Dear JWD Family & Friends:
The proper starting point is to sincerely thank all of you, each one, know and unknown, for all of your tireless concern, support, efforts and especially for the love you have constantly poured out during this period of my life. I am only alive today because of the unselfish love from the "angels" present on this board. All of you have made major contributions and have had an enourmous impact on my life in the last 3 years since 2004.
I will never forget how YOU have saved my life, given me courage, squeezed strength back into my tired, broken carcass. There aren't enough languages or dictionaries to describe it all and most people would never believe us. I will someday finish the book I started called "Never Again". This board is a major part of my story. Now that the worst has happened again, I have to decide what type of resources I will need to cope, manage and live through this new setback. I know YOU are with me!
There are so many new questions, and a lot of changes have occurred in my life. I am no longer the same person who came here and told my story three years ago. During the first year following Talia's death, I was severely depressed and suicidal. I sank into a personal abyss. I relied on substances and isolation to accompany my grief and sorrow. I experienced the long-distance love of true friends who are my family. I abused myself as much as possible and made every effort to destroy my life through bad decisions and reckless abandonment. I gave up on everything.
Around summer of 2005, my immediate biological family summoned me to Italy for support. In a five week period, I finally smiled and laughed again, and felt some joy. I returned to the USA and started to hunt for employment again to occupy myself and by fall of 2005 I was working as a consultant again in my field. Since then, I have only spent 3 weeks for the entirety of 2006 at home in Rhode Island. The job requires 90% international travel and has kept me away from everything, especially the reminders and triggers of the whole situation.
After travelng through europe, south america, the carribean, asia, the continental USA, and other places, I felt like I was on a non-stop tour of distractions, both pleasant and sometimes tiring. However, the long hours, multiple responsibilities, cultural barriers, and new places produced a sort of therapeutic effect and I am actually able to face each day. The nightmares have stopped and although I still have vivid dreams of Talia, I no longer sink into a dark, lonely, isolated, depression.
My family situation has changed. Marina is still living with her maternal grandparents (The Fullers: Main Manufacturers of Typical JW Assembly Line of Faulty-Dysfunctional-BiPolar-Psychotic Humans). She is eager to reunite with her mother and start over and although my information is never accurate or timely, I believe the plan is to eventually leave Rhode Island, probably with the support of the Fullers.
I made a decision last year to avoid the trial, to stay away from the triggers and negativity, and to attempt to begin a new life with whatever is left, for the sake of my biological family, my global family, my personal friends and everyone else who would be affected negatively by my suicide. So, I am still alive today. I am planning to leave the USA permanently before summer ends.
I realize this chapter ends, and a new one awaits overseas. I will someday finish my book and tell the story of a once small happy family with two beautiful, innocent, pure and loving little-girls. Many of you know I have been an atheist since 1999 and thus I have reconciled many beliefs since then, thus, my heart is heavier than normal over the losses and despair. I don't know what justice is anymore, but I realize I cannot control the authorities, individuals, circumstances or otherwise, I can only control myself, and that is where I am learning the most nowadays.
I am turning my anger into energy and focusing on a remote, isolated future somewhere with simple peace and quiet, solitude and whatever nature can provide me as ambience. I love all of YOU dearly and think about the events in my life often and realize how monumental your affect has been since I first started posting here years ago, when danger did not lurk around the corner, or inside my own home. YOU have been through all of it with me, and my persoanl bond, despite distance and time, is always stronger, more appreciative and ever loyal to YOU!
Never have so many, from so far away, done so much to save one soul! Where are the words? Where are the words? Where is Talia?
In loving memory of:
"Talia Ariana Maya Balletta" born May 31, 1992 at Women & Infants Hospital, Providence, Rhode Island, USA