by onlycurious 35 Replies latest jw friends
Crumpet,
Your comment leads me to believe that this was habitual with your mother and (at least in your opinion) unwarranted. If you were mature enough to actually get to a hotel and then convince management to let you book a room, I'm guessing you probably didn't deserve to be hit. I'm glad you were safe and survived.
If my daughter ever kicks me I'll spank her ass and ground her for good measure.
She'll be ten soon and I've never had to spank or ground her, so hopefully the trend will continue.
I hope that if she ever has the urge to kick or hit me she'll have the presence of mind to realize that I'm not the one - before she acts on it.
Lea
Thanks for all your input. She is actually only 12 (13 in July) I'm not sure why everyone thinks she's 17.
Anyway, once everything cooled down late in the evening, I was able to get her to admit that she does speak to me disrespectfully and that she is aware of it when she does it but she doesn't really know WHY she does it.
I say she is a 'horomonal train wreck'. She doesn't act this way with anyone else but has started giving friends the 'silent treatment' sometimes and her friends don't even know why she is upset with them. Maybe it's just pre-teen (pre-PMS) girl stuff?
You know I think they get some of the disrespect stuff from watching TV. It's constantly on and they start to figure that is how they should act. My daughter is almost convinced she is supposed to hate me as a rite of passage or something....I tell her, hey lets try to buck the trend, shall we?? hehehe that makes her laugh.
I feel sorry for em, it's tough growing up for them too.
I say she is a 'horomonal train wreck'. She doesn't act this way with anyone else but has started giving friends the 'silent treatment' sometimes and her friends don't even know why she is upset with them. Maybe it's just pre-teen (pre-PMS) girl stuff?
Hormonal changes can make girls very hard to get along with. They often don't know why they feel irritable - there's no reason for it - they just feel like something is bottled up inside and they don't know how to deal with it.
Some empathy goes a long way - if you had trouble adjusting to hormones at her age, tell her that you kind of understand and that it's ok to have feelings she doesn't understand - it's the way some of us girls are wired.
How mothers handle their own hormonal fluctuations is often used as the acceptable standard when girls start going through puberty. This is a great time to introduce a daughter to some of the special things we do to take care of ourselves when we're going through that crabby time of the month. This is when I get my hair cut, or when I'll give myself a manicure and pedicure and take extra special care of my complexion. I'll have a bubble bath or curl up with a good book or watch movies that will get me bawling. I'll make a spaghetti sauce from scratch that involves a lot of CHOPPING and SLICING vegetables and SMASHING garlic, or I'll bake a cake that requires a lot of batter beating by hand. I'll scrub the tiles in the bathroom. I'll go for a long walk along the bicycle paths and find a quiet place near a waterfall to just sit and close my eyes and listen to the birds and water. Sometimes I'll bring a journal and just write whatever is on my mind while I sit in a calm relaxing place. I'll doodle on a piece of paper and see what develops. At one time (in my JW days) I've even been known to buy a box of cheap dishes at yard sales and if I'm having a REALLY BAD DAY, I'd go out to the garage, and just smash the hell out of them. The negative energy had to come out and when it was gone, I would just calmly sweep up the pieces of broken glass and put it in the garbage.
Part of what you want to teach her is how to handle these hormonal rages in a productive way, and another part is how to restore a calm and peaceful frame of mind.
If you don't have any of your own rituals, maybe this is an opportunity to find something that you and your daughter can do together.
Would it help if she got a job? Kids NEED to suffer - creatively. Seeing your paycheck nibbled away
by the government can be very instructive - and even inhibit thoughts about running away.
Other than that, you may want to find a local ToughLove chapter to give yourself some catharsis.
metatron
she does it but she doesn't really know WHY she does it.
She does it because she can, once she sees that you will not allow her to be rude and disrespectful she will change her actions, as far as a reward system is concerned I think you should keep in mind that no one should get a reward for acting the way they should.
Lola
I raised 2 boys with my husband. There was only one time where I smacked one of them good.
They were taught by their father to never, never disrespect their mother. Each boy tried it once.
The first had an issue when he had no clean laundry. He had been told, anything in your room needs to be delivered. He hadn't delivered laundry for quite a while and was questioning why he didn't have any clean clothing. I reiterated that it needed to be out to the wash and he said "THAT'S YOUR JOB".....in the most nastiest voice you have ever heard .I did not have a moments hesitation of hauling back and swinging a slap across his face. He was in shock for hours......it never came up again.
Neither has sworn at me to my face, (maybe under their breath) but neither would dare say it in person.
I love them to death, and would do anything for either boy. I think girls get a little more mouthy.
r
I lived through the teen issues. My child also was a dream at school but sometimes took things out on me.
When calmer moments prevail, I would have a discussion with daughter. She needs to first be told that you love her dearly, that you are proud of her, that she is everything you want in a child.
Tell her that now that she is older, she is to be given more leeway in choosing things, like her clothes, shoes, etc.
But:
Then I would explain that with age comes more responsibility. She is no longer a baby, and there are more grown up things expected of her.
They just need to know the rules beforehand. First I would appogize because evidently you have not made the rules plain and you need to make them clear. Explain in a nice tone that respect is due parents, and neither disrespectful speech nor hitting will not be tolerated. Consequences will come if this happens again. When you are through with the rules, ask if she understands.
When a situation arises again, remind her of the rule and that she said she understood. You could give a choice at this point. Do you want to continue with the way you are talking and get a consequence or would you rather stop this action? The first time or two will be a test of your resolve.
If she does not cool down and stop acting or speaking disrespectfully, then administer the consequences.You might explain what will be taken away, such as phone or T.V. priveledges, or friends over. DO NOT BACK DOWN, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS. They have made the choice, and will have to live with it. This will asure less of these episodes in the future.
]I work in a school where we have loads of training in effective discipline. Patience and sticking to your resolve will work.
Scully - you rock! There are times I could really do with a garage and some cheap plates too - and honestly I think mum needed that too. She was so awfully repressed it often came out so spiteful and horrid.
In answer to Nellie:
Crumpet,
Your comment leads me to believe that this was habitual with your mother and (at least in your opinion) unwarranted. If you were mature enough to actually get to a hotel and then convince management to let you book a room, I'm guessing you probably didn't deserve to be hit. I'm glad you were safe and survived.
I was smacked all the time growing up. You'd have thought they'd have worked out by age 7 I was enjoying the pain - I'd twisted it in my head to be a fun thing - a virtue of necessity I think they call it. Unfortunately, and I would mention this to any parents who think smacking is a good thing, - not only does it teach violence is a healthy response to a child, it also teaches that violence is an act of love and can lead your precious daughters to choose to be with violent partners. I chose violent partners and felt grateful when they stamped on my head repeatedly with their size 10's. I believe this is a direct result of using violent chastisement to express "loving discipline". I still find it very hard at times to really believe someone loves me if they wont hit me. That is hard to admit but its true and if gives a parent pause for thought on that matter then good. Nellie - I just booked over the phone before I set off from my home. And when I got there I persuaded them that my parents knew where I was and paid in cash in advance. I also went to the sunday meeting the next morning have made enquiries as to where the local kingdom hall was. Even in rebellion I tried to do what I thought was right.
