I'm in love and ... scared !!!

by RAF 32 Replies latest social relationships

outnfree

Oh, my! It's been a long time since I felt that scary, crazy feeling, RAF.

One thing I'd like to say is that I believe that if the relationship is going to be good, you don't need to lose yourself. Neither should he have to lose himself. If you want to do wonderfully nice things for him, do them. Don't do them to curry favor or to 'catch' him. Do them because he's a wonderful man, and you appreciate him. If he feels the same -- wanting to do wonderfully nice things for you, because you are wonderful, and he appreciates you -- then the two of you have something very special and something rare.

I hope it's true. It's a nice thing to wish for.

Amitiés,

out
Sparkplug

Oh, God, I know no joy as great as a moment of rushing into a new love, no ecstasy like that of a new love. I swim in the sky; I float; my body is full of flowers, flowers with fingers giving me acute, acute caresses, sparks, jewels, quivers of joy, dizziness, such dizziness. Music inside of one, drunkenness. Only closing the eyes and remembering, and the hunger, the hunger for more, more, the great hunger, the voracious hunger, and thirst.
~Anias Nin
Who also has been given credit for saying or writing, "The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."
Remember my sweet, it is not always a terrible ending and falling in love does not have to be a bad thing nor does it have to mean a neurosis or does it have to mean anyone OWNES you or your thoughts. Even if something bad came out of it, remember, there is always a tomorrow and a tomorrow and a tomorrow and I have always found it is so much better to try and fail then to sit and forever wonder what would have happened if I had only tried. (Within reason of course, avoiding the toxic people and obviously dangerous situations) You are a strong woman and to loose your identity would be hard. BUT to loose you freedom to try, for fear of pain or bad results is as if already living in a prison.
RAF

LCL: Why did you feel that way? Do you remember your reasons? Are they still valid reasons or do they no longer apply?
I've always had a need to stay away most of the time from people (even those I love) they are taking too much of my energy or I give them too much of my energy.
The fact that people think that I'm strong actually doesn't help me at all ... and that's even have been true regarding my mother ... when she left us (because she was in love, she only took my little sister with her which was 8 at that time) after a year of missing (being away) one of my sister who was 2 years older than me (15 then) asked her to take her with her, my mother said ok, it's my sister which changed her mind to stay with my other sister who was (16) ... a bit later I've asked my mother the same thing she said NO so I've asked her why was it ok for E and not for me, she just answered : Because you are stronger (WTF - I was 13) that's the very moment I've decide to have a kid because without something I could hold one with this life (in loving and being loved) I would just have killed myself.
The only compliment I ever had from my father was this (and I still wonder how he would know about that since I don't know him for real) he said : The one I will never need to care about is Corinne, because she's stronger (WTF)
Where do those poeple who are supposed to know me get this impression about?
I mean I'm talking about my mother and my father here ... They didn't gave me the choice : what was my solution really ? It was be stronger or kill yourself.
I'm loosing my balance when I'm stuck with people, I feel the need to really pay attention to them and I'm not really able to (full time, always or often) - I can only give the best of myself (actually what they are expecting since they can't understand that I can be weak) when I'm ready to(available psychologically), when I feel quiet.
I even get this kind of answers from my bosses (3 times in my life, by 3 different people) knowing that they were unfair with me to protect, themself or somebody else (love affaire / political matter / wickness) without any valid argument since I didn't want them to get away with it and got into verbal fights what I had to hear AGAIN (after trying lots of stupid excuses) was : ok you are right but Corinne you are Stronger (WTF), I still even wonder how they dared telling me that ... and what's even worst is that they also dared (all of them) to tell me that they like me very much but that's the way it is ... deal with it - to resume (I mean it's like saying I'm an a$$hole with you, but you can take it so ... why should I care - That's how they like me ...)
How can I get from 3 differents people, 3 different situations and reasons the same reaction. It's confusing ... it's like I'm doomed to be the one people i'm involved with (weither automatically in my job for instance or affectivly in real life) don't have to care about, just because they think I'm stronger.
Almost 2 weeks ago I got into a fight with my sister but at the end same answer : can't you just take it, you are stronger (WTF). And those are only a few easy to understand examples : What is this "you are stronger" excuse all about? ... isn't that a way to not take responsability in whatever they have to or whatever they do to me? Since that's what I said to my sister she said, "we can't see when you are sensitive" you should show it? HOW? IN FAKING anything special, What exactly? Can't they just take care?
Still I can understand, I can forgive but I can't take it anymore ... (I never took it in fact always finally reacted). Sometimes in a very cold way ... but they really got me to become either cold blooded or in flam ... I'm tired to take over ... I could, I did ... but I'm tired.
And now this feeling (and you have to realiased that I've started crying while I'm writting this) the feeling that HE can feel how sensitive I am for real ... I don't want to lose it ... And I'm also scared that it could only be an illusion. Again I don't know him for real it's just a strong feeling.
So it's like I want to keep it like a dream ... something untouchable ... I don't even need more ... (it's like it happened - and I can keep this feeling and remind it to me whenever I want to just in thinking about him, nothing have make it durty yet). I'm really not ready to stand to be disspointed about that. And that's putting too much weight on him, actually his shoulder (this is not what I want).
What I really want and need is not a man in my life, but this feeling (got it and want to keep it as is) wanting to give or get more would get me very dependant and I'm not sure it would be good either for me or for him.

