Hi everyone.. I need some advice...!!!

Redbeard

Hey! I'm new to this forum as a user, 'been hanging around for a while and enjoyed reading the posts here,
this site has provided a lot of confidence and encouragement to me through harsh times. So nice to know that
other people out there struggle with the same issues as me. I'm glad to be here, and salute you all, calling
myself by the name of 'Redbeard'.

I really need some advice about what to do in my life. I am currently fading, but have come to realise that
no matter how hard I try to stay in good standing with my family and my past, I will sooner or later be standing
at a crossroads and will have to take the final decision. And this is what it's all about.

My story in short: I am a young man at 21 years of age. I was born and raised in the truth - the good old story.
5 years ago I found out that I didn't really wanted to live as a jw (too late as I was baptized some years earlier).
I then reconciled with the 'truth' because of my family and the fact that I still lived at home.

Three years later, as I graduated from danish high school, I gradually found out that there was something rotten
in this religion - oppressive elders, crazy commandments from the organisation etc. This led me to examine the dark
side of the 'truth' and for the first time in my life explore the 'apostate' info on the internet - and then, one
and a half year ago, I was finally convinced that I had been deceived all of my life.

It took me a long time to get used to this thought, in many ways I had to rebuild myself completely as so much of me
had been built on the truth that was a lie. What kept me around at that time was my girlfriend (with whom I broke up
because of great unsettlements about the organisation) and my friends that I lived very close to.

A half year ago I moved to a new city to start a new education and started fading for real. And I found out it's very
hard to establish a decent life from scratch.

This leads me to the point of this post: I have built up a very strong network of jw-friends that I really care for.
The last two or three years I have been very popular among those friends, regardless of my very independent lifestyle.
They love me, even though I am rebellious, have long hair, an earring, have very stong opinions, go out to drink a lot
and listen to heavy metal - and I love them.
They don't shun me because of how I am and how I look, even though they know I'm not very fond of the organisation,
of field service etc., and it's the same with my loving and caring family. I sincerely love them, and until recently
my family and friends was all I really cared about in life.

I know that if I'm walking out, I will lose contact with them all, and worst of all it may break up my family, as my
mum isn't attending the meetings anymore, although still believing, which makes my father very sad, but not reproaching.

If I'm going, I don't know what will happen. I have the choice of leaving for good, continue with my 'worldly' girlfriend
that I love and have recently met, and live my own life.

OR I could go back inside and keep family, friends and still have the 'worldly' friends that I have found, though I
hate the organisation and everything it stands for, hate the elders and their power and don't believe in anything they say.
I know they will accept me and love me as I am, but I will have to ignore the facts and accept my life, and I will not
be able to go into politics and to have sex before marriage. This I can live without though - I'm not used to anything else.

I bet many of you have been in the same situation at some point. What did you do? And why? And what is your advice to me
- which road should I take? I so much hope to hear from you. Thank you all for being here.
Redbeard :-)

WLG

If there is an easy answer...I don't think anyone here knows it. You have some choices to make. Sooner or later you will get to a crossroads of being true to yourself and doing what you were taught to do...lie very well. It's like they say about the truth, once you know what you are doing...you have some big choices to make.

It sounds like you have a "following" in people. If it's what you want and believe is best, you may be able to help some others who are in doubt. watch for the ones that are always in the carpet for getting out of line. Those are the ones having doubts...only they may not know it yet. Start with some well planned questions that they cannot answer.

Also work at developing your network of friends outside the org, if things go badly you may need the support.

Good Luck.

WLG

eclipse

post deleted due to technical difficulties.

Redbeard

Hi Eclipse, thank you for correcting the layout, tried to do it myself but it didn't work.. and somehow it seems your post has been deleted too :-( But thank you both very much for taking your time and giving useful response :-)

GoingGoingGone

Hi Redbeard and welcome to the forum!

I'm fading too, and I also grew up a JW, and have always had really good friends in the org. My only friends, in fact, since I never was allowed as a child to have non-JW friends, and as an adult never had a need for non-JW friends. I had plenty of the JW-variety.

