Dilemma - What can I offer my wife if she leaves the witnesses?

by truthseeker 38 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Check_Your_Premises

  Being an unbelieving mate is always tough duty.

  You are married to someone who is absolutely certain that she has the truth. You therefore by rejecting it, can only then be ignorant or evil. You have to then prove that you are neither.

  I do this with all the dubs in my life. It takes a little time but they learn to back off and respect you. You do have to show that you do believe in God, and the tenets of Christianity. You have to be even more committed to what you beleive than they are. Be a BETTER christian than they are. This is just for show mind you. I don't think that such metrics should be applied to our faith. But it is important FOR THEM, to show them that you can be a very decent person without being a jw.

  There you are, demonstrably, not evil.

  Now to prove you are not ignorant; pick a subject, any subject. Preferably find some subjects that you can REALLY clean a jw's clock on. Blood is probably the easiest mark because it is just so ghastly, awful, and completely WRONG from the standpoint of the scriptures. If you need help with that let me know. I have a write up of 41 questions on blood that has really gotten quite a few dubs to back off with their two-bit, snobby attitude.

  Now that you are armed with a few very understandable subjects that force you to reject the jw as a matter of CONSCIENCE. Simply reiterate that theme, time and time again.

  Most importantly, you must check your attitudes. One of the hardest things to do is to be RESPECTFUL of your wife's beliefs. But that is the thing. If you want her to give you respect, you have to respect her. And that goes with all JW. Yes, I think they are a cult. Yes, I think my wife is under mind control. But I dont' come at her that way. I simply have given up all my resentment towards her for being a jw. I respect her, and I know her faith in the jw is very important to her. I wouldn't want to hurt her in any way. I do hope that she is able to overcome this spiritual addiction, but I also know that I have NO CONTROL over that outcome. I counsel, I provoke thought, I never try to disrupt her beliefs. If she is ready to question, she will question. And I will be there to help. She will have no shame, or regrets, or I told you so's coming from me.

  Just some fuzzy, 5am before my coffee, braindroppings.

  Matt
• 

  sweet pea

  CHY - can you post your questions on blood for all of us please?
  
  Thanks in advance.
  
  SP
• 

  eclipse

  I have a write up of 41 questions on blood that has really gotten quite a few dubs to back off with their two-bit, snobby attitude.

  I too, would like to read your write up, CYP!
• 

  Satanus

  You could offer her new friends and new activities w those people. Hard work and taking some time. Make worldly nonjw friends yourself, and bring them over for her to meet. Slowly, it will dawn on her that there are many good nonjw people.

  S
• 

  truthseeker

  Thanks everyone for your comments, I shall consider them.

  It is very difficult to resepct my wife's beliefs - they used to be my beliefs. It's like watching a fly deliberately go into a spider's web, even though they know the spider is there.

  I shall have to bite my tongue and say nothing.

  She's already making "worldly" friends, so this is a major milestone.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  You can respect your wife's opinions yet still say as you want about the society.
  You can keep quiet out of respect to her (or the desire to avoid arguments) yet still skip meetings.

  Just tell her that that is the way it is with you. You will not attack her opinions, but refuse to
  keep yours stifled. You will go to as many meetings as you want to, or not. Tell her you are a
  good person who does and says [the things that make you good] and you are a good husband
  because of [the reasons that make you one]. So if she has the inability to let you speak your
  mind or attacks you for skipping meetings, tell her the two of you need to go to a professional
  counselor.

  I know it's easier said than done, but you gotta be you. Insist upon it.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Now, she says just by the act of me not believing it's the truth, she feels she's lying for me by going to the hall and pretending what a loving, spiritual couple we are.

  Nobody asks her to pretend. You won't be able to openly defy the WTS in front of her, but you don't
  expect her to lie for you. She lies for herself. Tell her that. "The only person who asks you to pretend
  everything is fine is yourself."

  You can't be DF'ed for missing meetings and having doubts. Just don't let them know it is beyond doubt.
• 

  dust

  This isn't about convincing or not convincing your wife about the WTS. It is about being able to communicate and respect eachother. If I were in your situation, then I would have suggested marriage councelling by a professional who knows something about psychology and communication.
  
  I am not saying that anyone of you is to blame for anything. But perhaps you both need to become aware of how the other one feels.
  
  An alternative to councelling could be a book (read it together!) like Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages". My wife and I read it, not because of problems but because we wanted to learn. And it proved very helpful, we even learnt things that we didn't know we needed to learn about communication. Before we read the book, we felt that we already communicated well. After we read it, we had learnt much more about how both "I" and "the other one" communicates. One gets to ask oneself quite a lot of questions.
  
  http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commitment/dp/1881273156/
  
  I'm not saying that a book like this will solve your problems. But it can be a start, and it can be valuable in itself, even to improve what is already good.
• 

  sweet pea

  You can be df'd for missing meetings and having doubts - we're about to be....