LCL : You wanted to remain single. Why? Did you think it would give you a better quality of life? If so, has that proven to be false? Or do you think your life as a whole would improve if you persued this relationship?
I don't even really think about those details this way, I don't want to calculate wathever on the matter ... my life since the bigining is about get ready to be hurt and it always happen when I let myself go for real when I think "ho things looks cool" ... and BOOM !
LCL Do you feel dependant now? Regarding to the feeling (yes), regarding to the man (not yet - and that's the scary part)

LCL : Why did you not want to feel dependant? Do those reasons no longer apply?
They still apply as long as I won't be able to put all my pieces together, I'm not ready to deal with dependancy. (and somehow that's dependancy on myself but I can deal with it since I'm the only one I can rely on by now).
LCL : Seriously think about it. It's all about your quality of life. If this man will lower your quality of life, then stop now.
Seriously I don't know anyway, I'm more into quality of feeling (I or he can die tomorrow) it'll never be about quality of life to me.
LCL : If you can't stop now, why not? Do you think you are drawn to this man for biological reasons, psychological reasons, rational reasons, or spiritual reasons?
I don't know ... again it's all about the feeling itself.
Thank you Lore !
Outnfree
Actually all what you've said talks to me and I agree with all of it ... the way I see it today is : don't rush, don't expect anything more ... That's why I feel confortable with the idea that he can stay a friend more than he can become my man. Still I'm not closed to this idea (since I can dream about it), I'm just not ready (for a healthy relationship and not taking this into consideration wouldn't really help him or me).
Mes très sincères amitiés !!! (Ta fille est superbe !!! et elle me dit que vous vous ressemblez) au plaisir de te recevoir.
Sparky
You know what? I'm not even against the idea of being owned (really - because it doesn't really mean anything - since I can escape anyway) it's more about wanting to take care to not f*ck up something very, very, very, precious to me (and here for instance the feeling itself means more than any kind of relationship with him) so he can stay a friend, I just know that when he will have a wife (I might lose any occasion to get the feeling in live - but at least it will stay a good feeling to remind me about).
And that's the thing, I'm free, I want him to stay free (to give or not - I just need to feel it's true and unselfish when he gives).
Thank you Sparky !!!
I know I migh sound all weird ... I never fell normal anyway don't even think I should be (what is normality in fact?)
Sparkplug

RAF~I do relate so well to your feelings on being strong. I have gone through stretches where I have fought with battles in my head over the same issues of trying to understand or wrap my mind around the same things you speak of to LCL. Often I have wondered if concerning my kids if my being strong enabled the fathers to be weaker men than they are and just walk away. Figuring I am strong and have it under control. I wonder would they truly have abandoned them if I were not there? If I were a weaker woman? Having been told by one when I was venting about doing it alone, justifiably, that I was doing fine. In fact better than when he was around. I always have to wonder WTF are they thinking? How selfish is that? Do they think I WANT to be this strong? Anyhow, before I begin that rant in Oh so many areas, I just basically wanted to say that I truly understand that area of what you wrote.
I feel as though we write of the same thing, but lose a bit in translation. I too live for quality of feeling. That really struck a familiarity with me as did a lot of what you wrote.
So I try again to say it more clear, don't be afraid to have it all in "real life". That is the best way to put it. It does not have to be untouchable. I have read and reread what you have written and there is a reoccuring theme in it. I may be overstepping my bounds by writing this, but it looks as if you don't allow yourself to believe it is attainable to have and keep for you. Like perhaps life has been so hard and you have had to be so strong that your faith has been in your capabilities on yourself, but not so much in your belief that someone else will come through for you. If you keep things in love at a dreamlike level or untouchable and pure level, it is not soiled with ill feelings, you cannot be hurt. Perhaps you have no expectations so thus are not let down. Kind of like a make no demands and you cannot be dissapointed.
I don't know, maybe I am full of it, maybe projecting things I had to work through in simular situations. I think I am getting what you are getting at though. The best I can say is perhaps if you could see yourself as others do, (as I have come to see you) and I barely know you through this little screen and a keyboard, you would see what a truly amazing person you are. Although I am sure you are confident and strong and all of the things a person strives to be and you probably do this standing on your head and do them better than most, perhaps somewhere in there deep seeing you seem to do things so deeply...you truly need to see that whatever your mom and dad said out of inconcideration, or bad thought process.....it was wrong. That load should not have been put on you. You should not have been made to carry that load. You can't change that was what happened, but you can change what you carry now. You can let yourself accept that others don't have to carry it alone and people are willing to come into our lives and be there for us. Such as this man you met. You are allowed to be a weaker person and that is not a bad thing. You can let someone in and they can be close and you can be vulnerable and you will not break.
It is kind of like deprogramming oneself from being strong. They (whoever) should not have forced you to be unnaturally strong. You know, using a conditioner. Softening up. It is hard on other people at first because people who feel so deep have a lot in there. People who have been so strong have deep things. But people like you also have so much to add to anothers life that it is not a burden. I noted you said that you did not want to put that on anyone. Take a look girl, anyone that gets what you give gets someone who has truly lived and if they are awake enough to notice you are not this strong creature and they can see past the veneer and see that you have this side that needs the same as anyone else and allows you to do it when you are ready, then that probably is the kind of person that has the makeup that would appreciate and thrive in the gifts you have to offer. A person who would appreciate quality of life with you.
Now I don't know this man, but I do know that even if this were something you tried and missed on, I would think that perhaps actually living and trying would feel so good and alive to a person as you then safe and empty bags of air. (feelings not completed or held safe and untainted at a distance instead of close and "in life") You can give yourself the same chances you would anyone else. Now if I missed the point completely, tell me to bug off.
What do I know, I am still learning to give myself chances...lol
RAF

