My Dad

by KW13 16 Replies latest jw friends

KW13

I've never really mentioned my real Dad or our relationship but since we've just passed Fathers day i thought i would.
The man mum lives with now is my stepdad who i've never seen eye to eye with until these recent months and despite the pain he caused me in the past i feel that i should look out for him now (he's quite a bit older than my mum, in his mid 50's now...not necessarily old but he had a stroke and his mental state isnt what i would describe as normal). With him i've been on an emotional journey because i can finally move on from the problems he caused and even use my experiences for the better. Megan has played her part in this of course in more ways than one, her stepdad died recently and she didnt have the chance to forgive the things he did properly and it hurts her, i dont want that. I've told my stepdad he can be Grandad to Baby Noah when he's born because he deserves from happyness.
Anyway - my real dad.
Dad wasn't ever there for me as a child. He paid very low amounts of Child Support money (£1.50 a week which is just under 3 Dollars). That didnt even feed our cat yet alone me. Several times he came to pick me up and left saying i looked too scruffy and went without me. At the age of 3-4 that really hurt.
As an older child going on teenager i saw him hit my stepmum. Whatever bit of pride i took in this 'cool all round guy' went on that day because it really hurt. Apparently during the Divorce thingy him being violent came up and he shook it off calling her a liar, only recently did i remember this incident.
He has hurt me a fair bit during my life and in a sense i know he's never had a father to copy off but its no excuse because already i set out to be his opposite. Just before the wedding he said he'd only come to the Wedding and not the reception to make a point (because i'm not in employment apparently...when i was he just didnt want to believe it) and then he said he'd come and kick off with a family member when he saw them. Well i told him to F**K off and not show his face.
We had a bitter email exchange recently and things between us have gone from bad to worse, we left it on the terms we wont speak to each other ever.
Maybe one day he will grow up and see himself for who he is and then (only then) i will go and make effort to have a relationship with him. I don't want my son being affected by him. i dont see why my problems should become his. My dad was the man about town, with loads of GF's etc and one of the lads...he is still not aware he's almost 40.
Thanks for reading.
Mary

Well sweetie I hate to give you a compliment but I think you're more mature and have more wisdom and caring at your age than what your biological father does at 40. It's sad that he was never there for you and has turned out to be such an asshole, but I think you're smart in not exposing your (future) baby to the likes of him.
unique1

WOW, crazy. Sorry you and your mom had to experience all of that.
HAPPY PRE-FATHERS DAY!!
juni

Thanks Karl for sharing about your biological father. And your step father.
I want to give you a big cyber hug for standing up and being a good human being despite a wicked childhod and who has made the CHOICE to not be like your dad.
You amaze me! For such a young man you have more sense than some older people.
Little Noah is blessed to have a loving Dad like you. This time next year on Father's Day just think of all the good things you will share about your little guy....
Peace to you and Megan. We all await little Noah's arrival patiently. When is his ETA again?
Love, Juni
Mr Hyde

Karl.
This man has done just one thing for you. Donated his sperm, and that was only because it was something he enjoyed doing. From the sound of it hes caused you nothing but pain and hurt. I think its time to cut the line and let this one go and move on. My father's (I won't call him "dad") pretty much the same as yours, I got nothing from my relationship with him just hurt, so I cut him off completly. He's your father, anyone can be a "father", it takes guts and strengh of character to be a "dad", you don't owe him anything.
Sad emo

Hi Karl, I'm so pleased to hear that things are finally working out for you. What compassion you've shown to your step-dad. And as for your biological dad - well one day he might wake up and smell the roses. For now, you're right, he's better off to be left well alone.
All the best to you, Megan (and Noah!) for the future.
juni

Thank you Mr. Hyde for those words. I just couldn't bring myself to saying that to Karl.... but I agree w/you.
Close the door on the "sperm shooter"....... any idiot can make a baby. It takes a good person to be a real Dad worthy of respect and love. From what you've said, don't waste your emotional energy waiting for him to change or "understand". People for the most part are what they are --- and it doesn't sound like he has changed one iota. He DOES NOT/WILL NOT own up to the abuse he caused you or mom. That's the first step to change.
He has to figure it out himself. Life is too short to invest your time and emotional energies into whipping a dead horse so to speak. Direct your energies and love to those who care about you and your new family.
Juni ~~
bernadette

KW13 thanks for sharing your experiences with your dad and your step-dad
He has hurt me a fair bit during my life and in a sense i know he's never had a father to copy off but its no excuse because already i set out to be his opposite.
that's a very important point regarding the effects of our past experiences, we can make a choice and be determined to be different. But it means we have to step out into the unknown with courage and trust that we will be successful.
Maybe one day he will grow up and see himself for who he is and then (only then) i will go and make effort to have a relationship with him.
bernadette
KW13

