Very true in that the wife gets sympathy if her husband fails his headship and fades. They are often given excuses to leave the unbelieving mate. When the wife leaves, the husband failed to exercise his headship properly, as when their kids stray. Speaking from personal experience, they don't ever seem to give up on getting you back in.
Is is easier to fade if you are the husband or the wife?
by wings 24 Replies latest jw friends
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Sassy
I dont' see how you can fade if one is active.. fade is when you slip away and stop attending and no one notices...
if you have an active spouse... they obviously notice..
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twinflame2
True, Sassy. I guess I was thinking in the sense of fading from the congregation by slowing down meeting attendance and no field service until finally stopping. This as opposed to being DF'd or officially DA'ing.
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wings
Sassy,
I was thinking of fading like twinflames2 discribes. However, I am actually speaking of faking some shell of believeing, as a mate, just to keep peace.
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twinflame2
You know Wings, when I look back, I think I stopped believing long before I stopped going. I just went through the motions to keep peace. It wasn't until my last teenagers stood up to their Dad and refused to go to meetings anymore that I threw in the towel. If I hadn't been raising a big family, I think I would have quit long before I did. I don't think I would have done it for so long for any other reason.
Yeah, it's been hard and our marriage has suffered, but I won't set foot back in a hall again. Not for anybody.
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wings
twinflame2,
I had 6 teenagers (blended family), none of which landed in the "truth". Now I am raising two granddaughters. Can't pull off peace much longer. Need to stand up and say "NO MORE". I'm afraid I'll get DF'd.
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Blueblades
I personally know about a C.O. who left the work because his wife was suffering from a nervous breakdown. Even some heavies at Bethel suffered from nervous breakdowns. It could go either way, husband or wife can fade equally by using the nervous breakdown, emotional health sickness. Husband can say my wife needs me at this very painful time, and the wife can say the same thing. The elders can"t do anything when someone is having a nervous breakdown. They don't even find the time to visit, maybe a phone call that's all.
It's harder for the husband, because he is the one taking the lead. They jump all over him. Easier for the wife, because they leave it to the husband to handle his wife. My conclusion is that it is never really easy for anyone to do the fade when you remain with your congregation. Moving away is the best optiion when doing the fade.
Blueblades
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jgnat
Yeah, I've seen the JW husband get mad because suddenly he's lost all his priveledges. Yet he is to remain meek and mild, coaxing you back in to the "truth". In it's own way, a fade is really tough on the partner, too. The "Secret to Family Happiness" book has no provision for when the spouse does not respond to their partner's patience.
I think the trick is to convince him that the alternative is much worse.
Maybe tell him that the meetings are making you physically ill. Then go to a meeting after his persistent pleading. Run out of the meeting halfway through and throw up in the car.....in the driver's seat. (I'm half-joking.)
I've got it a little better, as my husband has never expected me to be submissive. I've been a tiger-cat from day one. Some days if he gets too annoying I've threatened to tell the brothers and sisters how I really feel. He laughs and backs off.
I'd like to see you get your marriage on a better footing, where he doesn't expect such perfect submission any more.
GoingGoingGone is in a similar situation. Her husband is an elder, and she has managed a successful fade. She's also managed to impart love and an independent spirit in her two teenage children. Her neat dismissal of a shepherding call, I think, was one of the smoothest I've ever read.
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Odrade
When we were both JWs, my husband became a very infrequent meeting attender. While they would sometimes ask me to "say Hi," the harrassment (phone calls, requests to pay a shepherding visit, etc,) didn't begin until I became infrequent in field service.
My husband is an introvert, was rather quiet before and after the meetings, and had no significant ties. I am, however, very extroverted, "well-connected," and was fairly reliable until nearly the end of our time there. When the elders have called over the last 4 - 5 years, they call me. While I understand this is common practice - to call the wife and appeal to her "emotionalism," it isn't particularly effective around here. The last person who called was told that if I explained why I wasn't involved, I was aware he would not "help" me, but rather convene a Judicial Committee. He protested that it wasn't so, and I let him know that I was quite familiar with Organizational Procedure (where's that little TM mark, lol!) and that I found it hard to believe what he was saying.
This was the second such conversation I had with the same man in the same year (C.O.,) so I don't feel too threatened, HAHA.
But I think if my husband had quit and I had kept on, there would have been very little action taken. It really depends on the couple. It's not that I was "so special," simply that I am the more "visible" person in the couple.
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MariAruet
In my experinece if husband leave no problem there but if wife decides to leave that gives husband god-given opportunity to look for a reason to get out of that marriage and find someone else. So any woman who decides to stop being a witness better be ready to be on her own before you can say a kingdom hall.