Humourous DA letter

by besty 45 Replies latest jw friends

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  Finally-Free

  Dear Sisters™,

  I am sending this letter to your attention because, as everyone knows, you are the ones who wear the pants in your respective families, and are the real "elder body" in the congregation.

  I am writing to disassociate myself from the organization. My reasons are as follows:

  1. Brother™ Assman keeps pinching my bum behind the magazine counter. Normally I wouldn't mind, but because I'm a pioneer™ I can only afford cheap suits, and there is now a hole in my pants where the seam has come apart. I can't come to meetings because I can't sew or afford to repair my pants. Since I can't afford underwear, I'm afraid I'll leave skid marks on the new chairs in the auditorium.

  2. Sister™ Buxom gave me the clap.

  3. Our "Presiding Overseer", your husband, keeps taking me to a local bar for lunch. We eat and drink so much that it's affecting my health. The exotic dancers are nice though, especially when your husband pays them for some private dances.

  Warm Christian Love,

  W
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  nvrgnbk

  I love it besty!
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  jaguarbass

  How about, I am resigning my position as a sales person for the watchtower bible and tract society. Due to economic conditions beyond my control, I have had to pursue more meaningfull employment.
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  R.F.

  How about, I am resigning my position as a sales person for the watchtower bible and tract society. Due to economic conditions beyond my control, I have had to pursue more meaning full employment.

  I like that one.
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  Vernon Williams

  I need some help: is this to "whacked" or filled with "black humor" to post?

  Dear Brothers,

  I believe I need to leave off the meetings and association with Jehovah's people...for now. I want, desperately to come back. Please consider the following and appoint, I beg you, one of the Elders to assist me.

  Have you ever thought about comming into the Kingdom Hall and shooting someone? Or, many? I mean "cap" a dozen or so brothers and sisters? I have and it scares me. I am going to see a medical doctor about this as soon as I can afford the visit and whatever therapy and medicaiton they recommend. I feel a sense of pent up violence to those closest to me. I do not know what to do.

  So, please, have one Elder visit me. I think an older or unmarried Elder would be best: someone without the responsibility of a family. Warn them to ring the doorbell in the following pattern: two long and three short rings. Be sure to do this. Do not stand directly in front of the door: stand off to one side when ringing.

  I do love you all so and look forward to working with you to resolve my situation.

  Thank you,

  XXXX XXX XXXXXXXX
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  besty
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  besty

  love it Vernon - nothing to dark for dark humour!! (usually best to leave children and animals out of it though)any more?
  
  I just got to thinking that humour is part of my coping mechanism for most situations - why not reach out to J-Dubs with some new publications:
  
  Crisis of Comedy
  
  In Search of Christian One Liners
  
  Combatting Cult Laugh Control
  
  The Genital Times Reconstructed (schoolboy I know)
  
  any more out there?
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  jgnat

  Besty, let's do it! I'd bring Valis out of the attic to help, by God!
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  brinjen

  I am writing to thank you for the lovely talk last sunday. You told me I must seek the truth and make it my own. Well I found the truth and you're not it. Goodbye.
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  OnTheWayOut

  I toasted the announcement that WTS settled 16 child-abuse lawsuits.

  I like smurfs and Harry Potter books.

  I was planning on wearing jeans out to dinner after the convention.

  I have not felt that the end is days or even weeks away instead of months or years, because
  the generation of babies from 1914 is still alive, and WTS said they wouldn't be.

  I set foot in a church and didn't feel like I betrayed Jehovah.

  I faked a field service report.

  I disagreed with something I read in a Watchtower and told another JW about it.