HELP - my boyfriend's ex called and wants them to reconcile....what to do? (page 3)

reneeisorym

Just don't him keep you wondering for long. If he can't decide in a week what he wants to do, let him go. He shouldn't even be considering another woman.

Don't influence or beg him to stay with you. If he doesn't choose you, you don't need him.

Ask him questions that make him think. Questions that he doesn't have to tell you the answers to. Is it really good for a child to have parents who marry only for his sake and not because they deeply, truly love each other? Children model their parents' behavior. If they aren't authentically in love, the child will know.

For me, I'd tell him you respect his decision, but I'd also ask him those thinking questions with no pressure for him to reveal his answers. Then respect his decision. "You can't hold on to something that wants to go. You gotta love it while you got it." Gloria Dump<.......parphrased. Cicely Tyson character in the movie Because of Winn Dixie.

FlyingHighNow

Okay, here it is from the script:

Gloria: Listen...

Opal...

you cannot hold onto anything
that wants to go.

Doyou understand
what I'm sayin'?

You just got to love it

whileyou got it,
and that's that.

tribane

The facts are simple:
A man should do what he can for his child, however this is no reason to get back with his X.
Getting back with his X is not necessarily doing what's right for his kid. In fact it could be just the opposite.
If he left her because she was a) cheating b) lying c) just a b!tch! then how's that going to help the kid?
He should stick his neck out and fight for custody if that's what he really cares about.

If it's not what he cares about, he's full of it and you should dump him and move on. There's a-lot of people out there that can make you just as happy, if not happier.

sass_my_frass

Ick, wow, he's sure keeping all his options open isn't he? I'll bet he thinks that you'll still be there when he breaks up with her for good too.

Juniper

Thanks for the input, all. :)

I'm doing some serious thinking about this one, that's for sure.

I asked him to make a final decision this week and to let me know what that is.

I gave him some things to think about while he makes his decision. He told me that his 'hangup' is that he is battling feeling 'obligated' to take her back, in the hopes that it is better for his little boy. He's worried about her running off and getting tangled up with some 'yahoo' that will mistreat his son - and feels that it might be 'the high road', even if it's what he doesn't want to do. I wondered out loud if their 'reunion' would in any way guarantee that it would never happen, as they had a volatile relationship right from the start.

He agreed that the chances of them staying together are pretty slim. He also knows that I am not, and never have been the type to leave 'when the going gets tough'. To me, the decision is simple, but I understand he has some guilt issues because of his son. He's a wonderful father, and his little boy is living proof of that.

I told him to think seriously about it, make a final decision, and I'll respect whatever that decision is.

In the meantime, if any of you all happen to have a crystal ball...........might I borrow it? :) j/k, hahah!

reneef

You are too good and sensible to be a door mat or waste too much time on this.

"Fighting" over a man or a relationship or an idea is wasted time. It's all on him. If he chooses not to make that mistake again, would you feel secure in the relationship?

Juniper

I feel that if he makes a decision not to go, then he's learned from his past mistakes.

If he decides to go back to her, then to me that means he truly prefers living in chaos.

This decision is going to tell me a lot about the man he is, and the man he wants to be. I won't wait for him or take him back if he chooses her and it doesn't work out. He knows that.

joannadandy

I have to say - Bisous gave some of the best advice so far.

I feel that if he makes a decision not to go, then he's learned from his past mistakes.
If he decides to go back to her, then to me that means he truly prefers living in chaos.
This decision is going to tell me a lot about the man he is, and the man he wants to be. I won't wait for him or take him back if he chooses her and it doesn't work out. He knows that.

Also the best thing you've said in this thread. There are some people in this world who can only function in chaos. In fact, when they get something stable and drama-free they will throw it away with both hands because it's not comfortable for them to be in a stable situation. Now, I don't know this man at all - he could need chaos, or he could need to feel like a hero - but honestly - if it's only been a few months - you perhaps don't know him that well either. This is a big test for your new relationship - and you are so right, his choice will tell you so much about him. If his ex - truely has changed she needs to spend a year on her own starting from when her divorce is final. She needs to get her own headspace right before she attempts a fresh start with him. As some others have said you don't need to be with someone in order to raise a child with them. Kids aren't dumb, and they know when the home situation is bad. I know it's a tough place to be in, but really there is no input you can give on this one other than your feelings about your relationship with him. Advice about his relationship with her is something he has to figure out for himself. Honestly, if you could influence him to do what you want and be with him - I doubt it would be very satisfying for you. You know what I mean? Like you said -- it's something you want him to choose on his own. Best of luck, it's a waiting game at this point -- try to keep yourself sane, and if it helps occupy yourself with other friends for the time being. A little distance during this time from him is not a bad idea so he can figure this all out himself.

Finally-Free

I'm afraid this whole thing will turn into a battle of 'who fights for him harder'. I'm not like that, if he chooses me, I want it to be because he loves me, not because I had the 'better argument'.

I've always felt the same way. If someone is with me it should be because we love each other, not because I can out-argue the competition. If he truly loved you the question would never come up in the first place. It should be a no-brainer for him.

I personally don't believe in couples who don't love each other remaining together for the sake of the kids. That's what my parents did, and it was a nightmare for me and my sisters. We never knew from one day to the next if our family would still be together, or if our parents would chop each other up - and maybe us too.

W

HELP - my boyfriend's ex called and wants them to reconcile....what to do?

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