I ponder on time with friends..

by Sparkplug 21 Replies latest jw friends

Sparkplug

I am now trying to choose who I will give of myself to instead of blindly accepting every person that comes along as a frined.
Free to think~ Thanks for that. I have been saying that in my head for days now.
Now I realize that we don't have to suffer through 'friendships,' if that's what you can call them, we can choose who we want to be around and who we don't. I see a lot of people I used to hang out with and it is such a relief to me to not have to put up with their fake frinedshhip anymore. In the past mos,t if not all, of these friendships have been one-sided with me doing all the work and running and in the end they just weren't there for me when I needed help or support or even just a phone call.
And this above is so true. I think maybe I should pick friends as I would a lover or husband...with a lot more thought put into it and perhaps I will end up as unmarried as I am today. It is a big thing and I should view people that are close with such an eye.
Bumble Bee

One of the hardest things for me to realize was that people will come and go in my life. I found it hard to let go. I used to think "once a friend, always a friend", but sometimes this is just not the case.
People are always changing, evolving, growing. Sometimes the people in our lives don't go in the same direction as we do, and they quietly slip away from us. Other times we have to make the decision to let them go from our lives, sometimes for our own sanity and health!
Then there are the really special friends, that no matter how each person changes, you are able to put aside any differences and still remain friends. Those are much harder to come by, but I have one special friend like that. Our lives have taken different directions, but we are able to respect each others decisions and choices.
Real friends are there for us, through the good times and the bad, are willing to offer a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, without critisism or judgement.
BB
compound complex

Dear Decki,
When replying to a thread such as yours, we so often say, "You took the words right out of my mouth!" Amen. What I wanted to add is a "professional" look at your thoughts, from Judith Viorst's book NECESSARY LOSSES. It discusses realistically what we can or cannot expect in any relationship. Chapter 12 is about different types of friendship - convenience, historical, crossroads, cross-generational, and those friends who respond to our needs at 2:00 a.m. I will paraphrase somewhat as I'm not sure about what is meant by reproduction rights.
As we grow up and move away from family to create new and meaningful, "untainted" friendships, we must distinguish between fact and fiction. There will be joys but also disappointment. Ms. Viorst refers to that myth of "perfect" friendship, where we are always there for one another, our love is absolute, we can tell all with impunity, and "we willingly would run - no questions asked - to help each other in times of trouble." We are friends in spots - loving but envious, loving but competing. Even if we have a few beloved friends, the connection is imperfect.
This is one of the most incredible and helpful books I have ever read, Decki. It deals largely on HOW to let go and get real, which is the point, I believe, that you are making. You are surely worth anyone's love and friendship.
Love,
CoCo
twinflame2

Having a friend like you would be a real treasure. If your 'friends' don't view you that way, then they are indeed, not your friends. I have a couple of workmates that I feel close to, but have not have a real friend in years. Sometimes I miss that. There are many people on these boards that I greatly admire and their good qualities shine through their words. You are one of those people and deserve good, true friendships.
misanthropic

This is a very interesting subject. I had posted about one of my good frineds I've known over 10 years in fact we had been roommates and everything. But I felt she was getting into a bad situation and after thinking about advice from others and knowing what I needed to do, I decided to speak my mind on it. unfortunately I haven't heard back from her since. At first I felt like I had lost something in losing her friendship but actually my life has been so much less complex. We haven't been 'on the same page' for years and she has very different things going on in her life now than I do and it's been this way for a few years now but I guess I was afraid to cut her loose and let her be. I'm tired at grasping at straws that just aren't there-
nvrgnbk

Can marriages just end like that?
I believe they can. I think that is how people can stay friends. It is just having the mindset that you are not going to make something happen that would warrent a break. Maybe just accept that it is at its end and not cause drama to get out. It does not have to be an ugly ending. I think.
Yes! True, so true!
delilah

Life is beautiful and is meant to be lived not to be wasted. You want to have people around you who truly appreciate your presence and would feel great loss emotionally, spiritually and in every other way, should anything happen to you, not because they need you out of selfish desire but because they have allowed their hearts to be seeded with pieces of your soul
Well said. My mom always said, " If you go through life, having made one GOOD friend, then you've done well". I believe she was right.
Friendships, like marriages, need to be cultivated and nurtured by both parties, for a one-sided friendship, or marriage, usually does not last long. Before long, the party who is doing all the work, gets tired of being taken advantage of, and packs it in, for their own mental and physical health.
Sometimes we need to distance ourselves from those so-called friends, who are really offering nothing in return for our care and love. Before they suck the life right out of us.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this position, Decki. It's not easy. You are a wonderful person, and you deserve better friends, who will love and appreciate you.
Like we do here. HUGS, Delilah
Frank75