I think that it sounds like your fade is going well. If your mother doesn't attend many meetings, it may well be that she has doubts of her own that she's not ready to express yet... maybe not even to herself. Your JW friends sound like they are very liberal, and not afraid of being around you even if you do appear to be 'bad association.' These things are both unusual, and very good for you!

By all means, make yourself some worldly friends!! But if your JW friends are willing to remain your friends, I don't see why you would have to give them up. Except for the fact that you might have to watch what you say about the WTS around them, it seems like they think outside the WT box.

When I stopped attending meetings, my JW friends began to ignore me. Even my very best friend hardly spoke to me, although she admitted that she missed me terribly. But the last month or so, they have begun to drop by and call, and I guess we'll see where it leads. I've been out long enough now for them to see that I'm not a raving mad apostate who is trying to drag them out of their precious organization. Your friends, though, might just follow you out!

Good luck to you in your journey, whatever you decide to do!

GGG

Bonnie_Clyde

Clyde would tell you, "Live well. That is the best revenge." That does not necessarily always mean materially, but to live your life in the best way that you can, establish a good reputation for honesty, integrity, and caring. You will probably still lose most of your JW friends, but I'm willing to bet that a few will come looking for you.

Believing as you do, I do not think you can continue staying with the JW's for too long, but I'm all for taking it slowly (as you are doing).

Love, Bonnie

B_Deserter

Duplicate post below

B_Deserter

Welcome to the board! I think there are two possibilities here:

Your friends see you as "salvageable," you are in the world, but with the right amount of "help" you can be persuaded to head back to the Kingdom Hall.
Your friends have experienced sensory overload with 1 Cor. 15:33. It's drilled into our heads repeatedly and we're all so sick of it (and I do mean "all," even witnesses who won't admit it) that it doesn't even phase anyone anymore.

If the former is the case, then I wouldn't trust your friends at all. You're only popular because you're a "pet project." When people become "weak" in the religion, they are viewed as property, shiny medals for some pioneer, elder or ministerial servant to put on his/her mantle. Think about how the witnesses refer to people they study with as "my study." How many people come into the church where everybody knows who "brought them in" for years. Even though they know you have doubts about the org, you are still viewed as a trophy. The "worse" you get, the more desirable you become. Your long hair, piercings and worldly girlfriend give you huge antlers, and you will have them until you become inaccessible to them (disfellowshipped, disassociated).

If the latter is the case, then your friends probably feel quite similarly to what you do. I would do what an earlier poster suggested, ask them a question they cannot answer. Be sure to do so in the right tone of voice. If the witnesses perceive you are attacking them and have already made up your mind, you're going to lose everything. Make it seem like you haven't made your mind up yet, that you are asking that question with an "honest heart." This will make them think about it more. Try to make them feel like they can talk about the witnesses freely when you're around as well. If you think about it, some of them probably have made their mind not to be witnesses either. Just look at all the people on this forum and others that are still going to meetings and keeping up appearances. Each one is incredibly alone because he doesn't know that the person sitting in the row ahead of him feels the same way.

Again, welcome to the board. Sounds like your fade is just about over anyway. You got a non-JW girlfriend, an education, and the beginnings of a life. The best thing to do is that if you do end up disassociating yourself, send a letter to all your friends stating why. Make this letter different than what you send the elders. Assure your friends that this letter is between you and them, and that you will not reveal who the recipients are. This way, you've provided your friends that may want to leave an avenue of support. They may all tear it up, but they'll at least remember that you're there for them.

ex-nj-jw

What do you want to do?

You have to make choices in life that will benefit you. Do whatever it is you feel you can live with, don't do it for anyone else.

nj

Shawn10538

Keep making new worldly friends. Your JW friends will desert you eventually. There is nothing you can do to stop this. Slowly but surely start phasing out your Witness friends and phasing in your true friends, your worldly friends. Back yourself up. CYOA.

Hi everyone.. I need some advice...!!!

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