A bitter experience with my JW sister

by dawn48 24 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

• 

  dawn48

  Hi, This is very long, sorry, but I need to talk to someone about how I feel.

  I'm not a JW although for a short time I studied with them back in 1984 along with my younger sister. My sister became a JW in 1984 and about that very same time I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior, but did not become a JW as I disagreed with some of their teachings. I did and still do attend the Church of God.She has four children. Now 14,17, 23 & 26.The two youngest still living at home.

  My kids still live at home and are 18 & 23 now.Since we both Home Schooled our kids for years, I let her kids spend winter break, Spring break and summer break at my house. 7- 10 days each time. A good vacation for her and all expenses paid. We even drove two hours to pick them up and bring them back home. We gave her kids money, all the food they could eat, bought them clothes and things. paid for their movies, trips to the mall etc.

  She has never even had my kids over night. Of course they live two hours away and they have a very tiny house .850 square foot. Ours is kind of small also, only 1150 square foot)

  My hubby helped my sister and her husband remodel their house. And did literally dozens of home repairs for them.. And installed an aluminum carport for her free of charge that survived two hits from the 2004 Florida hurricanes.Her husband can't even change a door knob

  About 6 years ago she became very ill. The DR thought it might be MS. Her husband, also a Baptized JW lost his job and then she found out he was hooked on crack. He blamed it on her and said she drove him to it because he was depressed about her being ill. My husband who has a small home business, let him come live with us awhile, free room and board and hired him to work for him and tried to help him. He said he would help him all he could and her hubby cried. We gave my sister money for food, bills and clothes for her kids .

  .Her hubby eventually stopped working for my husband and got a job in his own town but he got into crack again and stole their food stamps many times to trade for drugs. He traded the family car in exchange for drugs. He was arrested for DUI and on and on. He was DF from their congregation as far as I know and she eventually kicked him out of the house. Anyway, she would call me almost every night to talk and cry for 1-2 hours and I would have her hang up and I would call her from my cell phone to save her phone bill. I had so much guilt about having a better life then she did with a very nice husband and stress over it and hearing her cry that my blood pressure shot up real high and I had a mild stroke, to which I still have short term memory problems..I never told her about the stress causing me to have a mild stroke.I didn't want her to feel guilty about it.

  She eventually got better, her husband supposedly got off drugs but was diagnosed manic depressive and so qualified for disability benefits and also now gets pills from a DR to stay drugged up. He was re-instated as a JW and she let him back home.

  Here's where the hurt comes in. My son just turned 18 and was very close with her younger son who is 17 and her younger daughter who is 14.

  They used to chat via the computer and play online games against each other. And my nephew and neice were here was winter break 2006. Around June 10/2007 my sister called to tell me she had some unpleasant news for me. Seems she was on the computer and stumbled onto some previous chats between her son and mine that her son hadn't thought to delete off their computer.. And she said in them my son was talking dirty talk like some worldly teens would, and admitted that her son used dirty words back, so she wasn't letting him off the hook either, but that my son had initiated the dirty talk about sex, girls etc.. according to the old chat logs etc that she was reading. Sent her sona link to porno. Plus he said something she thought was anti social. He believes in legalized gun ownership and he had said something about "wimps that want to outlaw all guns" . And he's patriotic and he expressed that in some old chats she had read, and she didn't like that, as they aren't patriotic at all. Well, that devastated me ( about him talking dirty and sending a porno link to his cousin) as I taught my son better and thought he wanted to please Christ.

  I was grateful she let me know and after crying and praying about it I had a long talk with him about it. He had been going through lot of depression the past few months and had gotten on some unsavory chat groups and just started mimicking how they talked and they had sent him the porno link. He seemed genuinely sorry and contrite about it and I later found a letter he wrote and kept to himself , saying he hoped God would forgive him.He has a part time job now and is taking welding classes and doing much better.

  But my sister has had no contact with me since June 10 th and her son is not allowed to have any contact with my son at all, although she says she still loves my son..

  My hubby is angry because we didn't turn our backs on her when she needed our support. And we didn't turn it on her husband after all he did either. We still talked to him. But he can be forgiven and my son can't be forgiven or talked to anymore?

  I think she feels that she must keep her son away from "bad influences" . Even if my son is sorry, it doesn't matter. He is tainted now. And it doesn't matter that her son will be 18 in Nov. He'll do as she says and not talk to my son, even if he wishes he could.

  My hubby who isn't with any religion is REAL mad and wants me to"unoffically" cut myself off from her. Just never call her again unless an emergency comes up with our elderly mother.

  I don't know how Christian that is but I am tempted not to call her again to even see how she's doing. Let her make the first call. My hubby said someday she will need something from us again and then she'll be calling us up again. And he said he might just put the phone down on her.

  Sorry this was so long but I am hurting over this. I love my sister and in a way I understand how she feels, but I love my son too.

  Dawn
• 

  BlackPearl

  I would do as your husband says, one day she'll call begging for help. Let her sort it out on her own. Sometimes we enable people, relatives, to take advantage of us by always being there to fix their problems. Does it ever seem some like some people always need someone else to mop up after them? If we always come a runin' to help out, we're just enabling them to continue acting like that.

