Were You Surprised That Your JW "Friends" Dumped You After All These Years?

by minimus 46 Replies latest jw friends

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  Gill

  WTWizard - They are SOOOOOO Disfellowshipped! They deserve their misery!
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  truthsetsonefree

  It hurts, even though I expected it. My comfort is that with the WT's problems this may be temporary, at least with some. I brought out one friend and there is a world of unconditional friends out there. I am adapting and now one year later I have enough friends that while the JW thing still hurts I can overlook it most of the time. Besides, how many friends can one really have and be close to at one time? Isaac
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  minimus

  I'd be saddened by a very select few that would shun me. For the most part, i know they never really were my true friends. Period.
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  Gregor

  It hurts, but I recognise the behaviour - I'm ashamed to say I did my fair share of shunning in the past. So no, I'm not surprised that I'm being treated this way but that doesn't make it any easier to bear.

  Nic'

  You said it for me, Nic'.

  Cab1000 - Great point! "Tough love" is the strategy the WTS uses to turn normal, loving people into Nazis. They can turn their backs on flesh and blood who have never been anything but loving to them and justify it all by the self righteous argument that it is for their own good.

  Min. - The wording of your last post brought up a question. Are you still leading a double life? If so, I admire your hutzpa!
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  JH

  I think that friends in or out of the JW Org are only temporary.

  Roads cross for a whille and then you meet other people when your roads cross with theirs.

  I had college friends that I don't see anymore and don't wish to see, so it's not only in that religion.

  So, to answer your question, no I'm not surprised.
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  minimus

  I'm a "fader". I seldom see JWs and if I do it is usually at a funeral. Most talk to me although I know rumors abound about me and my life, especially since I'm divorced and my ex is no longer in either. But, I'm no Danny Hazzard in my approach. As long as my mom's around, I'll try to tread carefully BUT part of me doesn't care so much of what others might do to me (as in elders).
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  Emma

  I would have been surprised had they NOT shunned me. Even though I faded and was never df'd or da'd, I knew how I'd be treated by family and friends when I became inactive. What surprised me was how fast it happened; no one tried to "save" me, which made it all easier.
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  XJWNB

  I must admit that I was surprise at first. I thought that they were really my friends, but later I learn that they were only friends to me if I believe in the same thing as they did. I treat the friendship as a Military move, (PCS). Moving every 2 years for 20 plus years, you get use to losing friends.
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  willyloman

  No, not surprised that they "dumped" me, I expected that would probably happen. But what did surprise me was that they dumped me without calling me up first to find out what was up.

  We planned our exit by playing a convenient sick card when an illness came up at a really opportune time. Over the next several months, we missed a lot of meetings. We got an occasional call on the phone inquiring about how we were, but after those few phone calls, nothing. However, when we did get to a meeting everyone crowded around and wanted to know how we were feeling. It was kind of an eye opener - the love was conditional, based on whether you showed up at the hall or not. If you did, "love" (or at least "concern") was shown; if you did not show up, you were out-of-sight-out-of-mind.

  After some months of missing about half the meetings, some circumstances combined to cause us to miss meetings completely for three weeks. No one had called or come by in a month until the phone rang; it was the secretary, wanting to know if we had any time to turn in. I gave him a few imaginary hours and then played my next card. I told him we were going to be attending a hall nearer our home, that it would be easier with our illness, and did he want to let everyone know and just send our cards over to XX (the secretary in that congo). He made some "we-ll-miss-you" noises and said he would send the cards and a letter. Total violation of procedure, of course, but he had no apparent reason to doubt me.

  A month later I get a call from XX, who said, "Yeah, we got your cards and a letter that you were moving over here, but I don't think I've seen you at a meeting. I'm thinking the cards were sent in error. Is that true?"

  I assured him we really did plan to move over there but that our health had prevented us from getting out. I asked if the letter didn't mention our illness, and he said it did refer to it. He agreed to keep the cards and watch for us. He even offered to come by with another elder to "encourage" us and I said to call first because my wife wasn't always up to having visitors. He said that he would call first and hung up. After that, we screened our calls and never picked up unless we knew who was on the other line. About three weeks later he left a message saying he was checking in to see how we were doing. We did not respond. We never got another call.

  And that's pretty much how it has gone. We have received almost no phone calls or visits from anyone. And this is after 28 years as a dub, more than 20 as an elder. My wife was a pioneer, all our children pioneered out of high school, our home was "party central" in two different congos we lived in, the center of social activity for those congregations for nearly two decades. We were "prominent" as they say in the org and very well known.

  Despite all that, I knew we would be shunned by many or ignored or forgotten, whatever word fits the best. But I really thought some old "friends" would at least call me up and say, "Dude, what are you thinking!" I spent a lot of time rehearsing what I would say. I never got to use my canned speech. One elder and his wife dropped by twice many months later and I was gracious but declined an interview. They stopped coming. And that was it.

  I somehow imagined people would call and ask why we left. But I came to realize that people either already know why, or they don't want to know.
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  Gordy

  I suppose "stunned" was a more apt description in my case.

  People you had known for 25+ years. People you had round for meals. People who you laughed and cried with .

  Then when you need help and support - they all disappear. Even well before I had DA'd. In fact it was one of the deciding factors in me DAing.

  When I finally DA'd in 2001 of course then even my JW wife and two daughters stopped any contact with me.

  They just do not see that such an attitude drives people away. Yet they have this perverse idea that to stop any contact with you as being "loving" and will bring you back.

  Have always said if some had come to me and said "We'll help and support you and family, through this. Get you back on your feet." I could probably be still a JW. (Maybe now knowing what I know about the WT. I should thank them instead)