From the word of his almighty Flying Speghetti Monster
The Gospel of John the Pastafarian
1. Hark, as I speak the words of which I proclaim to be truth,
2. That blessed be me whom His holy visage did come upon me,
3. And spoke unto to me as I ate of His body in holy worship;
4. “Yea shall be the tenets that I shall proclaim.” In a voice of no voice he spoke.
5. In the purest of words, he said unto me:
6. “Eat not of the Semolina, in it’s unfinished state,
7. For only when added with water, can it be considered complete.
8. For in life, as in pasta, there is need for balance and companionship.
9. And every ingredient has its own specific role.
10. And when choosing your sauce, choose of your heart,
11. For even in the simplest of forms, the sauce only compliments.
12. Whether it be meat, or cheese, or oil of the olive,
13. All such are equal, and equal they shall remain.
14. Spare you the meat balls, to only but a few,” and to this I beseeched:
15. “Truely, your Noodliness, I am but a humble servant, though I must confess
16. I cannot restrict myself this pleasure, for I do admit
17. I am in love with my meat, and I am in love with my balls.”
18. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster touched me with his noodly appendage
19. And said unto me “Surely my son, I do understand,
20. But what if you fill of the meat and the balls? Then you will not have tasted
21. The gloriousness of the pasta which has been presented unto you.”
22. And I humbled myself, and listened to his truth,
23. For in life, as in pasta, there is need for balance and companionship.
24. And every ingredient has its own specific role.
25. And the Flying Spaghetti Monster did speak unto me:
26. “Take not the garlic on into excess,
27. For it is a privilege and not yours by right.
28. If thou heedeth not this warning, then let thy body be plagued,
29. Until the end of the night, with gas and bloating and breath that is foul.
30. And take not the parmesano on into excess,
31. For it is a privilege and not yours by right.
32. If thou heedeth not this warning, then let thy body be plagued,
33. Until the end of the night, with gas and bloating and breath that is foul.
34. Heed of these warnings, as you eat of My Body,
35. And proclaim them to thy world around,
36. That what is spoken is truth, and through this truth is happiness
37. For through these words you’ll keep friendship, and through friendship good nights.”
But what does the Invisble Pink Unicorn have to say Chapter One1 If thou were to behold me thou wouldst surely die sayest the invisible Pink Unicorn for thou canst not see both my pinkness for it is invisible2 then came one Bob of the Burger King, devout and of repute before the law the son of Ed, the TV repairman, son of Anderson the town drunk, son of Michael the shoeman. 3 On this day Bob tempted her Excellency by attempting to view Her Pinkness' pinkness 4 Her Excellence was moved with anger how darest thou oh Man to view my pinkness I shall smite thee with bad spam 5 Then the Lord Goddess smit the Burger King with bad spam, and all of the inhabitants thereof had a Maalox night. 6 But the people's made prayer and supplications thereof, and the Goddess was pleased with the sweet odor of the bacon double cheeseburger with fries, she therefore made a proclamation. 7 I shall set my bow(tie) in the heavens that never shall I again smite Burger King employees with bad spam. For the inhabitants thereof may taste of my mercy and see that my invisible pinkness is all. 8 I am the Invisible Pink Unicorn and there is not any other...I know not any. |