In therapy yesterday, I came to the conclusion that I've either got to figure out how to live with my JW hubby or abandon ship. I'm looking for stories here...successful mixed marriages, divorce stories and how you got there, all of it. I need to figure out my breaking point and others' experiences, I'm sure, will give me insight!
Calling all Non-JW spouses of JW's or others in mixed marriages!!
by Mrs. Witness 12 Replies latest watchtower bible
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lisavegas420
Is your husband interested in joining you in therapy and saving your marriage? It takes two to make a marriage work...if he doesn't want to join you, than that might be your answer.
Also..if you do decide to stay with your JW hubby, find something to do on Tue and Thur, or when he's doing JW-stuff that you arent' interested in. A club, bowling, a class........and when he goes to assemblies, you can meet people that live close by...(neighbor) or do some site seeing on your own.......Do something you enjoy, it's YOUR life.
Good luck, each mariage and each person is different.
lisa
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RebelWife
Hi, Mrs. Witness. I feel the same way sometimes. I'm here because I'm trying to figure out how to live with my "walkaway" husband. Sometimes I think I can't stand it anymore, but then everything goes back to "normal." (My guy isn't in or trying to get back in, but it's only a matter of time before that threat comes up again.) Makes me nuts. When it comes up, we have a huge argument, and I think it's all over. I do see progress, though. I try to avoid the meltdowns, because it pushes him away from me and toward IT. Is this how you feel most of the time, or did y'all just have a big blow-up?
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restrangled
I'm looking for stories here...successful mixed marriages, divorce stories and how you got there, all of it.
Live your life. If your life revolves around your partners JW mindset, then you are caught up a never ending cycle of totally unneccessary drama. If you stand firm in your convictions and just live life according to your ethics and values, then what they say or do is up to them. Live and let live.
Edited to add: If you have kids, then it is a different story. Fight like hell to raise them as normal children should be raised. No compromise here. JW's let the WTS raise their children, sorry but its true. That is just plain nuts. Don't compromise your children for the sake of keeping the peace.
R's hubby
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carla
Lots of different ways to handle it. It does seem to come down to that though doesn't it? Learn how to live with a part time spouse who will put you second to the org, cong and wt or leave. Wait it out and hope they see the light one day? I have seen some ubm's (unbelieving mates) who are simply waiting until the kids get old enough to be on their own so they can control the jw situation with the kids, some ubm's go to the meetings with the jw but do not believe, some still try to debate and open the eyes of the jw, some get to a place where they basically live in the same house but that's about it, a million different scenarios.
If you go to a therapist are they familiar with jw's? How can a therapist be helpful if they are not informed about the cult or cults in general? Just wondering how many therapist out there are truly educated about cults and what membership by a family member does to the family dynamics.
Whatever route you take I wish you all the best! If you have kids, please protect them from the jw's. In my case there is no way in hell they would ever go near a kh! It would truly be over my dead body. No fear of that now, they have been informed about the wt blasphemous doctrines, hypocricy, scandals, pedophile problem, etc....
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RebelWife
I just read your story. Wow. We don't have kids, but there are quite a few similarities there. You're living in hell. My husband announced his intentions shortly after we were married. Not on the honeymoon, but it still blew me away. Good way to start a marriage. Yanked out the very foundation -- trust. After about two years, he finally admitted to being deceitful by planning ahead of time to return after we were married. And he feels bad about it now.
My main thing with him now is how he feels about "worldly" people. I'm working on that one with him. (I hate feeling like my husband is a lab speciman.) He still won't admit that we're all doo-doo, according to his belief system. I don't care. I'm pursuing that line, because I know what they think. I want some good quotes. There was one from a Dec. 15, 2005 magazine that referred to us as "household pests," you know, like cockroaches. My questions to him run along the lines of: Since you believe they are right, do you feel that way about me? Since I fit into the "worldly" category, how can you not? What's it like to make love to a cockroach? Do you think about that when we are? Does your religion say that everyone who doesn't follow them is a cockroach -- except for YOUR wife? Since you don't believe that about me, what are you going to do when your friends start badmouthing me/worldly people? Are you going to stand up and tell them they're wrong?
