I'm back (sort of)

nonamegiven

Well, it’s good to be back, sorta back that is. I won’t go into my story or why I’m here. If you don’t know, you can read my past posts. Here’s an update though:

A month or so ago my wife discovered this site and got my username and password. She then read my posts and was shocked and angry. My posts were filled with much hurt and anger and it showed. When she confronted me about this site I thought she had found a secret I actually was hiding. A secret about my addiction (again, some info in past posts). I spilled my guts about my deepest, darkest secrets. So, she was expecting me to divulge info about something she pretty much knew already (my doubts about the “truth”) but I come out of left field with stuff she had no idea about.

A few days later she asked me to leave the house. Not to end our marriage at this time, but she said if she were to take me back it would take time and space to work things out. Since I did wrong, I didn’t have a problem leaving (well, ok I did, but who wouldn’t?) so I sold my beloved Jeep and picked up a used (Anyone seen Sanford and Son?) motor home and have been living out of that for more than a month now. After about a week of my living in it she said she wanted a divorce. My hart sank deep, deep in my chest. She told me she didn’t even have any interest in working things out at that time. Not only did she want a divorce but she didn’t even care enough to work things out. I was disgusting to her. I didn’t do so well emotionally but I did manage to keep control of my addiction and am still to this day “sober”. Anyway, she did agree to try counseling and it does seem to be working some, but slowly for sure.

We have had many talks about df’ing and it’s going to be a point of contention for years to come I’m sure. I still go to the meetings. The reason at this time is because I’ve decided that at this time I can’t tackle keeping my family together, getting a hold on my addiction AND figuring out where I am spiritually. That’s just too much for one feeble minded guy. So, I’m still going after being DF’d for 8 months and still feeling the “love” of the congregation. What kills me most is that the bros and sis’ at the congregation are there for my wife but not for me at all. I see them inviting her out after the meetings, dropping by, calling her, meeting with her after the meetings and so on. I’m glad for that because she does need encouragement but that last I checked, so do I!! That’s been the one constant thing pushing me away. It’s the total lack of love I feel from these people.

Anyway, I won’t be coming here much because like I said, I need to take a step back in my spiritual inquest but I did want to update those here that knew me before and showed me the kind of love my “brothers and sisters” refuse to show.

Thank you all and I will be in touch.

mouthy

I am so sorry your going through this., I am glad your working on the addiction,
The only thing you can do at this point is show her love -if you want to keep her.
I cant remember your former posts but will go back & read them ( my old age LOL)
Your wife is under the mind control, so it is useless to talk about religion to her. Walk the walk of love dont talk the talk of love ,actions speak louder than words in my humble opinion...
Good Luck
Grace
http://exwitnessgrace.homestead.com/free.html

OnTheWayOut

I said I didn't think I could ever get reinstated if I were in a situation like yours. I stand by that. I know
you can't really come here now, but you need to rely on professional help now. You don't need the
elders to be there for you, and you want to stay with your wife by all indications, so you might need to
stay away from here. They can continue to read your posts even if you changed your password.

I would recommend just walking away from the congregation if the elders know all about the postings.
The months and letters are just nothing to them, if they know. If they don't know, the wife will hang this
over your head. Talk to the professional about this, keep working on the marriage if you have remained
faithful from the time she forgave you, and if you want to. She can't be scripturally free if you have been
faithful. Tell her you will continue to seek professional help, with her. Walk away from the religious crap.

If you really want to stay, you will really need professional help.

Narkissos

I'm sorry for this unfortunate development ((((nng))))

Sometimes I found it's better to face several issues like that simultaneously than consecutively, no matter how overwhelming it can be when you think of it. Maybe your family, religion and "addiction" problems are all connected and you have to find out what you want. It may appear very clearly to you one of these days as you concentrate on living through, minute by minute.

Thinking of you and wishing you the best...

nonamegiven

Onthewayout said:

"She can't be scripturally free if you have been faithful."

Hah! That's what you think. The elders have told her that despite the fact that she did know of one act of adultry and fogave me since there was more than one (but none since she found out about the one) she has grounds again for a "scriptural" divorce. Funny, you can't find any of that in the bible but I digress......

To clarify for some, my addiction is a sexual one and I have been unfaithful to my wife. I told her about one and she forgave me. I told her about the rest about 9 months later. In that 9 month time frame I was faithful and working hard on my program to handle my addiction. Well, she now has the right to divorce me. They have also told her that she has a "reasonable amount of time" to make the decision. What is this reasonable about of time? 1 year, Yes folks 365 days I could be living in this camper. Do you know how humiliating it is to drive to work in a camper, drive to the hall in a camper, have everyone you work with and everyone at the hall know you live in a old camper?

Ok, I'm going to stop now, I'm just getting worked up.

95stormfront

My hat goes off to you buddy..... While I'll not even pretend to understand the dynamic of sexual adiction, I don't know how you keep it going being surrounded by people who's sole intent is to strip you of all your personal dignity.

OnTheWayOut

I told her about the rest about 9 months later. In that 9 month time frame I was faithful and working hard on my
program to handle my addiction. Well, she now has the right to divorce me. They have also told her that she has
a "reasonable amount of time" to make the decision.

I did follow your story. If you told her about more indescretions, then she DOES have a new opportunity
to decide to divorce you. And she DOES have time to kick you out, and consider whether to divorce
you or not. Even under JW rules, as long as she doesn't resume relations after you tell her, she has
all the time she needs. Under normal rules, like state law, she wouldn't be hindered by that JW rule.

I feel for you. I don't wish to sound like I am attacking you. She has that right. You can try to work it
out for the sake of the kids if you want, but she doesn't have to.

My opinion- this situation is going to keep getting worse with the wife and the congregation. I would walk
away from both, but try to keep a good relationship with the kids. I would explain to them how you have
this problem, but have hurt your wife beyond her ability to forgive you, and that will hurt the kids, too, but
you still love them.

Keep in touch with your therapist. Ask him (better be a HIM) if you should consider just walking away.
I personally think a man with an addiction should view pornography if he can't keep out of other women's
pants. I totally trust my wife to be faithful, but would totally not forgive a violation of that trust, even if there
were a mental/chemical issue. She should have approached me with the problem before cheating. Sure,
it's embarassing. That's life.

I hope my being straightforward causes you to pause and work this out with your therapist.

mouthy

I personally think a man with an addiction should view pornography if he can't keep out of other women's
pants

I dont agree with the above I read a life story of a killer who was that kind of a watcher. It gets worse watching the addiction.Then it erupts & MORE women are used .by RAPE!!!!!

OnTheWayOut

I read a life story of a killer who was that kind of a watcher. It gets worse watching the addiction.

Mouthy, I like you so I won't argue. You could be right.
Still, don't you think a sex addict should tell his wife about his addiction before going out
and satisfying his needs with other women?

I stand by everything else I said.

mouthy

Still, don't you think a sex addict should tell his wife about his addiction before going out
and satisfying his needs with other women?Oh yes I sure do agree with you...I think his wife was right.... I do hope he gets counselling for his addiction. So many lives are ruined because of that kind of addiction. ( well all addictions no matter what the are. ( mine is sweets ..& I am a diabetic ,my Dr tells me it will kill me. But oh what a way to die eating Licorice Allsorts YUMMY

I'm back (sort of)

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