notice. If she's really a closet lesbian she won't forget what you said. It will stay with her. And some time from now it might be the key that turns the door to her sharing this with you. Until then be as loving and kind to her as always.

How does she feel about talking about your beliefs that the Watchtower is not the truth? Or do you avoid that to protect your status and have stayed in the ex-JW closet? ;)

journey-on

The reason why I'm bringing this up is because I also feel that she is truly unhappy. The kind of unhappyness that comes when you are living a lie and not being true to yourself.

I understand from the above statement that her unhappiness is your motive for wanting to bring things out in the open. I get that totally. We don't like to see our loved one suffer unhappiness. Maybe you could just tell her point blank that you will always love her no matter what and there is nothing that would prevent you from being there for her always. Maybe bring up the fact that you, being so close to her, have detected some underlying unhappiness and if she wants to talk about anything at all, you are there.

God, how I hate how this org puts a wedge between family members.

Inquisitor

Go with what you have. Would you say that mention of this fictional(?) non-JW is already her way of communicating her frustration? She is trying to open up, but on her terms?

If you merely want to ease her pain, then just play along. You can't make her tell you more than she already has.

And even if she does tell you more, what could you possibly tell her that you haven't already?

If she outs herself, are you going to persuade her that the Biblical condemnation of homosexuality is mistaken? Is she ready for that? Is that something that must be urgently tackled for her to feel any better?

IMHO she will appreciate your continued emotional support.

INQ

Crumpet

How do you know that it is a sexual relationship though? It could be a platonic friendship. They may never even have thought that their love oversteps the intensely sisterly... You dont meet any gays at all as dubs. I didnt even know they existed - I just thought I was some freak.

gay sister? Need input

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