Reading Tijkmoo's original post about his experience (well worth a read all you newbies...) it made me think back to my experience of being a witness.
Up until 4 months ago I had spent my whole life loving being a witness (apart from twinges of discontent when a young girl being left out of attending friends birthday parties) and was a faithful sister who pioneered when possible and was a member of the quickbuild team in my single days. I felt it was the truth and there was no where else to go. I felt part of a special people that could be found nowhere else in the world - a true brotherhood - and had no doubts at all. I knew that others were critical of the society and it would upset me when 'brothers and sisters' were negative. I was aware that certain controversial teachings bothered the few, 607 for example, and disagreed with certain teachings myself (how to treat disfellowshipped ones etc) but always attributed this to human imperfection and it never stopped me believing it was the truth.
My mil is of the opinion that I had issues long before 4 months ago and that I have wanted to leave for a long time but this is simply not true, I was not looking for an excuse to leave - I sincerely thought I was doing the right thing until I stumbled across all the evidence that pointed out that all was not what it had appeared to be. When I found out the truth about the truth, my conscience couldn't ignore it and I went cold turkey with the meetings.
How about you? How long did you love and believe it was the truth for?
How Much and for How Long Did You Love Being In The 'Truth'?
by sweet pea 22 Replies latest jw experiences
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sweet pea
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Stealth453
I was in from age 4 until age 25. I was a pioneer, in bethel, and an elder. I moved to 'where the need was greater". I can honestly say, I never was in love with the "truth".
There was always something in the back of my mind that bothered me.
Now, I know what that was.....it was a lie.
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Crumpet
Dear Sweetpea - I think you are a woman of deep spirituality and conscience and had you been confronted with evidence before you would have left then too.
I was never happy in the "truth". Sometimes I felt like I had done something worthwhile when I gave a good talk and made everyone laugh - I always tried to come up with unique situations and made my five minutes into something off Whose Line Is it Anyway? I only ever really had one friend and he was with me from when I was a baby and we lived on the street outside derby. I never felt good enough, never felt a sense of belonging, never really mixed socially as whenever I did my parents would have a problem. I was only ever really happy when I was on my own miles from anyone on my bike cycling through the countryside with tears streaming down my face at the joy of freedom. Meetings bored me senseless even though I answered up and studied like a fiend. Field service made me feel sick although I usually did above the national average and never cheated on counting my time.
When I left the only thing I missed was my family and still do.
I love being out and having a clear conscience now. But I realise the experience is different for each of us and to someone like you who was clearly central to the congregation, popular and well loved I can see there would be much much more to miss. Remember you've only been out a little while, there are so many emotions to go through until you find your feet, but you have a good solid man at your side and now a realistic future and the ability and knowledge to give your kids the best start they can possibly have.
(((sweetpea)))
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Junction-Guy
I was born and raised in it, and from day one I didnt like it. I always used to daydream about what it would be like to be born in the 1800's before Charles T.Russell even existed.
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ninja
hey sweepy.....first thing that started me questioning was the NGO issue I got through google news alerts....I looked at the criteria for becoming an NGO and knew what they were saying wasn't true.....tbh though it floored me to find out things weren't all I thought....but at the same time I was strong enough to scrutinise my beliefs further.....when it all came down like a house of cards I couldn't in all good conscience go to meetings ever again....since then I see clearly the mind control affecting all the JW's I know....weird to see all those prisoners walking about.....ninja free at last...free at last
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coaster
SweetPea, what evidence did you stumble on? That is what I did, and it confirmed my numerous doubts.
I have always enjoyed time spent at JW wedding receptions that had free booze.
I also enjoyed the 15 minute recess as a kid between the main Talk and the WT study so I could go play in the creek!
Hell of a good time....coaster
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sweet pea
Stealth - gee, I wish I'd left when I was 25! Wouldn't have made those friendships that I am craving right now.
Crumpet - just goes to show what a mixed bag we all are here - I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it a better memory for you.
Ninja - are you feeling ok? That post was almost serious!
Coaster - I love your picture - Young frankenstein - a great film - it reminds me of a couple of our best friends who are still 'prisoners'. I found out about the mediator issue, then the UN and the child abuse scandal and then it all just unravelled very quickly. I don't remember the intervals at the meetings but fondly look back on the get togethers (weddings, barndances in village halls, assemblies at Camber Sands holiday camp, happy days young and carefree). -
WTWizard
Not very. During the first 8 months of studying, I saw an organization that seemed to have all the answers as to why the world was such a mess, and the specious reasoning about wickedness made sense to me.