D - Sometimes we need to distance ourselves from those so-called friends, who are really offering nothing in return for our care and love. Before they suck the life right out of us.
So true. Blood sucking leeches really. Like the useful story in the bible about the tree that would not produce fruit. The master says "get rid of it and plant another". The Gardener says, "give me sometime to see if I can get it going!" The gardener is like a good friend, partner or spouse who keeps working at it well past someone who is disinterested, or dispassionate would have given up.
If it isn't growing it is dead or dying. Before a toxic relationship turns you toxic and bitter, get rid of it. Not in the absolute sense every time, but in the sense of what is healthy for your own well being. It is nice if you do it before you thoroughly hate the person, so at least thereafter you can still be cordial, polite or personable whatever suits the situation.
Life is too short.
As dubs we were taught to think in terms of what it looked like to others and especially outsiders if for example our marriages broke up. So many live such a miserable lie because of that propaganda. When they do face their last straw, there is so much hatred and resentment built up that that no civility is possible afterward. Children ultimately suffer if this happens in a marriage that falls apart.
I was always so impressed when I saw "worldly" people break up and then keep in contact civilly, even staying friends. Although I am sure it is possible, I never saw that ever inside the dubs!
Frank75
evita

I was so amazed to see this thread today. I am also dealing with letting go of a friendship.

Even though we're not super close on a day-to-day basis, I did consider us caring friends. We met when our kids were in pre-school together about 12 years ago. We also have friends in common and belong to the same book group. We have supported each other through some tough times and I thought we would continue our friendship.

But she continues to hurt my feelings by having parties and not inviting me and my family. The first time I just chalked it up to whatever. I don't expect exclusive friendship and I'm not a demanding or needy friend. And yet, she invites the friends we have in common but never me. I'm sure the next time she has a crisis in her life she'll call me. Am I just the "crisis" friend?

No one knows what to make of it, our mutual friends are confused and feel bad for me. I guess I could ask her but I think I am just done investing the time and energy. I feel like it's a sign that there is no more energy in the relationship and it's time to move on. I feel a little sad because we do have some history together but I'm relieved to let it go.

I agree with co co about the book Necessary Losses. I read it for a Psych class right after I left the witnesses. It had a profound impact on me and helped me move on in my life.

Hugs to all of you who are moving through these transitions. It takes a lot of courage to let go in love.

Eva

Sparkplug

People are always changing, evolving, growing. Sometimes the people in our lives don't go in the same direction as we do, and they quietly slip away from us. Other times we have to make the decision to let them go from our lives, sometimes for our own sanity and health!

That is where I am at in several relationships right now. They either have slipped, or in two cases in particular, I have made the decision to let them go.

NECESSARY LOSSES.

CoCO~ I think I will check that out. It sounds like it would be most helpful.

TwinFlame~Thank you for your kind words. I mean that sincerely.

Misanthropic~ I have done the loss stage once with this one friend, and this time, I really don't feel a loss...just relief.

Delilah~ I am discovering that even if they offer love and care back...if the negative outweighs the good...I need to go...just walk. Sometimes there is too much on this plate to deal with so much negative.

If it isn't growing it is dead or dying. Before a toxic relationship turns you toxic and bitter, get rid of it. Not in the absolute sense every time, but in the sense of what is healthy for your own well being. It is nice if you do it before you thoroughly hate the person, so at least thereafter you can still be cordial, polite or personable whatever suits the situation.

This is where I find myself at. Cut it while I still can be civil.

Evita~ I understand what you say about"she continues to hurt my feelings by having parties and not inviting me and my family. " I get that a lot. I don't try to have hurt feelings by nature, but when repeatedly I am left out, usually because what is being done is something I would really not go for, such as just go out pick up whoever and screw them...well I have to wonder, why are we friends. We don't even like most any of the same things and in fact I would find things she does most vile. I have never condemned her, for for a brief period I did those things too. When all was said and done, I did not find it as fulfilling as others. So I was true to myself and just stopped.

So if she can't talk to me about what she does, feels like she has to hide how she lives, and I guess the worst,,,constantly puts me down, I just don't want it. I am not reeally even mad. Just strangly calm and need to walk away. I feel that way about several people right now actually. I have this huge desire to clean out my home. Inner and outer.

I find myself examining a lot of people I have associated with as of late. I really hate letting people into my small world and then finding out they could not respect their boundaries...or perhaps could not control themselves and set some for themselves. I know people say to make lines as to what you will allow or not...perhaps I am in that anyone in my life that wants to join in on the taunting or the crossing of boundaries, or the leaving of me out, dong things they know will hurt me....they can just leave. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO tired as of late. Just damn tired of fighting for everything. I don't even want to anymore. I am happy with myself and I truly do not need the bull@$#. I just don't even feel like explaining myself to anyone of them either. Just let them go. Perhaps this is not the best way to deal or not deal with it. As I said, I am just tired, dissapointed, and don't have time or the fight. I really find myself just not giving a rats butt.

I expect loyalty from people and I seem to notice it is a hard thing to get. (Or get at the level I give) So I just assume that either I have hard standards, or I am circling with the wrong people. Perhaps a combo. Today the changes are all in the starting. It feels good.

I ponder on time with friends..

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