Are you a man or woman seriously desiring a career in the highly lucrative field of Religion? If so, you've made a very wise career choice! A career in Religion offers you the opportunity to utilize both your creativity and your dynamism. Your desire for wealth can be translated into dollars very quickly in the field of Religion, more quickly than most other businesses or careers. However, there are a few things you need to know to obtain maximum financial benefits.
1. Wrap yourself and your ministry in Old Glory, the Stars and Stripes. Or whatever the flag of your country is. (Note: This does not work very well with Canadians for some reason) In most people's minds, God and country are inextricably woven. Lacking the intelligence or education to rise above either their ethnocentrism or the propaganda/programming they received as children, the average man and woman are easy prey. Their knee-jerk patriotism is an "open sesame" to the man or woman who knows how to use it to their advantage. So, become a Patriot! (The United States Of America is the most Religion-friendly country among the developed nations. There are even Government programs in which the Pastor of a church can receive a monthly stipend to help pay utilities from the Government!)
It doesn't matter what your actual political affiliation is. To be a success in the religious ministry, you must at least appear to be a Patriot. Old Glory, the National Anthem, our Founding Fathers, our founding documents, tales of heroism in the Revolutionary War (and subsequent wars in which the USA was victorious--at that means Vietnam is taboo) all are grist for the Religion mill. Be creative! There are many ideas for integrating Patriotism into your ministry, successfully wedding Church and State to maximize giving from your flock.
Always have a flag of both your State and the flag of the USA in your church, no matter what the location, be it your living room (as a start) or a huge cathedral. Do not be too overt, such as in beginning a service with the National Anthem or Pledge of Allegiance, although these can be utilized during special times of year, such as when Independence Day is nearing, or when war is raging. This is an excellent time to pass the collection plate and ask for additional tithes to send much needed luxury items to our men and women in the service. Your church, of course, is permitted to keep a goodly percentage of the proceeds: 90% A goodly bit of that can make it's way into your pocket with some simple bookkeeping methods. Just give it some thought.
Whenever there is an issue that pits the USA against another country, this must be your motto (no matter WHAT your actual convictions are!): "My country, my country! Right or wrong my country!" The majority of Americans are primed by their upbringing to react to in a knee-jerk manner of acceptance and hearty agreement. Never forget this.
2. Know what the basic human cravings are, and base your teachings, sermons, actions on this knowledge. All people NEED and desire the following:
A. Transcendence or a Sense of Belonging. A need to belong to something or someone larger than the individual in both space and time. A few fulfill this need exclusively through belonging to a large family, or the military, or a club, but most seek it in the realm of Religion. So, recognize this need and emphasize the fact through your sermons and actions. By belonging to God we are part of God's people both here and now across the globe, and also in Heaven, and throughout all time: past, present, future. Even throughout the cosmos!
B. Direction and Meaning. The majority of humans are a herding species. They do not like to think for themselves or stand alone. Remember, the average American is indeed average with an IQ of approximately 100, a great many with even lower IQ scores and very sub-standard educations. They find comfort and strength in knowing their beliefs and convictions and core values are those of the majority. So burn this into your consciousness and always keep it in mind in all your doings as a Minister of Religion. Your stance on all social and religious issues should be that of the majority, both of your nation and of your congregation. Give firm rules of behavior, but do not be too overbearing. Religious people desire boundaries and authority to tell them what to think and believe, but they also like to rebel from time to time and kick up their heels. Recognize this and do not be unduly concerned. Most religious people are quite content with focusing their attention on the behavior of others while excusing their own.
C. Security. John and Jane Q. Public never have and never will outgrow the need for security, for a parental figure that takes the place of Dad and Mom. The harsh cold reality of an uncaring cosmos is not what they wish to hear. They wish to hear of a warm and caring cosmos in which everything has a purpose and is all a part of a Divine Plan of the Ages. A Divine Plan for their individual lives, as well as a Divine Plan for Life and Existence Itself. Some people anthropomorphize the universe, imputing Intelligence and Love to nature. Never under any circumstances imply that nature is indifferent, insensate, random. The universe loves each of your parishioners, and everything, even the senseless murder of a small child, is part of the Divine Plan. Keep this in mind as you teach and sermonize and people will flock to you for reassurance. Become their surrogate parent, and the Representative of their imaginary Divine Parent or Invisible Friend: God and/or Jesus or Krishna or Buddha or whatever.
D. Eternal Life. No one wants to hear that they simply cease consciousness at death, and then putrefy and liquefy and return to soil, never to rise again. The average person wishes to hear that they are Eternal, and will live forever in glorious happiness in some sort of "afterlife." Reassure your people of this, speak with conviction, and they will flock to you. Titillate their spiritual imaginations with tales of Out Of Body experiences, Near Death Experiences, miracles of contact from The Great Beyond, and your coffers will quickly fill with cash! NEVER give your flock any reason to doubt this. Your own convictions or lack thereof are irrelevant if you wish to be a resounding Success as a Minister of Religion.