Well sweetie I hate to give you a compliment but I think you're more mature and have more wisdom and caring at your age than what your biological father does at 40. It's sad that he was never there for you and has turned out to be such an asshole, but I think you're smart in not exposing your (future) baby to the likes of him.
Lol, them damn compliments, did you have too? Definitely more mature and i'm not being big headed its just the way it is. Not my fault is it!
WOW, crazy. Sorry you and your mom had to experience all of that.
HAPPY PRE-FATHERS DAY!!
Thanks for the Pre-Fathers day wishes!!! You just raised a very valid point, my mum suffered also even if it was her pride in how my dad was when he said i looked a mess. She did her best even if it wasnt amazing. Thanks Karl for sharing about your biological father. And your step father.
I want to give you a big cyber hug for standing up and being a good human being despite a wicked childhod and who has made the CHOICE to not be like your dad.
You amaze me! For such a young man you have more sense than some older people.
Little Noah is blessed to have a loving Dad like you. This time next year on Father's Day just think of all the good things you will share about your little guy....
Peace to you and Megan. We all await little Noah's arrival patiently. When is his ETA again?
Love, Juni
awww, thanks Juni! Little Noah in a sense is going to benefit from the type of things we all went through because even though we've suffered we LEARN and we have all become stronger for it. Looking forward to fathers day etc, even my Birthday is just over a month after he's born which will be amazing, although Christmas is going to be the best time Noah is due on 2nd September but judging by the size of megan it may be August lol.
Karl.
This man has done just one thing for you. Donated his sperm, and that was only because it was something he enjoyed doing. From the sound of it hes caused you nothing but pain and hurt. I think its time to cut the line and let this one go and move on. My father's (I won't call him "dad") pretty much the same as yours, I got nothing from my relationship with him just hurt, so I cut him off completly. He's your father, anyone can be a "father", it takes guts and strengh of character to be a "dad", you don't owe him anything.
You hit on something that had always bothered me. I felt i did owe him something as his son and i appreciate what you say. It does make it easier when i see someone else knows what i went through and can give me advice that works. Glad to see you back here mate, i look forward to having a beer or two with ya at some point.
Hi Karl, I'm so pleased to hear that things are finally working out for you. What compassion you've shown to your step-dad. And as for your biological dad - well one day he might wake up and smell the roses. For now, you're right, he's better off to be left well alone.
All the best to you, Megan (and Noah!) for the future.
Stepdad has almost earned it, he really pulled out the stops for the wedding and he's done loads to help the Baby situation better, he bought a pram today with Mum and he was dead excited showing us
Thank you Mr. Hyde for those words. I just couldn't bring myself to saying that to Karl.... but I agree w/you.
Close the door on the "sperm shooter"....... any idiot can make a baby. It takes a good person to be a real Dad worthy of respect and love. From what you've said, don't waste your emotional energy waiting for him to change or "understand". People for the most part are what they are --- and it doesn't sound like he has changed one iota. He DOES NOT/WILL NOT own up to the abuse he caused you or mom. That's the first step to change.
He has to figure it out himself. Life is too short to invest your time and emotional energies into whipping a dead horse so to speak. Direct your energies and love to those who care about you and your new family.
Juni ~~
You are right again, he often looked for excuses to avoid responsibility and still does to this day. I've given 18 years to him in a sense and got nothing in return for my investment apart from heart ache which really came up when i left the witnesses because he just didnt understand - only what he saw on panorama - he told me that i thought the world owed me something and i should get the chip off my shoulder....came from nowhere and i certainly dont blame the world, i blame no one apart from the Society and even now nothing they do can bother me anymore, i've moved on and got myself a family and a life. Thank you.
we can make a choice and be determined to be different. But it means we have to step out into the unknown with courage and trust that we will be successful.
bernadette, that is the thing we all realise when we leave the witnesses. yes we have been hurt and really we cant ever fully get our own back to make ourselves better but that doesnt make it right to be just like them. its the same with my dad, there is no way i could be like him ever! He actually doesnt speak to my Grandad either - in his life he has so many failed/broken/fragile relationships but its always someone elses fault...not this time.
gumby

Karl my little buddy, you never cease to amaze me in your maturity at such a young age.
It was a sad read to hear how your father treated you as a child and sad to say there are many stories similar to yours. Many who go through these things are affected in a way that is not too good and allow their lives to suffer in many ways, but you see through all the smoke and you evaluate things and try to make wise decisions. We all applaud you for that as you set a good example for everyone.
Hugs to you buddy
( I put the sheep in the middle so's you wouldn't touch my dinger when we hugged)
Gumby

My Dad

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