What do you do when you know you child is getting thier feelings hurt?

Heather

We just recently moved and my oldest son (9) is adjusting well, so far. There are lots of kids on the street and they are always outside playing soccer and basketball. I've noticed that he is having trouble with a couple of the boys....they are all very close in age...9 10 and 11. ..2 of the boys have been making him feel bad, i.e. saying outloud "what is HE doing here" and "come on, don't you know how to kick it straight". Before we moved he spent alot of time playing legos with friends but the boys here are more sports oriented. So he doesn't have much experiance with soccer and i did sign him up for the soccer team (per his request). So, 1 boy is nice to him but the other 2 pick on him. I'm trying to help build up his self esteem so that the other boys will not have a need to pick on him......( i think they feed off the fact that he does look very hurt when these thing are said). Has anyone been through this stuff.....help please with some suggestions.

ex-nj-jw

This probably has nothing to do with your current problem, but..

My middle son has big ears, they stick out like open car doors. He came home very upset once because a boy at school called him big ears, I had him look in the mirror and asked him if he thought he had big ears, he said yes. So I said why do you let them upset you over something you already know? If you look at that boy can you find something wrong with his looks? He said yeah, he has a huge nose (of course I had to keep my laugh in check), so I said see some people even adults find thing to pick on other people about because they are insecure in themselves. The best thing to do is say, yep, i got big ears, just means I can hear you better!!!

I was trying to get him to realize that people will pick on those whom they feel they can push around, make feel bad or ashamed to make themselves feel better.

Try to let your son know that he may not be the best kicker, or the most popular person in the group, but he has to be confident in himself for others to see it. Once he gets into sports his confidence will get a huge boost so just get ready to be involved with every kind of sport he can get into!!!

I hope my little tale did'nt go too far off track. I think with kids it's a matter of building self esteem in the wake of children being children who will pick on the one person that they feel they can get a rouse out of.

nj

Heather

Thanks...I understand that I need to help him build his self esteem.....he tried baseball last year and it did help some..i think part of it is new area new friends...SIGH I just hate seeing him sad and hurt

coolhandluke

i suck at most sports except ones that depend on brute force. i don't "talk like a black guy". major issues for a kid. for me the shift in my mind came when i just started agreeing with people.

"Your mom is such a whore!"

'Yeah, she is. In fact she decided to changer her mind about that charity lay last week and she wants her $20.00 from you.'

"You have buck teeth"

'Wow, that's orignal, did you think it up on your own or were you working on that all night?'

"Hey, its Domi-dick" (my name is Dominick)

'For liking girls you sure do seem interested in what I got in my pants.'

I dont know, maybe this stuff comes in time but perhaps you can share some of this with him. It took me a while to get it on my own but I wish someone had told me how easy it was to stand up to verbal bullies.

"You don't kick the ball straight."

'Yeah, but if I keep practicing, I'll get this. What are you going to do about your face?'

Maybe that was mean, but you get the idea. I hope this helps.

coolhandluke

if its an issue of self esteem, you've got to find something that he's really good at and keep showing him how superior he is with that thing. guitar, baseball, school work even... im sure you do and i'm sure that you praise him loads. maybe if it was something he could showcase that other people could see him be good at. mom's tend to be biased in the mind of kids.

bikerchic

So, 1 boy is nice to him but the other 2 pick on him. I'm trying to help build up his self esteem so that the other boys will not have a need to pick on him......( i think they feed off the fact that he does look very hurt when these thing are said). Has anyone been through this stuff.....help please with some suggestions.

I would invite these three boys to your house for some kind of function, maybe your son could think of something here. Let them get to know the whole family and maybe they will be less likely to disc your son. Just get to know the boys and them get to know you. You might also watch them play and see how they all interact with each other.

I know how a Mom's heart hurts when someone is picking on her kids! Hope it smooths over soon.

DJK

Growing up I had to deal with being picked on. To those who made fun of me, I learned not to show my hurt and often laughed with them. They quickly stopped teasing on me. I tolerated bullies a little longer and then fought back winning a great deal of respect even if I lost a fight. My middle daughter had this problem and I told her to use my method of dealing with it. It worked well for her too. It seems the cruel types lose interest if they feel ineffectual at being cruel and they move onto someone else.

Who are you?

So he doesn't have much experiance with soccer and i did sign him up for the soccer team (per his request).

Heather...good for you for being such an awesome Mom!!! In the world of boys and sometimes men, sports rule. Its a great way to release energy, develop coordination and teamwork. Soccer is a great sport because any size kid can find a position!

There is a huge gap in the physical size and abilities of a 9 year old and 11 or 12 year old. It is extremely rare that a 9 year old can keep up with highly developed 11 and 12 year olds. That being said, there is also usually a big gap between the kids who get formal instruction and those in the neighborhood pickup games...So with proper instruction and practice he should catch up quickly.

Take it from an ex jock that was good in sports... The more he develops his skills at all sports, the less he will be picked on in neighborhood pickup games. In fact being good at sports whether in pickup games or playing in High School will pretty much ensure his popularity and smooth social integration. Between boys at that age and up, physical prowess ranks #1. He probably already understands this. So when he totally grasps the concept that to get better he needs to practice, practice, practice...then he will be well on his way to being a sports stud.

The other thing to remember is that in organized team sports, a good coach does not allow kids to pick on each other. Why? Because most times, the kids with the biggest mouths are the mediocre players. The exception is the super intense and competitive over achiever who hates to lose.....but even that kid will realize the value in teamwork and try to help develop team mates without bashing them.

Practice is the only thing that will devlop his skills and make him better..ask the soccer coach what is on the market that will help him practice on his own. For example, there may be an inexpensive a portable mesh net that can be used as a goal that he can use for practice. Let him spend two hours a day practicing in the back yard. You will surprised how quickly he will catch up, then pass the others.

Trash talk exists even in pro sports....look on the bright side, at least the other kids aren't dissing his mother

nvrgnbk

Tell him to tell them to get bent.

And then hug him real hard and tell him some people, not all, are just assholes, they can't help it.

Tell him you love him.

Tell him you love him some more.

Nobody ever got hurt because their mom told them she loved them too much.

Keep up the good work Mom!

You're doing a great job Heather!

eclipse

When I have heard boys picking on another boy, I have called them on it.

I heard them picking on this one boy who was smaller than they were, and I said,

Boys! What makes you think you have the right to put down another boy? How would you like it if a bigger kid was picking on you and making fun of you? Would that feel good or bad?

So How do you think you are making this boy feel? Does it make you happy to make him feel sad? When you pick on someone else, you are really doing it because inside you feel bad. Next time you feel the urge to put someone down, THINK about how they will feel, and how it makes you feel.

It only feels good when you help someone, not tear them down.

They looked down at their shoes ashamed, (though I wasnt trying to shame them, only get them to be empathetic) and they realiszd that their words were more about making themselves feel better and feel tougher.....and they apologized to the boy they were picking on, and said they wouldnt pick on him anymore.

What do you do when you know you child is getting thier feelings hurt?

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