Open Marriages And Open Relationships—Does It Matter?

by The wanderer 16 Replies latest jw friends

  • Sparkplug
    Sparkplug

    I agree with Sparky - it devalues what you do share. I would rather have a shorter relationship and move on to someone new when things got stale than share a partner. However its the greatest act of unselfishness to let your partner have their freedom and not be possessive about them. I'm just not sure I am that generous. Also I'd maybe feel unwanted if my partner was keen to share me on a regular basis.

    I can see where it can be very useful. In terms of long distance relationships - it may not be practical to confine oneself for very long periods. I have mixed feelings, but I don't know anyone who it has genuinely worked for. In fact in some circumstances I have been acquainted with the open relationship thing was merely an excuse to begin a serious relationship with someone else.

    Pretty much what crumpet said. In my first marriage, my husband just loved my best friend. Who wouldn't she is a bundle of life. But she developed feelings for him and that really fubared my friendship with her. It made me feel like the outsider in my own marriage. I no longer was funny, interesting, cute..none of the above. I did not get the jokes and well although nothing transpired, I found myself wishing it would so I could just be free of the both of them. Nothing like being the third wheel with two people you love. He did not have the same attraction to her, but jeeze he might as well have, he found her much more facinating it felt like, and that hurt me much more than any fling might have.

    I don't know, maybe I am strange that way, but I like to be special to my special someone. Not just a spittoon they sleep with. I like to be the one they share jokes with and like to be around and talk to. I like and just come to life if I am the one they are proud of and if that bond is one nobody can interfere with.

    I find myself as of late a bit harder and of the mindset that if someone is gonna go...then go. Don't try to share me, don't have me as an old shoe and someone else as the cake and excitement. Because I am surely someones excitement...and if not, my own. Nobody needs to feel like the last one picked in their own loved ones life. I spent too many years as the last one picked for the baseball team. And as an adult too many years as the first one picked to be the icing on the cake. I know now that I don't have to be an old shoe. So in my mind...walk if you must...but keep walking if you want to share and if I am not the special one.

    I forgot that for a bit, but I seem to remember that now, and although I don't like being hardened a bit...I like remembering that.

  • AlmostAtheist
    AlmostAtheist

    There seems to be something inherent in us, something very low-level and animal, that makes us feel more strongly connected to a person while and after having sex with them. To expect that you can happily screw everything that moves without emotional repercussions is naive, in my opinion. People may SAY they are just "bumping uglies" (tossed in because I loved that phrase!) but their heart is going to be pinging them with "fall in love" messages. You may personally be able to ignore those messages, but can all of your partners?

    I'm not saying it's simply unworkable, but I do believe it would be a significant challenge to pull it off without emotional injury.

    Dave

  • Crumpet
    Crumpet
    but their heart is going to be pinging them with "fall in love" messages. You may personally be able to ignore those messages, but can all of your partners?

    My heart rarely pings with those messages, but I would agree one night stands outside of the relationship can be detrimental if both are not in agreement with this arrangement. Also there is frequently the problem that I might think I am having a one night stand, but the ONS may not agree and can take weeks or months to get rid of and that kind of hassle really isn't worth it.

  • AlmostAtheist
    AlmostAtheist

    >>but the ONS may not agree and can take weeks or months to get rid of and that kind of hassle really isn't worth it.

    Yeah, sorry about the misunderstanding on that one, Crumpy. But did you REALLY need to take out the restraining order? I mean damn... ;-)

    Dave

  • Crumpet
    Crumpet

    Leaving a decapitated dove under my window AlmostAtheist - well lets just say it was just a step too far!

  • Highlander
    Highlander

    If it makes both partners happy, then go for it.

    Communication and 'ground rules' would be important though, so that each one knows the bourndaries.

    Maybe the ideal would be to bring someone into the bedroom that they both can share at the same time.

  • Twitch
    Twitch

    I have a question.

    How many here are in open marriages? How long has it been "open"? Is there equality in number of partners? Has there ever been jealousy? How was that overcome?

    Same for open relationships. Who here is into it and for how long?

    Just curious.

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