E. Health. Medical science has not yet cured every disease. Also, there are numerous congenital deformities and genetic defects. Disabling injuries are common. So, be sure to tell your flock that God/Universe loves them and will HEAL them! American spend BILLIONS of dollars every year giving to Healing Ministries! You certainly would like a slice of that pie, yes? Recognize also the amazing ability of the mind to heal the body. If an ill person has great faith in a particular Minster of Religion, and that Minister lays hands on an afflicted individual, the power of their own faith in that Minister will often effect a cure! So never be shy about this facet of your ministry. However, do not make it as common as a penny either, and always build your flocks emotions up to a Crescendo, the Crescendo being the actual Healing Service itself.
F. Wealth. Everyone in America wants to be wealthy! Including YOU! So, make sure to teach your flock the Principle of Seed Faith. In a nutshell, this comes down to "give your money to God and God will return it sevenfold!" So emphasize the Tithe, "the giving of 10% of one's income to God." Always emphasize, with suitable examples (whether real or imagined), of persons who were made wealthy by following this Spiritual Principle. ALWAYS refer to this as a Spiritual Principle or Spiritual Law or Divine Principle, etc. Emphasize how God, who "owns the cattle on a thousand hills" will reward them for their liberal giving, for "God loveth a cheerful giver."
G. Hope The average person cannot survive without hope. Hope for more money, hope for healing, hope for meaning to their meaningless lives, hope for life after death, hope for their children, hope for the country, hope for the planet, hope for the cosmos. So, ALWAYS play to this need. Give your people HOPE. Hold out the carrot of hope and the mule will always move forward for the carrot.
I. Tradition. We hear a lot about the New Age Movement and alternative spiritualities, but the simple truth is that these are fringe movements. Certainly, money can be made in fringe movements, but not as much as can be made by sticking to the beliefs of the majority, of the Traditional beliefs of one's own particular herd, tribe, nation, or race. Play it safe and your coffers will always be full. Fringe beliefs are much more uncertain, sort of like investing in junk bonds. It's a gamble that usually doesn't pay off. The spectacular successes you read about or see on Oprah are not the norm, not at all. They are extreme exceptions. Most fringe ministries remain exactly that: fringe. Us modern language Bibles in informal situations, but stcik to the King James Version, The New King James Version, the 21st Century King James Version, or the New Revised Standard Version to maintain a continuity with the past. People love to feel "rooted" even though it's delusional. Make that delusion PAY!
Finally, take some courses in Public Speaking, speech preparation, and Religion. Understand your own Religion and those of others. The more you understand the competition, the better you will be able to demonstrate the superiority of the Religion of your flock. An immensely helpful book in understanding what makes people tick and using that knowledge to your own advantage is :How To Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. Also, How To Stop Worrying and Stat Living. The first volume will enable you to successfully manipulate your flock without their realizing it, and the second will be a source of unending sermon ideas.
For more information on how YOU can enter the exciting field of Religion and make out like a bandit, visit: http://ulcordination.org/
FIND A CHALLENGING AND REWARDING NEW CAREER IN RELIGION!
by FireNBandits 10 Replies latest social humour
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FireNBandits
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bernadette
hallelujah, amen
How To Win Friends and Influence People, by Dale Carnegie. Also, How To Stop Worrying and Stat Living. The first volume will enable you to successfully manipulate your flock without their realizing it, and the second will be a source of unending sermon ideas.
I know of a couple of congregations where those 2 books are staples.
bernadette
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FireNBandits
Hi Bernadette
Thanks for dropping by! That sounds about right vis a vis the two Dale Carnegie books.
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juni
And that my dear friends is why there are so many religions and how cults get started in the religous realm......
Good post.
Juni
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Narkissos
Funny, and deeper than that I guess.
Or whatever the flag of your country is.
Not sure it really works anywhere nearly as well as in the US of A, though.
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Junction-Guy
It doesnt work that well in blue states though, kinda the opposite.
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greendawn
That's the way it works in general but that's not how it should have been, religion will always be used for selfish aims.
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FireNBandits
Thank you Juni.
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FireNBandits
You're probably right Narkissos. I know it wouldn't work nearly as well in Canada. France? Je ne pense pas si.
Martin -
FireNBandits
Hi JG. You may well be right. My own experiences with Americans, whether Republicans or Democrats, is an inability, as I said, to rise above their ethnocentrism and childhood propagandizing. The religious people of America have the USA and the ancient Kingdom of Israel mixed together in what passes for their mind. They think that because our founding documents mention a creator and we put "In God we trust" on our money, that constitutes the USA the continuation of Israel. It's good to play to this ignorance if one wants to part the fool from his or her money.
Martin