Now if I missed the point completely, tell me to bug off.
... NO WAY ... Sparky : I'm speachless (I guess You've nailed it for most things)
The electricity of my building have been shut down this night for 2 hours - It was cool - I've put some candles and it actually leaded me to meditate about the matter (instead of getting busy to not think about it).
and well the answer came clear :
I wasn't scared to lose the man but the feeling was the precious part of it all. This feeling I had it (I can remember it whenever I want to) ... But the most important thing was to know that I can feel this way at least ... but I also know I can lose it from him (at anytime), but since it's not him which is important (by now and maybe never) WTF am I supposed to be really scared about?
I mean he is not the feeling ...
Simple finally ... whatever will happen with him I actually already had what I needed (something new and valuable for my mental health - and I was turning it into something toxic in mixing everything).
Thanks for all your imputs somehow you all step by step leaded me to it, I just needed to assimilate it my own way.
kuddos
RAF

This is how I would put it shorter : I wasn't in love (or maybe I am for real but it's not really important), what was important for me to understand is that I was overwelmed and over reacted to it.
changeling

I rarely even read the threads under this topic but yours caught my eye.
If you have never felt this way before, by all means explore this situation! Live life fully and deeply. Have no regrets.
changeling
By the way: Who knew Terry was such a romantic??? He blew me away!
RAF

Changeling :
by all means explore this situation!
Believe me I will ...
He called me yesterday night (he have my phone number since we exchanged our business cards the 10th may - so it took time for him to call) - to tell me he was going on holliday and be back the 25th - he was asking lots of questions too - couldn't find my words I fell like a kid - to the point I fell the need to cut this conversation short saying "have fun, see you the 25th" ... LOL ... I guess I'm messing up here but that's all I could do - so no regrets anyway) ...
About Terry (yeah ... that was truly spiritual)
codeblue

(((RAF)))
What a thread!!!
When I speak to you, you should know I am a "hopeless romantic". I take the challenges and fear and put it aside for the prospect of having and giving love to a person.
IF this person makes you feel like you never had, I would say it is worth the "love risk". You don't want to "quit him" (sorry bad term from a movie...lol) and then years go by and "wonder if"? Do you?
It is quite a scary thing to reveal our true selves to another person. It makes us quite vulnerable and transparent. You have to decide if this is "worth it". ONLY you can decide.
You are a beautfiul, intelligent young woman that may be "scared" because of whatever has happened to you in your past. Breaking free from those emotional fears and getting "real" with yourself and your wants can be a way to fly with your own wings. Trust is a huge issue, whether it be with your own "gut feelings" or just living life open enough to "trust the wonderful guy" you are speaking about. (He does sound wonderful based on what you have written)
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
I wish you all the best, and I wish I could be there in person to chat with you. Please keep me posted, and remember I am always available on MSN chat...ok???
love ya,
Codeblue
RAF

Thank you (((Codeblue)))
I agree with that ... I know being scared won't help
I have to get prepared cause I'm leaving with my sister in a hour or so ... will take my time to answer ... cause you brought an interesting question here ...
Love ya
will get in touch with you maybe before ... (If I'm not sleepy when I'll be back tomorrow morning and if you are online)
have nice evening !!!
Thanks a lot to those who PM'd me too : Smootches !!!

I'm in love and ... scared !!!

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