I guess partially because I turn 37 in a few days, and tomorrow morning makes 10 years at my job. My son has one more year at home, my daughter is in a huge transition and my youngest just needs a lot, these years are all I get at this age...I feel I need to bother with things that will mean something. If you are not going to contribute to my life, be loyal, be upbuilding and just be a damn friend without all the secrets then just go. I don't need the crap. That is how I am feeling. Just pressed for time and begging for some "real" in people. Sometimes it feels as if people want the best bits and parts of you, but give the best they have to others. I am kind of tired of that. I also see my priorities straight. It lies in my kids and not in phoney people.
I noticed at work, nobody is really happy for me, passing the ten year hurdle. And for my birthday they actually asked what day I want decorations up...I just felt like the way it was done was out of duty. Kind of like someone telling me they are throwing me a suprise party...when do I want it? It just really sucked. They don't really do that to others and at 5 and 10, 20 year anniversaries, they throw huge spread. I freaking have to plan my own if I want one. I just feel a huge sense of awareness as to where I fit in with a mess of people I know, be it at home or at work. I just need to let it go, walk away and focus on what matters.
I keep saying that, and doing that, so it is a bit half resolve, relief, and letting go. I am there with most subjects, and getting there with others. You know?