Beyond that, promises of friendships did not materialize. They kept telling me that I needed to wait longer and do more. Things that were supposed to have happened upon studying got moved back to when I regularly attended the meetings, then when I joined the Theocraptic Misery School, then when I went out in service, then at baptism, then auxiliary pioneer, then regular pioneer, then Beth Hell and becoming a hounder, etc. It didn't take long to realize that things hoped for were not going to happen.
And my making it into the "new order" was tenuous at best. As I went on, the chances went down from very probably to probably to possibly to an outside chance with no deterioration in my service or meeting attendance at fault. They were merely creating problems where none needed to exist, and implying that my attitude wasn't one of not caring about blessings--but getting the work done beyond the best of my ability anyway.
Eventually I did what they told us not to do. Worse than reading Crisis of Conscience. Worse than those "damn apostate Web sites". Worse than associating with apostates. I examined things the way they were headed, and extrapolated my conditions for the "new order", if I did make it. Specious arguments, being held back from the opposite sex (and indeed being the reason why none of them made it, having forever to lament that), and having endless service in one form or another was not my idea of where I wanted to be. And neither was living as a cog in a God machine that only and always did what it was told to. No relationship with the opposite sex. No creating of any value whatsoever. No autonomy. No time to practice any of the hobbies that were so heavily advertised in the Asleep! magazines. No real music or videos. No fun. Was this the world I wanted to live in?
Essentially, I decided that the answer was a definite "No". In that case, it didn't matter how dim my chance of making it got: if the "new order" was to be crap, then the slightest effort to be there was not worth it. With that, I decided that it was best to ditch it, but gradually so I would not be mercilessly hounded or needlessly hurt feelings of the few people I cared about. And, once it got so there were no more I cared about, I totally quit going to any meetings, stopped service totally, and shredded every single one of my Puketower and Asleep! magazines, Daily Texts, and Kingdumb Miserys. And then I hit the apostate sites to find out that the whole thing was a scam after all.
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Crumpet
It is funny how different the memories can be! You talk about get togethers and holidays and barndances. I think a lot of it can be down to the experience your parents made it for you - I think yours allowed you a better one than mine. My parents were just intensely strict with me, though not with my sisters who were younger. But if we went to a wedding and there was a dance then I remember being told from stupidly early like 7 or 8 that it was inappropriate for me to dance with males...WTF! By the time I got to 13 or 14 and we did go to the odd garden party I was so fed up and angry with being constantly watched and constantly told not to talk to this brother or that brother too long that I just gave up and would take a book sit in a corner of the garden as far from everyone as I could be and refuse to eat, drink or speak to anyone until it was time to leave. And guess what my parents didnt like that either. Looking back they should have realised there was something wrong with their upbringing and that my inbred faults were just exacerbated by these. I can remember going to other congregations on holiday at 15 or 16 and young brothers and sisters coming up to talk to me and my mother standing in between until conversation became impossible. She did this at my own congregation if I tried to talk to anyone male. Childhood was just one long battle to keep me away from men. So so silly of them. Let kids make their own decisions.
Even when I left home at 16, sexually I behaved myself (apart from one instance where I lost my virginity for the benefit of the elders on my judicial) until I was ready to get naughty when I was 18. I dont think my mother believed this. When I moved back in briefly prior to my first reinstatement at 17 and we were friends for the first time in our lives I told her about life alone. I told her that I regularly had men in my attic room and spent whole nights alone with them, but that nothing happened. I made them sleep in the bed the other side of my room. She was quite shocked - she had such a low opinion of me she thought I must have just gone wild sexually for that year and nothing could be further from he truth. I was just very innocent and naive and I expected the boys and men I brought home with me for tea to have tea and to behave themselves. And you know what - they did. Not that they didnt ask or curse me for blue balls, but I wasn't disrespected once. It was as if people just responded to my innocence and trust by becoming so themselves. My mother of course found this very hard to believe given she'd spent the last 17 years guarding my virtue - in the kingdomhall - as if I was going to skewer someone on the backrow after the final prayer or something ridiculous! And of course believed that all men are prowling around like roaring lions. So you fathers out there, who fear the vileness of the youths hanging around your daughters should give them some credit and remember a lot of it is how your daughter behaves and the message she gives across. Of course you always have to look out for the rogue man. But on the whole I think men are wonderful respectful creatures if allowed to be.
One word describes the growing up as a witness - Suffocating.
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Mastodon
22 years... hated evey minute of it...