Sorry for the rant. There were a lot of good thoughts on that thread. I particularly agree with GaryBuss' thoughts. When things get really scary for him (either because I'm being pushy or because of outside stressors), he talks about going back. He has decided abandonment issues and his childhood was horrible. I believe he sees the religion as a safety blanket because of the rigidity and the promises it makes. It's escapism, as are all addictions.It's great that he goes to therapy with you. Mine won't. I take that back. He recently said he wouldn't go if it had to do with religion. Seems like it would be better to keep to the issues that cause the addiction, things like his fears. If anybody, especially the therapist, talks about religion, I think he'll pull his head back into his shell and your husband won't be in the room anymore. I would like some counselling to help us with the WAY that we argue. These are just some of my thoughts on MY bunny-hop with MY husband. This is a great place to learn. I lurked for a long time before posting and it's helped quite a bit. The main thing is to be gentle. Hubby's in hell too. His brain and his heart are being pulled apart.
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garybuss
I quit the Witness group years before my wife did and we really didn't have huge problems while our sons were small and while we were acquiring and servicing debt. When our sons started to leave the nest and the debts started to get paid off I had a few hours of leisure time and I preferred to spend those with my wife . . . but she wasn't usually available due to Witness sponsored activity or due to social events I wasn't invited to.
After a time of struggle, I accepted that I wasn't going to change her and I set out to enjoy my life without her as she preferred. I joined a motorcycle touring club and I was active in that group. I'd invite my wife and if she declined, (she usually did) I'd go out to eat or take a trip without her.
I'd ask her if she wanted to go out to eat on Thursday night and she'd say no and when she got home I still wasn't home. She'd ask, "Where were you?" and I'd say, "I asked you if you wanted to go out to eat and you said no". Same thing with weekend trips. I'd ask her if she wanted to go Saturday and come back Sunday, and if she said no, I wouldn't say anything more to her, I'd just pack up and go without her.
Soon I had more going on in my life than she did and I had a complete separate circle of friends. I didn't do it to control her. I had given up on her. I just needed a life and my life sure wasn't going to be sitting at home alone waiting for her to return from whatever.
In 1992 the Witnesses started shunning me after 18 years and it didn't go over well. I became vocal and public in my criticism of the Witness group and by 1995, I had set up a telephone message line and I was running daily ads in the local daily newspaper. When I started that her Witness friends disappeared like rats in the spotlight and her social invitations stopped. She was disrespected at the meetings and she quit going. -
lesterd
It is really a multi layed situation, how long has hubby been a JW? many times a new one wants to convert the world and doesnt have the understanding why everyone cant see it their way. One who is truely a Christain at heart will never impose his will, teaching or religion on the one he loves, he will live it, teach it by example. There is no reason for him to treat you differently, except for deep respect and understanding, exersicing Gods love towards you. The only problems he could have is, if... you have practices, habits, that violate the witness creedo. Your love is your bond and if his religion is going to damage that then it is on him, and he will not only lose you, but if what he believes is true, he will lose his life too. When the princeples of the Bible are applied to marriage it can only be better, but twist it and it can be devestaing. I guess it comes down to sharing him with the org, time and energy wise. But if he practices what he preaches he should be a shining example of what a loving husband can be, which should make you a happy wife.
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lesterd
could you provide a page # or artical title? I would love to pass that on, I couldnt find it just skimming the CD
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Mum
It depends on the individuals and the situation.
I tried to stay with my JW husband and my JW life. All I asked was to be able to take some classes at the university and have a part-time job to make my life somewhat tolerable. He said no. I went into a deep depression and was catatonic for months. Finally, he said it would be okay to take some classes if he didn't have to pay. I got worldly relatives to pay. But he didn't like my having any happiness in my life. He kept after me until I couldn't take it any more.
In the first place, I had nothing in common with him except being a JW. My daughter told me once that she never understood how her father and I got together because, after years of observation of both of us, the only thing she could find that we have in common is that we leave the caps off pens. My husband and the elders were mocking and hassling me for taking classes. I was falling apart emotionally. I had to leave to try to recover my sanity. If I hadn't left, I would have had a complete breakdown and ended up in a mental institution.
So, if your spouse can work with you and make compromises, you might be okay. If not, you will, as you say, have separate lives under the same roof or under different roofs.
Regards,
SandraC