missed 2 weeks worth of meetings...now how the hell do I get out?

by SnakesInTheTower 29 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  jgnat

  The materialism card was my first thought, frankiespeakin'. If they try and counsel you to give up your exciting job, burst in to tears, "I am weak." At least they'll stop pushing for you to be a MS or join the TMS.

  I have to laugh at Sarah Smiles' response, so true! What if you promise to call the PO back an then keep putting him off? The PO will have done his job counselling you (which we hope will satisfy), but I doubt he's free enough to keep following up with you. I have an employee who puts me through this, and he's very successful at it!

  But then I've never had to walk the line like all you fine folks. As for my advice, take it or leave it. I have no idea what would work best with your PO.
• 

  Scully

  Never in a million years would I have suspected I could go inactive so totally after being so active and not have one visit or one confrontation.

  That's how it was with us too. Mind you, we helped it along by moving out of congregation territory, but we didn't even get phone calls from the people we had considered to be our best friends for the previous five years after we moved. It was a kind of "out of sight, out of mind" experience. I suspect if you keep "out of sight", you'll likely drop off their radar before long. They don't believe in ghosts, remember? So be one... totally invisible... and they probably won't bother with you. If they do, you can say how drained you are travelling for work, and you try to seek out other KHs to attend meetings when you have some downtime on the road. Eventually, they'll figure it out and start to avoid you.
• 

  inbyathread

  I dont want to get D/A'd or D/F'd or be marked as bad association.

  It doesn't really matter. You will be seen as bad association. It isn't what you do so much as how they decide to respond to your lack of meeting attendance. Yes you can use materialism or health issues as an excuse for awhile but there are still ones who will judge you as being misled by Satan.

  One suggestion was to just miss a couple of meetings a month and then increase the time between attending. Use the 'I've been really busy lately but thanks for being concerned." excuse when the elders come up to you. Your real friends will stick with you. I just hope that they really are real friends. We weren't supprised when our so-called friends stopped coming by and started to act suspiciously uncomfortable when we were together. It will open your eyes so don't get too upset about it. Good Luck.
• 

  Bonnie_Clyde

  I feel the elderly are neglected by the Borg and their minions on the BOE.

  That was the major factor that made me stop going. My mother was very old and sick, my father (an elder) was her full-time caregiver. Besides working full time, I spent every evening caring for their needs including some very messy nursing duties that I won't detail here. Often I didn't get home till 10:30 or 11 pm and had to start the day on my job early the next morning. During this time there was almost no congregation support--remember the counsel is that the relatives are the ones that are supposed to take care of the elderly. Problem was--as my mother's condition worsened, we had less and less help from the relatives--things were just too messy. I couldn't believe that with all the support my father had given over the years--finacially, spiritually, and otherwise, that there was so little interest in our dilemma. Even carloads of witnesses would drive by their house, stop to visit the neighbors, but didn't bother to stop to see my parents. They only lived one mile form the KH. Then the elders had the gall to come and counsel me that I needed to get out in service--it was fine that I saw the need to take care of my parents but I had to realize that there are people out there who have no "hope."

  Get this! When my mother died and the pressure was off, all of a sudden witness relatives came forward to inform my father that I wasn't attending meetings (I went to another congregation). He became indignant, and decided to bequeath his estate to my daughter. I have been disinherited. Somehow how the years (about 7) that I spent caring for my parent's needs were forgotten. Even though I'm not DF'd, my daughter has me (and Clyde) marked.

  I often think I should have faked my hours and at least tried to attend a couple of meetings a month--and I tried this for awhile--but I just coudn't stand the BS. I guess my freedom is worth the price.

  Happily, my son and daughter-in-law no longer attend meetings--this was a major factor. Interestingly, my daughter-in-law's parents know she is not attending, but it doesn't seem to bother them at all.

  You never know what the repercussions are going to be, but freedom is worth the price.
• 

  SnakesInTheTower

  jaguarbass:

  I am getting the vibe that you want to ride the fence

  You are right in a way. It is not that I "want" to ride the fence. For now, moving is not an option. But maybe soon it will be. I am trying to reduce my debt and right now I have very cheap rent in a small 2 bedroom house in a reasonably nice area. Once the debt is paid down or off (maybe later this year), moving will be a more viable option.

