hey guys.
sometimes im really next to crying (better: im crying).
i try to replay my todays conversation as good as i can: i showed my wife the km article (09/07 Questionbox) and asked her what she thinks of it. she read it and said something like "i can feel for the slave. thats important. good article". i asked her gently why does she thinks its important. "because its for the unity - if this wouldnt be forbidden jws were like all other religions where there is no unity". i said i cannot disprove this, but asked her at what cost this is achieved. she looked like a question mark. i said: "what if the the 'truth' isnt truth but we wont ever know because noone is allowed to test it". i cited the "examine everything"-scripture. she looked angry. then i made a mistake. i said: "when we cannot prove it we maybe preach for the wrong religion and preaching is useless if not a mistake". i saw the fire start burning in her eyes. "WHAT?! the ministry is useless? are you kidding? do you know what you're talking about???!" she got incredibly angry and told me: "at this point i dont wanna talk with you anymore". i thought "wtf?!" but stayed calm and asked her why she is angry. no answer. i told her i dont wanna upset her and that she misunderstood me. i told her that i meant "if we would preach that mickey mouse will come in 10 years and make the whole world to a big disney land preaching would be useless dont you think?" no answer. "all im saying is that it actually MATTERS whether the message is truthful to make the ministry the right thing to do - so how can we know that when we arent allowed to test it? in ministry we tell the people over and over again that they need to examine their believes and SEARCH for truth. only we as jws arent allowed to do it. can that be right?". answer: (shouting at me) "if you do trust in the FDS you dont even need to examine anything. but if you dont you dont have to examine it either because you arent a JW". that was a nice answer of her i think, but only to workaround the real question. also she told me "examining such things is satans thinking and not gods. discussing such nonesense is not good at all.". unfortunately i made a mistake and got louder too saying "but what some humans you dont know discuss and write down in some building in new york is automatically gods word? how do you know its true what they're saying?!". answer: "because i can read it in the bible". me (lowering voice because i hated it losing my selfcontrol): "you cant". she: "i can" me: "its not that easy, have you really tested it?" she: "more than you" me: "i doubt that a lil bit. havent you more likely only studied WTS literature with the bible only on the side?" then she shredded the km to pieces (lol) and ignored me for some minutes.
the conversation continued after that in a different way. talking about what truth is and i tried to show her the circular reasoning she uses. and some other things i dont recall very well (i.e. who shuns who when someone is DAed. is it the apostate who hates all jws or the jws. she think the apostate hates the jws and doesnt want to do with them in the first place. the apostate hurts the jws not the jws the one who left. my dear...) she started to debunk my arguments saying that i dont have any clue and should shut my mouth because i study not enough and dont spend enough time in service. -.- i told her i have that topic almost 24h a day in my head - more often than ever. fortunately i could calm down the fight because i apologized (of course she didnt) for being loud and told her over again that i need her support in that and that i dont wanna hurt her with it but i need to speak about with someone and shes honored that shes the one i trust enough. in the end i just stopped talking about that topic and everything got fine again (in fact the marriage is quiet happy... or would be if that 'jw-problem' would not exist).
later i cried about it alone. i really cant understand how she cant see whats going on. so ignorant. she has no real answer. if i ask her for an answer and point out that she has none she blames me for not pushing her studying more because thats why she got lazy and does not study enough to give me an answer. its so hard. its like talking to a freakin' wall. sometimes it seems to me she does not understand one word im saying and the more i try to explain my point the she doesnt understand it. i dont want her to agree when i say something. but why cant she think about my viewpoint even though she doesnt like it instead of getting angry about it?! why does it have to end in a fight? im a monster because i doubt humans who put themselve in gods position. the woman who promised me to be there for me even in bad times forgot to tell me that its only valid if i have the same opinion. if i do not i can only hope for hate. the funny thing is that i can relate to her thinkings... i mean some years in the past i likely wouldve thought in a similar way... not completely similar (im was always a lil' sceptic person), but i wouldve defended the "truth". but its incredible to see it on your wife when you see the whole thing with different eyes. on one occasion i told her (it was a mistake, i regret that) that i think one day she will open her eyes too. she said that she swears that this will never happen in her life...
thats a crazy world we live in. im in fear that this could destroy our marriage sometime. its so stupid. sometimes i even fantasize about suicide. i really feel worthless. its not only my wife. its everything. my whole life is based on the jws. so much pain, so much pressure, so damn lonely :"( it would be bearable if only my wife would support me instead of throwing me to the dirt. i dont think i would commit suicide ever but sometimes death doesnt look THAT ugly anymore. at least for many jws someones death is not as bad as someones deassociation... a apostate is maybe lost forever... a dead person only for a short amount of time. fortunately im not a weak person and i recover quickly from feeling worthless (going for a walk can do wonders). but that cant be healthy...
i nearly forgot: im still active. i live a minimum but active jw life. its a lot lieing. but it i cannot stand the consequenzes not to lie yet.
thanks for everyone who read this. thank you! --<--@
"good people do good things and bad people do bad things. only religion can make good people do bad things." - forgot the author
freeme
ps.: sorry for my bad english. i hope you can understand it nevertheless. english isnt my mother tongue. (sorry terry ;))