  BP
• 

  return visitor

  Dawn,

  First i want to say welcome to the board, i'm sure there are many hear that can feel your pain. I am just breaking away from the JW cult myself and know the pain they can cause. They are taught that shunning people is an act of love and protection so it doesn't supprise me that she is not allowing her son contact with yours.

  And your husband is right, she will need you again, how you handle that situation is up to you.

  RV
• 

  choosing life

  Sounds like a break, like your husband said, might be the best thing for now. Don't look at it as permanent, just allowing her the space she says she wants. I know it is hard, but your husband is right.
• 

  dawn48

  Thanks BP and RV.

  To make it worse. I was talking to my mom tonight and she said my sisters oldest son who is 26 and a JW also, was playing basket ball at the park this past Tuesday and some teen also playing basket ball accidently slammed into him real hard and knocked out my nephews three front teeth and fractured the other teeth next to the missing ones. Her son had perfectly straight white teeth before.

  My mom said his mouth is swollen and he's in pain and I heard he has no money to get them fixed. The Dentist said it would cost $ 3500 + for partials, not to mention doing something for the teeth next to the missing gaps that have hairline cracks and fractures now. He and he and his wife barely make it on his pay check. He has no dental insurance and the teens parents are dirt poor and don't work.

  I heard he wasn't going to try and get it out of them because he said they don't have it to give anyway. Not sue or anything. The teen involved isn't a JW as far as I know.

  My mom said he looks terrible with no teeth in front and he has to go back to work like that next week. And he installs carpet in peoples homes and must talk to people every day.

  I felt compassion and almost cried when I heard about it as that son is a good kid who helped his mom out when his dad wasn't around. He got a job when he was 16. I wanted to call my sister and say how sorry I was to hear about it, as I heard she's very upset about what happend to her son . Yet my mind goes back to the fact that she didn't seem concerned what I was going through, when it involved MY son.

  So I didn't make the call. And she didn't call to tell me about it. At one time she would have.

  dawn
• 

  Dagney

  Dawn, welcome to the board!

  I am sorry for your pain.

  The deal is there are two sets of rules and standards. JW's and everyone else. Having gone through/still going through issues right now with JW relatives, they can act anyway they want, say anything they want about anybody, and not think twice about it, and I mean top dog elders. The arrogance is nauseating.

  What you've done in the past you have done for the right motive which is the important thing to God. Who knows what the future will bring...maybe your sister will reflect on your generosity and kindness, and you will have your sister again. In the mean time, you must do what is best for your family.

  Strength for the journey.
• 

  return visitor

  I felt compassion and almost cried when I heard about it as that son is a good kid who helped his mom out when his dad wasn't around. He got a job when he was 16. I wanted to call my sister and say how sorry I was to hear about it, as I heard she's very upset about what happend to her son . Yet my mind goes back to the fact that she didn't seem concerned what I was going through, when it involved MY son.

  Your sister's situation, and unfortunately her son's, it a direct result of the religion she follows. As I'm sure you are aware from your brief time studying with them, they are taught that the most important thing they can do is preach. They are encouraged not to go to college, not to get a good job that offers the type of benefits they now need, but rather to spend that time in the ministry. The organization doesn't care that your nephew now has to walk around without teeth, they will tell him that he should just see it as a test, and that others have overcome much more to keep preaching. I remember one assembly where they actually told an example of a person in a heart lung machine that dictated letters that could be mailed as a way to preach. (don't know if it was true, doubt it)

  It's good that you feel compassion for your nephew, if you want talk to your sister, express your sympathy but don't get sucked into paying for their mistakes, you have your own family to worry about. If you continue to bail your sister out everytime she has a problem she will never learn. In fact, she will say "Jehovah always provides"

  Don't be an enabler!!!

  RV
• 

  Hortensia

  when I started seeing a shrink recently, after my husband's drama, the first thing the shrink said to me was that I had the biggest codependant problem he had ever seen. I didn't like hearing that - and still don't - but the facts bear him out. Your sister is a user and you and your husband are too generous. I know you are a Christian, but the Dalai Lama said people don't grow from happiness. They grow through suffering. If your sister has to suffer and try to solve her own problems, in the long run it will be better for her and her family.

  Her son is working and can probably get credit to get his teeth fixed, or he may find some other creative way, such as taking a trip to Mexico where it is a lot cheaper, or something similar.

  As for your son, I think that it is normal for boys to talk that way when they talk to each other, and to investigate porn. I don't think it's terrible, but they do need parents who will help them see why it's damaging, not just forbid everything.

  of course I'm an old lady who never had kids, so keep that in mind!
• 

  lisavegas420

  Here's what I'd do ...for what it's worth. I'd personally call the 26 year old and offer to pay or loan him the money if I could afford to do so to have his teeth fixed. He is an adult and can make his own decissions. If he says no, than at least you know you did what you thought was best, if he says yes, than it is a deal between you and he and not something that needs to be discussed with others..especially people that arent's speaking to you anyway.