  I will be making another business trip to another state soon. I will use the opportunity to look around at housing. My boss told me that I am eligible for a promotion to management if I move to this area I will be traveling to. It really would be starting over.

  In the meantime, I have friends locally who are relentless in "checking" on me. I just tell em I am working a lot and trying to pay bills, blah blah.. They know I am missing a lot of meetings, a couple even know about the lack of real FS. They really care but I wonder if that would still hold true if I outright left (or D/A or D/F). One frieind told me honestly he is thinking seriously of leaving the Borg. But he stays in because of his family too. But he misses a lot of meetings and FS also using work as an excuse. We work for the same company.

  And the "lazy sheep class" reference is just a tongue in cheek joke. I know waaaaay too many so-called "publishers" who are really lazy by Borg standards. (not my standards mind you) They go out in FS for an hour (half-heartedly knocking...not too loud, might wake someone and quickly slip a tract or old rag in the door) then go on an hour break at a local coffee shop or restaraunt for breakfast. Then they go back and hit a couple of ragazine route calls they have had forever before calling it a day at 1130. (Now that both the WTrash and Asleep! rags are going to once a month, I wonder what they will do about their "routes" suddenly taking less time to complete?)

  Many of us dubs are just doing enough to not raise a red flag to the local BOE..... remembering I was one of the Borg minion not that long ago. Please dont judge me too harshly about fence sitting. I hate it. True friends will stay true friends no matter what. Family...well we know that the Borg (not Jesus) is the one that divides families.

  Thanks for your honest input

  SnakesInTheTower (of the Lazy Sheep Class)
• 

  minimus

  My personal experience: It took about a year to successfully leave. I resigned as an elder while I was at the top. Then I used work and other "responsibilities" to make my absences look better. Then, I'd go for a couple of weeks, miss the bookstudy but make the others. Eventually, I statred regularly missing and before you knew it, I was gone. I made a very clean break. I only see my JW mom and every once in a while I see a former elder who has been a dear friend since I was a baby. Other than that. I purposely got them out of my life and i have zero regrets.
• 

  sexyk

  Yet, I dont want to get D/A'd or D/F'd or be marked as bad association. I have close friends who say they will stick by me no matter what, but many who say they love me tell me that they would probably cave to the pressure if something like that happened

  Well, it's time to face the facts !

  Your going to be marked as bad association no matter what, if you leave. That's a for sure. You can't leave in an honourable way.

  They would absolutely cave to the pressure if you quit going to meetings, yes, it doesn't matter how close they are to you, perhaps family can be an exception, if your lucky.

  You might not get Df 'ed, or D/Aed, but you will certainly be labelled as someone who is " weak spritually" . And word will spread like wild fire, like it always does in the Org.

  What to do ? Personally, Do the fade away ! Go to meetings every now and then, and over a time period just stop attending, that way it won't become such a shock to family members or close friends ! They will see it comming. Although, your going to hurt them regardless. But YOU have to do what makes YOU happy.

  Staying in the JW organization just for family or friends isn't a good enough reason to stay in it. If anything, your not being true to your friends, family, and to them you wouldn't be staying true to God ! But most importantly, you wouldn't be staying true to yourself !

  I had many friends in the organzation when I left, and family members, some even in bethel ! Now that im 20, im out. And even though it's difficult losing people so close to me, I can at least look in the mirror everyday and see an honest guy, an individual who stays true to himself.

  Quit and never look back, it's a very dangerous mind controlling group. ! Best wishes and take it easy.

  keith
• 

  WTWizard

  It is possible to fade out, and if you move between two congregations and "forget" to officially switch, the fading will be easier since each congregation will think you are going to the other's meetings. Actually attending a few of the other meetings will help with this. The goal is to attend fewer and fewer meetings, and keep service to a bare minimum. Eventually, just drop out altogether. Each congregation will think you went to the other. The confusion will likely buy you the time needed to fade.

