Make the Devil Happy

by moomanchu 16 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  moomanchu

  I got 10 out of 10 woo hoo !!!!! (this is a stupid e-mail from JW relatives, how encouraging)

  Make the Devil Happy

  THE DEVIL'S BEATITUDES

  Whew...talk about the hot seat. This one will make you stop and
  shudder! If the devil were to write his beatitudes, they would
  probably go something like this:

  1. Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to
  spend five hours a week with their fellow Christians -- they are my best
  workers.

  2. Blessed are those Witnesses who wait to be asked and expect to be
  thanked -- I can use them.

  3. Blessed are the touchy that stop going to the Kingdom Hall because
  they were ignored or accidentally slighted -- they are my missionaries.

  4. Blessed are the trouble makers -- they shall be called my
  children.

  5. Blessed are the complainers -- I' m all ears to them.

  6. Blessed are those who are bothered with the elders' mannerisms and
  mistakes -- for they get nothing out of their talks.

  7. Blessed are those who gossip -- for they shall cause strife and
  divisions in congregations & that pleases me.

  8. Blessed are those who are easily offended -- for they will soon
  get angry and quit.

  9. Blessed are those who can, but do not give their contributions to
  carry on God's work -- for they are my helpers.

  10. Blessed is he who professes to love God but hates his brother and
  sister -- for he shall be with me forever.

  11. Blessed are you who, when you read this, think it is about other
  people and not yourself -- I've got you too!
• 

  the dreamer dreaming

  can we leave my ex-wife out of this, please
• 

  eclipse

  Oh God, the Cultish Fear Mongering...What a New Low.

  Funny How They Never said:

  ''Blessed are those that remember all the flip-flop doctrines and quit because they couldn't reconcile that the light gets brighter, then darker, then brighter again, for they are my best messengers.''

  ''Blessed are those that fought to save their child by giving them needed blood, and they are now shunned by their family and friends, for I need more proof that this religion tries to kill innocent children.''

  ''Blessed are those that get humiliated in a justice committee before 3 men who ask inappropraite questions just to get their jollies off, for their tears do the preaching for me''
• 

  ex-nj-jw

  Eclipse,

  I couldn't have said it better!

  nj
• 

  eclipse

  awww, thanks ex-nj-jw
• 

  PrimateDave

  Truly blessed are those who know that the Devil does not exist.
  
  Dave
• 

  eclipse

  11. Blessed are you who, when you read this, think it is about other
  people and not yourself

  How Nice, so basically, you can't win.

  You know you're a good person, and you think you're a good JW too, but this email tells you, nope, sorry, you're the spawn of satan.

  How encouraging indeed.

  All of it implies bad motives on the part of the ''fallen away''.

  Never did it occur to the IDIOT who wrote this filth that the ones that leave do so because of false teachings and hypocrisy in the congregation / society.
• 

  Hortensia

  sanctimonious assholes. Reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw the other day: "it's a spiritual thing; you wouldn't understand." God those people are arrogant.
• 

  LtCmd.Lore

  Acctually the REAL Book of Lucifer goes something like this:

  The nine Satanic Statements:

  (1) Satan represents indulgence, instead of abstinence!
  (2) Satan represents vital existence, instead of spiritual pipe dreams!
  (3) Satan represents undefiled wisdom, instead of hypocritical self-deceit!
  (4) Satan represents kindness to those who deserve it, instead of love wasted on ingrates!
  (5) Satan represents vengeance, instead of turning the other cheek!
  (6) Satan represents responsibility for the responsible, instead of concern for psychic vampires!
  (7) Satan represents man as just another animal, sometimes better more often worse than those that walk on all fours, who, because of his "divine and intellectual development" has become the most vicious animal of them all!
  (8) Satan represents all of the so-called sins, as they lead to physical, mental, or emotional gratification!
  (9) Satan has been the best friend that the church has ever had, as he has kept it in business all of these years!

  Darn Watchtower mis-quotes!

  ---

  Then there are the 8 "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts" From the church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. My personal favorites:

  1: I'd really rather you didn't act like a sanctimonious holier-than-thou ass when describing my noodly goodness. If some people don't believe in me, that's okay. Really, I'm not that vain. Besides, this isn't about them so don't change the subject.

  2: I'd really rather you didn't use my existence as a means to oppress, subjugate, punish, eviscerate, and/or, you know, be mean to others. I don't require sacrifices, and purity is for drinking water, not people.

  3: I'd really rather you didn't judge people for the way they look, or how they dress, or the way they talk, or, well, just play nice, Okay? Oh, and get this into your thick heads: woman = person. man = person. Samey = Samey. One is not better than the other, unless we're talking about fashion and I'm sorry, but I gave that to women and some guys who know the difference between teal and fuchsia.

  4: I'd really rather you didn't indulge in conduct that offends yourself, or your willing, consenting partner of legal age AND mental maturity. As for anyone who might object, I think the expression is go f*** yourself, unless they find that offensive in which case they can turn off the TV for once and go for a walk for a change.

  5: I'd really rather you didn't challenge the bigoted, misogynistic, hateful ideas of others on an empty stomach. Eat, then go after the b*******.

  6: I'd really rather you didn't build multi million-dollar churches/temples/mosques/shrines to my noodly goodness when the money could be better spent (take your pick):
  
  Ending poverty
  Curing diseases
  Living in peace, loving with passion, and lowering the cost of cable
  I might be a complex-carbohydrate omniscient being, but I enjoy the simple things in life. I ought to know. I AM the creator.

  7: I'd really rather you didn't go around telling people I talk to you. You're not that interesting. Get over yourself. And I told you to love your fellow man, can't you take a hint?

  8: I'd really rather you didn't do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you are into, um, stuff that uses a lot of leather/lubricant/Las Vegas. If the other person is into it, however (pursuant to #4), then have at it, take pictures, and for the love of Mike, wear a CONDOM! Honestly, it's a piece of rubber. If I didn't want it to feel good when you did it I would have added spikes, or something.

  While there were originally ten "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts", Mosey dropped two on the way back down Mount Salsa, with eight remaining. This event partly accounts for Pastafarians' flimsy moral standards.

  Lore
• 

  nvrgnbk

  All hail Satan!

  Metaphorically speaking that is, of course.