  As for the 17 year old and his cousin sharing porn. I would discuss my personal view on porn and let it go at that. He will be an adult and can do what he want's in a few months anyway. He will either look at it or not, he will either buy it or not. You can ask him and have him lie about it, or you can ask him and hear the truth. Or...just don't ask him and tell him you don't want to see or hear about it in your house.

  As for the sister, damn...what a bitch. She's brain washed just like mine...sorry.

  lisa
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  dawn48

  I just spoke with my mom. She said my nephews 23 year old brother offered to pay for his new teeth from his savings account but his older brother didn't want him to. The Dentists said he can make payments, but his mouth is swollen and sore so the dentist wants him to wait almost a month before he starts fitting him for partials. He'll get his teeth back but he has to go to work toothless for almost a month, and of course money will have to go to the dentist every month that they could have used for other bills.

  I personally don't have the $ 3500 + in my personal savings account as I don't have an outside job. I work part time for my husband and I send my elderly mom money every month because she can't live very well on her fixed income.

  My hubby has it in savings but I don't know if he'd spring for it as he's still mad at my sister and also I'm supposed to be having a surgery on my right foot due to a deformity that will cost $ 10.000. We have no health insurance due to my past health. It's hard for me to get it. Although when I told my husband about what happened with my nephew, he said that was terrible.

  Another things I was thinking about last night because I couldn't sleep.. When my sister was ill my husband helped pay for a lot of her medication. We helped pay for her accupuncture treatments sometimes too.

  When her kids were here he spent a lot of time with them. He would stop what he was doing in the shop and take us to the park, or nature trail and on picnics, or out to eat. He.even dropped them off and picked them up at the local Kingdom Hall here so they wouldn't miss meetings.

  My husband was about the only father figure they had around when they were small and up to their teens that they could count on. He was the one that was able to convince her daughter who was 7 at the time to let him pull her first loose tooth, when she was running around crying about it, and wouldn't let anyone else do it.

  I think back about how well we treated her kids and how easily she turned her back on my son in his time of need and I do get angry and tears do come to my eyes.

  What does my son say about it? "He said if she feels I'm too much an evil influence to be around she has her reasons". He said "It's what God feels that matters.". This is the "evil" son who used to hand me the $20.00 he earned working for his dad for the day, way back when he was 8 & 10 and ask me to send it to his, "Aunt Tammy to help out with food". Oh and by the way, her husband got to it first a few times she admitted later ,and spent my sons money he worked hard for , on crack.

  My sister told me once that even when her husband was at home when the kids were small, he never really did things with them, She said it must be nice to have a husband who loved his wife and spent alot of time with his kids.I always felt guilty over having it better then she did, but she chose him for her husband and to have kids with and I chose mine.I can't be responsible for how her life turned out.

  I'm sure she's bitter that my non church going husband lives a cleaner, happier life then her JW hubby.

  Now don't misunderstand., My hubby believes in God and Jesus although he doesn't go to church and he used to be a Buddhist.( he's Chinese) But he happens to think God must be very compassionate and that Jesus wouldn't shun people in their time of need.

  It doesn't matter if her son reaches 18. Jehovah wouldn't want him to associate with my son as he would be a bad influence on her son in her minds eye. If she has mentioned any of what happened with her son and mine to any of her elders I'm sure they would advise her to stay away from us. Even if my son is sorry for what he did. Using cuss words and talking dirty in emails and sending her son a porno link , I'm sure she will tell her son that's the way Jehovah would want it, so he won't speak to my son again, even if he's sad about it..Even though my son was having depression at the time and just got caught up in some stuff he shouldn't have, and is sorry about it now.

  I know it will be this way due to how she treats other relatives who have made mistakes.Their kids have been kept away from hers for years.Yet, her hubby had and still does have HUGE problems, but that's different. He's a Jehovahs Witness. At this point I don't care if five years go by . I am not plannning to call her first unless we have an emergency with my mom...

  Another thing that irks me about her.She lives a mile down the road from my mom and goes 3-6 weeks between calling her, and sometimes longer then that between visits.She purposely has no answer machine so my mom can't leave a message, although my sister has caller ID. When my mom calls she never returns the call, although she must see that mom called on her caller ID. I live two hours drive away and I don't drive. My hubby takes me to visit with her 4-6 times a year and I call her every Saturday.

  My moms diabetic and falls sometimes. If I didn't call every Saturday my mom could have been dead on the floor for weeks before my sister would know. I understand she has some anger towards my mom relating to the way we grew up. My mom said she guesses everyone can be forgiven for their past sins except her. I notice my sister had no problem acccepting the new washer, stove,dishwasher, china cabinet and other miscellanous stuff my mom got for her a few years ago on her credit card, which she is now in debt over.My mom told me last night that it does hurt knowing my sister usually only calls or visits when she needs something. I think she feels my mom owes her too.

  Sorry this post is long also. I had this hurt and anger pent up so I guess I was letting it all vent.

  I'm finally opening my eyes and seeing the light about my younger sister, thanks to some advice from some people on this forum, and it's not very pretty.You guys are better then a therapist. I feel better already.

  dawn