  Of course, you will still be "bad association" to most in the congregation. They are trained to think of anyone who isn't progressing as "bad association". Unless you are doing all you can to reach out for "privileges" and then taking each one of them when offered regardless of health or time, you are seen as weak and not a desired association. The organization is structured like that to keep people from backsliding. And if someone thinks you are committing a serious sin, the kangaroo courtjudicial hearing will not be far off.

  Personally, unless you have family or close friends in the Tower and wish to stay close to them, it simply isn't worth trying to get in good standing with them. They will keep setting up hurdles, keeping you one step away from being classified as in good standing. In the meantime you will be wasting 50 or 60 hours a month plus gas to do service, making all those horrible meetings, and giving up all your freedom just to stay in good standing. I would just try to do the fade, and make them waste their time worrying about you. And, unless you have family for them to hold hostage, getting disfellowshipped could be the start of true freedom.
• 

  bluebell

  Snakes: I feel the elderly are neglected by the Borg and their minions on the BOE.

  Bonnie_Clyde : That was the major factor that made me stop going. My mother was very old and sick, my father (an elder) was her full-time caregiver. Besides working full time, I spent every evening caring for their needs including some very messy nursing duties that I won't detail here. Often I didn't get home till 10:30 or 11 pm and had to start the day on my job early the next morning. During this time there was almost no congregation support--remember the counsel is that the relatives are the ones that are supposed to take care of the elderly. Problem was--as my mother's condition worsened, we had less and less help from the relatives--things were just too messy. I couldn't believe that with all the support my father had given over the years--finacially, spiritually, and otherwise, that there was so little interest in our dilemma. Even carloads of witnesses would drive by their house, stop to visit the neighbors, but didn't bother to stop to see my parents. They only lived one mile form the KH. Then the elders had the gall to come and counsel me that I needed to get out in service--it was fine that I saw the need to take care of my parents but I had to realize that there are people out there who have no "hope."

  I know this is off topic and sorry for that but I have to say I totally agree with you, my mom looked after her mom and my father was counselled because she was missing meetings giving the needed 24hr care. No-one helped much, my mom reckoned that sisters would drop by in the day sometimes but i never saw anyone in the evening or weekends when i looked after her, not even when she was in hospital. My superspiritual sister was too busy pioneering, my other sister felt it was too much emotionally, my bro doesn't drive so it was that i was the only other person helping her (out of 9 grankids). grandma had two sons too - guess which one was willing to make a 2-3hr journey on public transport and who living 20min away couldnt be arsed? one was d/a the other a witness. of course it was the d/a one who visited his mom.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  What do I do? I am tired of pretending to want to be at meetings.
  Yet, I dont want to get D/A'd or D/F'd or be marked as bad association.

  Don't go backwards no matter what. Don't join the school. Don't go to ANY bookstudy meetings.
  A successful fade has to proceed toward invisible. You are doing great.

  As far as not being DA'ed or DF'ed, you should be able to just be "spiritually weak" without that.
  It's a game of never admitting any of what they call sins, never admit to a thing that allows judicial
  actions. Try to avoid anything with TWO elders present. If you are cornered by one or two elders,
  then listen and nod without agreeing to do anything. Just say "thanks for your help."

  I faded a bit fast. I was an elder in Summer who stepped aside, I took my field service to Zero hours
  after another 2 months. When I had 6 months of Zero, I stopped meeting attendence. That's only been
  about 2 months now, but no problems. Don't expect it to be that easy, but like you, I calculated my
  fade. Mine was between CO visits for the reductions, then after the CO visit for the total inactivity.
  They will be used to my not being there by the next CO visit, and I made sure the elders know I was
  stumbled by the CO.

  You sound like you are at a point where you can stop meetings anytime you want to. You can drag it
  out to just some Sunday meetings, or just stop. Might be best to make the CO visit, then stop after it.

  marked as bad association

  There's no real telling if you can be successful on this. The elders tried to reactivate you, so you are
  not applying counsel. Usually, if you don't interact with the elders and the publishers much, they won't
  mark you, but individuals might brand you as "bad association" no matter what you do. I would say to
  just hope your friends understand, and continue to fade.