Marrying a non-witness

why???

This is my first post and im nervous but I've read many so far. My situation is this im going to be 21 in june and i'm in love with my boyfriend but he not a witness and I am( i have been my entire life) my parent found out and forbid me to see him and even told me to leave, i did leave for a day, but they called me back. But they still hate that I have any contact with him...and we still want to get married. How do i do it? Do i tell the elders first or get married then tell the elders? Will they try to stop me or disfellowhip me??? Everyone says I will reap what i sew by not doing things the "right" way...im scared that they're right and of losing my family...but i think he's worth it.

Please let me know what you think of my situation.

jgnat

1. Sort out who you are and what you believe before you marry. (Save you years of heartache.)

2. Live on your own before you marry. (Independence demands this.)

3. Get a college education, both of you. (Broaden your minds and your group of friends, both of you. People change a lot between 21 and 26. You want to be sure you both still like each other after you have broadened your experience a bit.)

4. If the two of you are still deeply committed, get married. (Yay!)

5. Then tell the elders. (It's your life)

That's what adults do. They make their own decisions and live by them.

carla

Sounds like you are not ready for marriage. You are already putting the elders, org and your parents before your future husband. Do you really want to put this man who you claim to love through years of hell with the organization and your family? What about future children? Will you be running to the elders and parents when you two have a dispute about the care of them? What if future hubby figures out what a cult the wt really is and doesn't want them raised as jw's? Will you 'submit' to his 'leadership' as 'head of the house' or will you bypass him and listen to the elders and your parents? Find yourself before you destroy innocent lives including this mans who is probably totally unaware of what the jw's are all about. Find yourself and your own inner strength to be a grown up and make your own decisions and be able to live with the consequences.

Smiles_Smiles

I married a non-witness while I was a very active witness in 1999. To my surprize it was not considered a disfellowshiping offense. (Fornication and loose conduct is but apparently not marrying 'outside the Lord'. But I did marry and then told the elders. The way the friends treated me and my own self guilt was another issue. Depending on how small the town is and how (extra-ordinarily) closed minded and judgemental your paticular congregation is will determine how others treat you.

And all the other things you will face is a whole nother issue. But I wont address them since you did not bring them up.

kicky

not a dfing issue. BUT the elders may well try to discourage it. They may even try to weave into the conversation whether or not you beleive the FSD is God's channel of communication.....to see if your line of thinking is "apostate"

I

why???

Thank you all for answering me. You're right I keep thinking about what the elder and everyone else will do to me and I've been trying hard to worry about that less. Being with him opened my eyes...he had started studying but stoped said he didnt agree with certain things...but one day...a light bulb went off in my head and i began to see the world a little different from being so narrow minded...i started to see people as just people. I know we have alot of growing to do as individuals so does he but im hoping that we can grow together and change together and still stay together...we have great communication. After ppl in the past have married at 20 and kept it going till 80!

I do need to sort out what i beleive but that will take a long time and he knows that and he's ok with ithis parents know too....besides he kinda needs me to marry him for legal reasons but we were together about 2 years and I've known him since i started college before any of that came up about 9mts ago..thats just recent stuff....i want to wait untill i graduate next year matter of fact im getting my dipolma early by the end of this year if all goes well....he was in school but had to stop now he works untill he can get back in but he scared i will leave him and do what my parents want...besides that hes horny( lol)(no fornication here) In my heart i dont want to leave him and all the talking my parents have done kinda fell on deaf ears which is unusual for me since I was so into it before now in stubborn they say and wicked and selfish..the list goes on. lol

My mom met him once and she thinks he' s an apostate because he was disagree with her comments and saying stuff that he didnt like. I was so sure that jw was right now im not so sure...i really want to find out so i can stop being in limbo like this. But either way i know i like the freedom of mind i feel now...i can see how i was living in a blissful fearful state that unfortuntley knowing about doesnt immedialty cure the fear part it just brings up a whole new set of them!! I hope that made sense to you guys.

I like in a pretty big city where i can basically disappear if i wanted to not be bothered with anyone. Also what issues did marrying a non witness bring up besides the ones that they try to scare you with? Are the right or wrong? Is it really that hard?

anewme

Wow. You are marrying the first person outside of the cult who gives you attention?
You know nothing about the men out there in the world. You have not even finished your studies.
And you have informed us that this man has a "need" to get married. (Legal status?)
At first I was all for you staying with this young man, but now I say "whoa!" and "Slow down!" young lady.

Jgnat made some good points about growing up first and getting out on your own. Now that your eyes are more opened about the cult, get out of it for your own sake. Finish your education. Explore this fine world and meet a lot of people in your field of interest.

Falling in love is fine, but marrying the first young man you meet outside the cult is not smart. Throughout life you will meet many many fine men. Dont rush to marry the first one who wants you.

Desperation can lead to impulsive actions.

tijkmo

besides he kinda needs me to marry him for legal reasons

yeah thats always a good reason for marriage.

reneeisorym

Everyone is right. I married at 18 to the first non-jw who was interested in me. I loved him very much. Love just wasn't enough. We wanted such different lifestyles and even though we communicated well, we couldn't agree on things.

I want you to be so careful right now! Back in the old days, men and women married young but their parents helped pick out the spouse. Your parent's don't agree with him and it could be for more reasons than just his religion. Please be careful! I don' t know how to say it enough. If you two really love each other, he'll still be there in a few years. I know you've heard this before it really is true. There is so much more to marriage than physical sparks and sex. I know he wants sex but if he loves you, he'll stick around.

I was still a jw until I was 23 though. Being married to someone who is not a jW is soooo hard. But you need to decide what you want to do. Then marry someone who is on the same page as you are. "Love" is not near as important as finding someone who has the same values, goals, and style of living that you want.

Please listen to people who have been in your shoes! It will save you so much heartache!! Please hold off on marriage and work out who you want to be before you settle down.

I have found total happiness and it came from finding a man at the age of 25 and leaving the JWs. And finding a good church.

delilah

....

besides he kinda needs me to marry him for legal reasons

Uh.....DON'T DO IT FOR THIS REASON!!! You're young, you need to experience life as a single person before you go jumping into a marriage....Please heed Jgnat's words.

Finish your schooling, ENJOY yourself...there is no rush...if he truly loves you, he will understand and will wait.

I married a non-witness, and it has worked out great for me, not saying we didn't have our share of troubles, a lot of them in regards to religion early on, but every marriage has it's ups and downs, and we are both now non- witnesses...which makes it easier. And, my family accepted my husband right from the start, as well, so I was lucky there.

I wish you the very best, but please don't rush this.

Marrying a non-witness

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