Is Fading Worth it?

by undercover 14 Replies latest jw friends

  • undercover
    undercover

    From time to time members of JWD will post an experience of receiving a letter or an email from a still believing family member or friend encouraging them to "return to Jehovah" or the "organization". Sometimes an intense amount of guilt is applied to the letter receiver. Guilt for having left Jehovah or for turning their back on their family/friends. Sometimes publications are sent, or scriptures quoted or referenced.

    I feel for those that have received these communications and how it must hurt to be on the receiving end of that kind of twisted logic.

    But yet sometimes I wonder which is worse...to actually have someone attempt to play their hand at trying to convince you back to the fold, or to be ignored completed and whispered about behind your back.

    While I am not DFd or DAd, I am completely inactive, having only been in a Kingdom Hall less than a dozen times in the last 5 years. To the JWs that I knew, it is apparent that I have left the organization, not only in faith but in my appearance and habits. With the exception of a couple of early on sheparding calls and one brother who has tried miserably to get me to go to a meeting once in a while, hardly no one, family included has ever sent me a note, letter, email, anything trying to tell me that the end is so close and that I need to turn around. The subject of anything Witness related is whispered whenever I'm in the room or car. It's like their afraid to even mention anything in my presence. Once in a while a close family member will make a snide comment about coming back to meetings, but since it's done is such a snide way, I usually change the subject or ignore it.

    In one way I'm glad that I'm ignored this way...so I can ignore them back. But then again, sometimes I wish someone would show some iniative and attempt to 'witness' to me. Sometimes I just want to come out and lay it on the line and dare them to prove to me that the end is around the corner, that the WTS has all the answers when they've been wrong so many times before.

    Living a fade is easy and hard at the same time. Easy in that you don't have the shunning pressures that DFd or DAd people have. Hard in the fact that you can't just come out and say what you really think or feel about some subjects. You have to keep quiet when other JW family members go on about something that you know you can create a hornet's nest by making one or two comments...comments that show that you don't accept the official doctrine or position of the GB.

    It's like waiting on the other shoe to drop. Any day now, maybe, someone is going to corner you and insist on your intentions and want to know what's going on. Some may fear that day, wanting to keep the "invisibility cloak of apostasy" on as long as possible...but as more time goes by, the more I'm ready to say what I think, what I believe, what I want and to hell with anyone who can't accept me for me as I am and not as they expect me to be.

    Just a little venting this afternoon...felt good to express myself

    Thanks for humoring me by reading this...

  • Emma
    Emma

    I think it depends on your family. As soon as I became inactive, I was treated as though disfellowshiped. Perhaps there would have been some satisfaction on my part to be proactive and DA myself.

  • minimus
    minimus

    If one isn't ready---if ever---to give an explanation as to what is believed---then, that's what it is.I won't apologize for not expounding on what they want to know. Who are they??? NOBODY. I don't have to account to them!

  • greendawn
    greendawn

    It depends on the personal circumstances some don't want to have family bonds severed and they also don't mind not expressing their real opinions about the dubs, for them it's enough that they no longer contribute anything to the org. So it's also a matter of personal psychology.

    I didn't mind DAing but then again I had no family in the dubs to worry about.

  • Priest73
    Priest73

    I just walked away. Inactive. Faded. Whatever. I didn't feel like I owed anyone an explanation.

  • choosing life
    choosing life

    Fading is a long process. I hate the fact that I can't say what I think. Then I realize that it wouldn't do any good right now. It would have to fall on an open mind and my family has not shown that yet.

    I call it the "in between land", because you're not a jw, but still restricted by their nonsense if you are trying to maintain family relationships. I have grown children I raised in this mess and I feel personally responsible to get them out, if possible. They are such beautiful persons and I would love to see them spared a life of waiting for Armegeddon, like mine has been.

    For this reason alone, I say it is worth it.

  • changeling
    changeling

    What's the alternative? To DA and lose all contact with witness family? To stay "in" knowing it's a bunch of nonsense and sit through every meeting wanting to scream?

    Fading allows us to walk away and still keep our family ties. Sure, we don't have the freedom to tell witnesses how we really feel, but I can live with that.

    changeling

  • Sassy
    Sassy

    it definately depends on your situation.. I had hoped if I faded to still have contact with my mother.. She treats me like I am disfellowshipped.. so I dont' think I managed to get anywhere..

    I don't DA myself, because what purpose would it serve, except perhaps to help them clean up their records... I don't live by their rules any longer, therefore why would I bother to inform them how I felt about anything..

    I've just moved on

  • willyloman
    willyloman
    sometimes I wish someone would show some iniative and attempt to 'witness' to me. Sometimes I just want to come out and lay it on the line and dare them to prove to me that the end is around the corner, that the WTS has all the answers when they've been wrong so many times before.

    It's been said that the primary reason to fade is to keep your family relationships somewhat intact while buying time to develop other interests and make new friends. At some point, if you've done those things, you won't care what the congregation does or does not do to you. And by then your family will have made its own separate peace with you, or demonstrated that they're not going to.

    The process of educating yourself about the "truth about the Truth" will immunize you from having anyone step up and "prove" that the end is around the corner or that the dubs have all (or any) of the answers.

    The goal is freedom.

  • OnTheWayOut
    OnTheWayOut

    Are you my twin? Most everything you said, I could have said.

    I wonder which is worse...to actually have someone attempt to play their hand at trying to convince you back to the fold, or to be ignored completed and whispered about behind your back.

    I haven't fully decided which is worse. I am happy to be ignored by the congregation, but know they
    are the same people who practically embraced me as much as months ago.

    It's like their afraid to even mention anything in my presence.

    My mother is afraid to discuss things that will force me to say "I am not a believer." She avoids the
    subject. My wife avoids JW stuff most of the time. It's the 800 lb. gorilla in the room.

    In one way I'm glad that I'm ignored this way...so I can ignore them back. But then again, sometimes I wish someone would show some iniative and attempt to 'witness' to me. Sometimes I just want to come out and lay it on the line and dare them to prove to me that the end is around the corner, that the WTS has all the answers when they've been wrong so many times before.

    I sometimes want to totally argue with their position, but they have ignored me. In the long run, I think
    they did me a favor. I would want to "WIN" an argument, and there really is no winning with these folks.

    Living a fade is easy and hard at the same time. Easy in that you don't have the shunning pressures that DFd or DAd people have. Hard in the fact that you can't just come out and say what you really think or feel about some subjects. You have to keep quiet when other JW family members go on about something that you know you can create a hornet's nest by making one or two comments...comments that show that you don't accept the official doctrine or position of the GB.

    This is so true. Even saying HA to some things my wife's friends say would be a huge bomb eventually.
    While I have had very minimal contact with JW's, I have had some. I so want to say things, but I don't.
    I so want to openly do things, but I don't. It's a tough job to fade.

    On the plus side, you can try to fade and maintain a fade, and you can change your mind later. You can
    end a fade anytime you like. The only way to end a DA and switch to a fade would be to get reinstated.
    FORGET THAT. So I say, "If you can handle it, fade. If you change your mind when it gets difficult, at least
    you tried. Try to hold out until you can't stand any more."

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