(((((((((((((((((((((((nancy))))))))))))))))))))))))
Husband forgot our anniversary....again
by nsrn 36 Replies latest jw friends
-
-
John Doe
Dates that you have to remember are just an excuse for women to get pissed off. Women are always looking for an excuse to be hurt and offended by men, or an excuse to go tramping around. Pretty petty, imho.
-
found-my-way
(((((((Nancy))))))),
Maybe your hubby just needs a direct sentence from you, just something like:
''The day we got married was a special day to me because you and I became one...You mean the world to me, and I am so glad that you are a part of my life....would you like to spend this special day with me?''
-
FreedomFrog
Nancy, I do understand and feel your hurt. Before it's too late sweety, please think about getting into a marriage counselor very soon. I really do feel that counseling would have saved my marriage if I hadn't been scared about doing it at the time. Learn from my mistakes, I hesitated going to counseling because I just got out of the borg and was still under their nagging about it not being wise going to one.
Another thing, make sure the counselor is a very good one. One that can HELP you two learn the communication skills (we ended up getting the worse couselor in the world). With my marriage, we didn't have a good communication structure. We did eventually go to a couselor but it was a year too late by the time we did go.
Hugs to you and your family,
FF
-
Highlander
Just because they don't mean anything to the man doesn't mean that it's a same feeling with the woman.
It's common knowledge that men generally don't care about anniversaries, special days, dates, etc. Therefore since you have this knowledge, don't get all pissed off when
he doesn't remember or even care about the date of an anniversary. Women generally expect men to remember and make a big deal about an anniversary. Why is that?
Why can't women compromise as well and not make a big deal about a date when they know that their man doesn't give a rat's ass about it.
That being said,, regarding your marriage my only recommendation is to COMMUNICATE!. My marriage has it's problems and it all stems from my wife having
horrible communication skills. Instead of talking to me about issues, she just bottles everything inside of her and by default takes it out on me with her moody, emotional,
bad behavior. I'm no expert, but I do know that communication is probably the most important thing in a marriage.
-
FreedomFrog
Women generally expect men to remember and make a big deal about an anniversary. Why is that?
Because it's a special time for them. Like birthdays...do you celebrate your birthday? Most men that I've been around does and would be very upset if I forget theirs...for example, I have a friend that I did forget to congratulate on his birthday (last month)...even though we're just friends, he made a big fuss over it. Men tend to forget that the things they are interested in and their spouse or special other doesn't, they tend to blame it on their women for not caring enough about them to be interested in it. Been there done that. Forgetting happens...we're all human, but if it means a lot to the person you truly care about...wouldn't it only make sense to find ways to remember; like getting a data bank or other ways to remember?
Why can't women compromise as well and not make a big deal about a date when they know that their man doesn't give a rat's ass about it.
It would be easier to compromise with someone who did give a rats ass about it. Even if the man cared only because their woman cared...compromising would be good then.
regarding your marriage my only recommendation is to COMMUNICATE!.
I totally agree with you here. Communication seems to be the biggest problems between man and woman. It's not the fault of just one...it's the fault of them both. To learn a very good communication skill in a marriage is one of the most important thing for the couple. One of the most difficult skills to learn as well.
My marriage has it's problems and it all stems from my wife having horrible communication skills.
Instead of talking to me about issues, she just bottles everything inside of her and by default takes it out on me with her moody, emotional, bad behavior.
Have you thought that maybe...just maybe you might be hard to talk to? If you tell her that it's her fault that the marriage is going south because of her communication skills..then that there shows a bit of work that needs to be done about how you communicate with her. Bottling everything up inside is a sign that the person is not comfortable talking about their feelings. For example, be honest with yourself...(you don't have to answer)...has she been upset about something that was important to her and you "blew it off" as not caring a rats ass about? If you have at any point, the next time may not have been easy to discuss her concerns with you because of the fear of your reaction.
I will admit, I am guilty of saying "you did this..you did that" without accepting any blame. But from my experiences I have learn to go about it in a different way...I should be saying more..."I'm feeling this way...or I'm feeling that"....that way it takes the blame off from the one you love or claim to love.
-
LtCmd.Lore
Oh, good gravy. And people wonder why I'm opposed to marriage.
Anyone who has ever watched ANY TV at all should know by now that this is an extremely common problem.
Women are overly sensitive about anniversaries, and men are not sensitive enough about them.
Women, try to understand that men DON'T care about commemorative dates. He's living with you, so it's safe to assume that he didn't forget your marriage, he just forgot about the list of numbers that are associated with that day (IE: 5/08/1981 6:30 PM). He's not trying to hint around that your marriage is in danger by not mentioning your anniversary, in fact most men don't hint at all. They talk or they don't. This isn't a sign that he's depressed, this isn't a sign that he doesn't care. It's not a sign of anything. He forgot, so why didn't you remind him? "Hey honey, remember, next week is our anniversary."
Men, try to understand that women NEED commemorative dates. It gives them a sense of stability, she's living with you so she needs to know that you think about her often, and her wedding is probably the most important date in her life. Even if you don't care try to care about it anyways simply because she want's you too, that's reason enough. If you don't she will most likely think that your trying to tell her something telepathically by not remembering it, she'll think you don't care, she'll think it's a sign that your marriage is in danger. Why not make what's important to her important to you? (Make plans a week ahead of time for a something special.)
Why do I get the odd feeling that most of the women skipped to the part about men, and most of the men only read the part addressed to women?
Lore
-
FreedomFrog
Why do I get the odd feeling that most of the women skipped to the part about men, and most of the men only read the part addressed to women?
Because that's what is happening...lol. Have you thought about becoming a counselor.
I think that for most people that are in relationships, they have either been hurt or are being hurt and are on a man bashing or woman bashing tangent.
Women are overly sensitive about anniversaries, and men are not sensitive enough about them.
This is so true. If both could compromise on this area, things could become less tense.
-
UnConfused
N said,
:: and my old friend/true love offering a new life, ::
Wow - how did this communication start? You've been married 26 years and you have a "true love" you are talking to? He is offering you a 'new life'? Mentally and emotionally you've gone down some roads already.
There is a lot of work to do for you and your husband.
Good luck to you. -
Highlander
Have you thought that maybe...just maybe you might be hard to talk to? If you tell her that it's her fault that the marriage is going south because of her communication skills..then that there shows a bit of work that needs to be done about how you communicate with her. Bottling everything up inside is a sign that the person is not comfortable talking about their feelings. For example, be honest with yourself...(you don't have to answer)...has she been upset about something that was important to her and you "blew it off" as not caring a rats ass about? If you have at any point, the next time may not have been easy to discuss her concerns with you because of the fear of your reaction.
Yes, to some people I can be difficult to approach because they don't like my honesty(I don't beat around the bush)
Did I tell her the marital problems are her fault? Nope, I first explained the things that I need to work on, then I explained that I would like her to work on her communication skills and
explained why I feel this way.
As for her bottling everything up, it's very simple why she does this. She is depressed and has admitted so. The problem is that she refuses to do anything about it.
I've offered counseling, therapy, meds. I even told her that if she doesn't want to be in the marriage, then I would leave if that's what she wanted. I even told her that I would
explain to her family it was my fault and that she has scriptural reasons for wanting an end(just so that she wouldn't look bad in her j-dub relative's viewpoint.)
But anyways, back to the original poster's thread:
I do hope you can work things out,, I also agree with what has been mentioned about you finding a 'true love' means you've already picked a road to travel down.
I suggest making a decision based on your well being and happiness and sticking to it. Pick your husband, or your newly found 'true love'. But don't travel both roads as
you seem to be doing now.